I rediscovered a word this weekend: boundaries.
This weekend I learned (the hard way) what not having firmly established boundaries could allow to happen. I experienced the lack for myself and I saw it happen to a friend of mine.
After my experiences, I realized I need to establish what my boundaries are going to be. I have to make an effort to communicate them with the appropriate people. This might seem elementary, but I never was given permission or saw the value in establishing how I wanted to be treated when I was growing up. "All animals are equal, but someone animals are more equal than others." is the best way to explain my boundaries growing up. I might have had them, but my family and other grown ups didn't have to respect them. My boundaries were the boundaries imposed upon me, I had no agency.
What I learned from my friend's experience allowed me to define why having "Rachel's Defined Boundaries" is so important. I think there are few people who actually treat people the way they want to be treated. I don't think it's malice, I think it's human nature. It's just too easy to take people for granted if they don't make some noise.
My husband usually makes sure that we both have a glass of water before we go to bed each night. I am not sure how it became a thing, but one night when he didn't get us water that I noticed it. It didn't occur to me to get water for the both of us, though. I mean it did when I thought about it, but I had just accepted it as something he did. I didn't value the service until one day it wasn't there. (I have since made sure to tell my husband how much I appreciate that nightly glass of water.)
I went dancing on Saturday evening. I was there with friends. I didn't establish with my friends what my expectations for the evening were going to be. I assumed that I would be accorded a certain level of attention. One of my friends gave me exactly what I expected. We danced, we had a lovely chat and that was the extent of it. The person I carpooled with, on the other hand, I had thought that we would have a check in to determine when we were ready to leave. Instead, we danced, we had a nice chat and that was the extent of it. I couldn't find my friend when I was ready to leave. I was frustrated because we had discussed what to do if one of us wanted to leave earlier than the other, but it didn't work if we couldn't communicate with each other. Our plan required additional check-ins.
In this case, I suppose you could say that I needed a contingency plan. However the reason I wanted to leave early is because a boundary that I never thought to have was violated during the evening. It was relatively a minor thing, but after having the same boundary crossed multiple times, I didn't have emotional wherewithal to keep dancing. I withdrew to the sidelines for a while and then later went for a walk and met my carpool at their car.
I was annoyed with my carpool, but only because we didn't have a communication contingency. I wasn't even sure why I was so upset until the next day when I was talking to my friend and they told me about how their boundaries had been crossed. Listening to my friend and thinking about my own experience, I realized that the boundaries with my carpool had been poorly defined. We thought that we would somehow magically know when the other was ready to leave a crowded and dark dance venue.
So I plan to figure out my boundaries, try to communicate them, and once I have done this, I am going to enforce them (and not be talked out of them). I am going to do this even if it means I disappoint people. I am going to do this even if it means that people won't "like" me. I never want to feel like I did last Saturday night. I have no one to blame buy myself, because if I had established my boundaries I feel that Saturday night would have gone much better.
I am very motivated to fix this. This isn't just because I had a bad night. This is for my health, my well being and my sanity.
Today's song was a tough pick. I went with figurative, not literal.
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