"I know you don't have any other plans...."

I have seen depression described with all sorts of analogies. The various ways to explain depression trouble me, because they all seem to come from the perspective that people who cope with a mental illness have something to prove.

Why can't I say, "I have depression, it sucks"? Why can't a mental illness be accepted the same way as something physically apparent? I understand that depression is invisible to most people, but it affects my life daily, I shouldn't have to justify that it's challenging.

I suppose that is part of the problem. People want to assign blame, that someone with depression, diabetes, or other issues is somehow responsible for their condition. I must have done something in my childhood that cause my liver to function less efficiently or given me dysfunctional brain chemistry. It can't simply be a problem. I am responsible.

Depression isn't a broken leg or diabetes or spoons or whatever analogy is in vogue this week. It's depression. It's like having a debate every time I attempt to do something. It's having a debate with real life consequences if I lose and the only gain if I win is that I complete the same simple task many people accomplish every day.

I did not sleep well last night. I woke up this morning at about 5am. I thought, "I could get up early, go to work, accomplish stuff and then leave right after my final class." My brain had other ideas and I lost that debate. Instead, I got out of bed at 6:55 and ended up being late to work.

It doesn't matter if something is a healthy choice or not. It doesn't matter if it is something that will make me feel better. Everything is a debate. On good days, it's a short debate and the healthy or productive choice wins. On too many days, it comes down to consequences.

• If I don't eat, then...
• If I don't sleep, then...
• If I don't go to work, then...

There are times when I only go to work because the consequences of staying home are too significant. There are many times when I don't bother eating because future Rachel will have to pay for that and I don't give a rat's ass about her.

I have spoken with friends about how I tend toward avoidance. I realized it's because it's a way to prevent a debate. On good days, I want to see people, the debate is an easy one to win. On most days, it's just simpler if I simply avoid the debate altogether. If I am trying to figure out how to convince myself to get out of bed and go to work, it's unlikely I have the energy to convince myself that someone actually wants to see my depressed ass (or any other part of me).

I like today's song because it feels like the artists understand that it's not that I don't want to go out, but that getting out is such a task unto itself. Or maybe I'm projecting.