Yesterday a friend reminded me that there are billions of people in the world who are not my parents and will not react like my parents when I disagree with something stated.
When I shared this idea with my husband, he said that he probably owed my friend a fruit basket.
The big conflict we teach in AP Psychology is nature vs. nurture. How much of who we are as people is based on genetic coding and how much is based on environmental factors? It is one of the things about psychology I find fascinating. My children, who are only half siblings, have many things in common and yet are very different people. I often wonder what is genetic and what is the influence of other environmental factors.
I suppose it isn't unusual to wonder what sort of person I would be if I were raised by different people. I have an easy example. I have been told by many people that I am very attractive. I am not photogenic, but in person I am very striking. I simply don't believe it.
My mother was the only girl in a family of five. My grandmother was a practical and pragmatic sort who really did not know how to mother a girl. My mother had horrible acne, was incredibly unpopular as a child and grew up thinking she was ugly. She told me from a very young age that I would never be pretty, so I should develop a sparkling personality.
My father's second wife was a Filipino woman who was tall and slim. Her daughter was stunning. I learned that a lot of my stepsister's looks were actually the careful application of make-up and attitude, but even without artifice, my stepsister was pretty. If I wanted out from her shadow, it wouldn't be based on looks, so I further developed my personality. I did learn some attitude from my stepsister, but I never thought of myself as pretty.
I wonder if I would be an interesting person if I thought I was attractive. I wonder if I would be so accommodating. I wonder if I would be so afraid of rejection. Actually I know that I probably would be. I read a memoir from a Playboy Bunny who was incredibly insecure, which makes no sense to me, but she was and she ended up in a really bad relationship because of it.
I figure that people will be much like my father. When presented with the choice between my stepsister and me, I will lose. I figure if anyone is given a choice between a relationship with me and one with another person, I will lose. The best strategy I've developed is to make sure that I control when the relationship will end by being the first to walk.
I am not particularly happy with how continued use of this tactic has worked out, but it is so deeply ingrained that I often have a foot out the door before I realize I am leaving. I also can be incredibly stubborn and have stayed in unhealthy relationships. I am trying to figure out what constitutes a healthy relationship that deserves my trust and an unhealthy one that I should simply give up and leave.
I have always loved this song from Chorus Line. About the only time I feel beautiful is when I am dancing. This version is amazing!
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