"And now you're starting to criticize little things I do..."

I have talked a lot recently about anger, emotions, and boundaries. I have discussed how difficult they are for me to work with and through.

It isn't easy for me to trust people. I am very guarded and closed off. This is not something that has improved with age, in fact I think it has gotten worse. I have a lot of experiences that show me that being closed off and guarded is safer and allows for better functioning in the world.

Good relationships aren't built through being closed off and being guarded. I finally broke down and shared something very personal with someone recently. While they were very supportive and considerate while I was pouring out my heart and soul, the next day they seemed to be acting like what I shared was an inconvenience and not worthy of recognition.

I am human, I was hurt and reacted accordingly.

I have no idea what really happened, because I can't view the exchange objectively. All I know is when I told the person how I felt, they apologized for being an asshole. A bit later they  told me that were sorry that they couldn't make the relationship work and seemed to be done with it and me.

I guess I am better off without this person in my life. However, that's not the lesson I have taken at the moment. Instead I have learned that I can break down and share something of myself and get rejected by someone I thought cared for me.

I made a fool of myself when I shared something personal with this person. I wish I could talk to them, but I am afraid that I would just further humiliate myself by begging to be assured that sharing my pain, letting down my guard, and opening up to them isn't why they walked away from me.

But I can't even ask them that much, because I doubt they will even talk to me. I don't have the wherewithal to risk yet another humiliating rejection.

So I am just locked in my own head, in my own emotions, and my own anger and pain. I am wishing that I hadn't trusted, that I hadn't shared my emotions and that I hadn't let my guard down.

What's the point of progress if it just hurts so much?