I was diagnosed with ADHD like many women; concurrently with one of my children who got the initial diagnosis.
It never occurred to me that most people didn't struggle with task completion, hyper-focus or a lack of focus. I didn't know that most people can sit still.
I take medication to help with my ADHD. Due to medical hocus-pocus, I am taking stimulants due to potential side effects. I am taking a secondary medication which happens to help with ADHD, but doesn't treat it directly. This means that this year has been particularly difficult at work because I feel like I am always trying to walk up hill with a heavy load when I have tasks to complete. Focusing on any sort of work is very challenging.
There is one thing I can focus on and that's rejection. Last year I ran two games at a local Role Playing Game convention. I think it was my 5th year in a row. I had been invited by the coordinator back in 2012 with a repeat invite every year since. Last year, one person, in one of my games complained. The coordinator and I had a well reasoned discussion about it. We agreed that while I could have been a little more attentive to the player's needs, the player did not exercise agency and express their concerns. The coordinator appreciated that I wasn't defensive and discussed that matter calmly. I was invited to run a game this year.
My response has been to ignore any requests to run and I haven't signed up for any conventions. I don't want to have to answer the question, "Rachel, aren't you running a game?"
The reason might be explained by this article that describes ADHD and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria that I found through a Facebook friend. I understand that I have run many successful games and that one player, complaining about one bad game, shouldn't prevent me from being a Game Master. However, it doesn't matter to me that it was just one small incident, the idea of running a game just makes me anxious and panicky. What if more players complain? What if I a horrible GM? I only participated in this convention because I was invited. What if they just forgot to revoke my invitation?
This is an example. But anytime I get rejected or think I've been rejected, I usually just fold and leave. I don't fight, I don't stand up for myself. I just internalize and figure that I shouldn't have wasted anyone's time. I have left a lot of enjoyable activities because of this.
I think this article is the first time I realized that not everyone feels this way all the time. What's it like to plan to do something and not go through every scenario that will bring about failure, embarrassment and the ruination of my entire life? I printed out a copy of the article to bring to my therapist today and my psychiatrist on Wednesday. I think it bears discussion.
I feel like today's song choice is too obvious, but sometimes that's the way music is, especially when I feel like such a failure.
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