"Break the silence, damn the dark, damn the light..."

I am of the opinion that an apology has multiple parts. This is really important to me because I have anger issues. It isn't that I act out inappropriately. I don't believe that is a problem. I do believe that it is difficult for me to resolve my anger once I finally let it out.

The small trickles, which I have been learning to show to my students is pretty easy. I have found that if I discuss it, explain what behavior I want to see change and then impose a consequence if the behavior continues, I feel the issue is resolved.

This trickle effect doesn't work with peers. It is very rare that I allow anyone to see me have a deep emotional reaction. If things get too emotional, I leave. I am the queen of avoidance. There are people I have literally avoided for years. Holding grudges is a behavior I know I learned from my mother. I didn't learn how to let things go, that behavior is to set in my brain, but at least I let the people go.

There are people I don't want to lose.  Dealing with my anger has been difficult, because I am not good at telling people what I want.  Often the person doesn't realize that something is wrong until I have already left in a flounce. Returning doesn't mean the anger is resolved though. I need an apology. I need the recognition that something is wrong, that it had a negative impact. I need the action to change (and I have to believe that the situation/actions will be changed.) I also need something tangible to represent the apology. It can be flowers, it can be a teddy bear, it can be a written note.  Whatever it is, the tangible object helps me wrap my anger into a package and drop it.

I try to do this for other people. If I feel I've screwed up, I try and give the multi-part apology. I don't know if I am doing it right because I don't know many people who get angry the way I do. I have the feeling that I probably apologize and take blame way too readily because I am so sure that if someone is angry at me, they will leave.

That might be one of the problems. I get truly and deeply angry so rarely and I keep it under such tight control that I wonder if people really know if I am angry at them (except for those poor souls who live with me). I think the other problem is that people may not understand that by the time I am angry enough to really express it, I have gone so far past logic and reason that there is no point in appealing to rational thought until the apology is been given and accepted.

Obviously there are some current real world applications to what I am writing about right now. I am not trying to be vague. However this is one of the few times I have taken a look at how deeply my anger runs and how much I try to ignore it. I don't see my therapist for a couple weeks, but I think this is the next topic to work on. What does appropriate anger look like? How do I express it without imagining that I have ended the friendship or relationship?

Today's song probably has a lot to the fact that I have been listening to the Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 soundtrack a lot recently. It fits my mood and it was on when I finished writing this.