I want a teddy bear

I want my teddy bear.

My dog bit the nose off of my teddy bear and I haven't been able to hold him since. I feel like I failed this inanimate object somehow. Regardless, I want a teddy bear.

I'm sick. I am still running a low grade fever, despite antibiotics, Advil and Tylenol. I made it through work today, I even accomplished stuff, but I'm exhausted.

I want to be held. I want to cuddle with my teddy bear. I want to be taken care of. I am so tired of having to take care of everyone else. I am so tired of trying to show people I care and have it thrown back in my face. I suppose I am starting to get mean. I don't know, anymore. In some ways I don't care.

I was sick last week, so sick I stayed home. Yet I made chicken soup and chicken stew. While not totally from scratch, it wasn't from a can either. I wanted good hot cocoa, so I made it last night. I carefully warmed the milk so it didn't scald. I stirred in the cocoa, whisked in some vanilla, I even made sure to get the temperature just right. The person I shared it with didn't even notice the effort. In fact, they complained that I asked too much of them yesterday. I was sick, I made stew, I made cocoa and I was asking too much?

I called my mother today. She brought me up to date with her court case. I told her I had been sick with a sinus infection all week and she barely acknowledged it. She just had to tell me about what was going on with her. I understand, it's bad. The young men who assaulted her are not taking the plea deal. That means that they probably think that they can get a better deal by going through court. It means that there will be more hearings and more time missed in November. I tried to tell one of the people I live with and they were too busy catching up on their own work and they didn't pay attention to me and pretty much ignored what I was telling them. Here's this frustrating thing that I want to discuss with someone and no one seems to care.

The house isn't clean. The puppy keeps chewing on boxes. I don't know why it doesn't occur to anyone that if I am sick and my husband is sick and we keep going to work, maybe we aren't up to taking care of tidying up the living room. Maybe we aren't up to exercising the dogs properly. Maybe we aren't up to doing anything. But I guess I have to point out that these things need to be done?

I asked someone for help. They came to the house to help. They didn't cook. They didn't clean. They kept me company, apparently to their detriment, They complained how "helping" me prevented them from doing any of their stuff and now their week will be stressful. I wish I hadn't asked them for anything, because their complaints just made me feel like shit.

I came home to nothing being put on for supper, which is regrettably the usual. I didn't tell anyone what to do. I was the only one who went to work today, so obviously I am the only one who can cook.

I guess I am asking too much. I guess that asking that people recognize I am sick, that I am tired, that I am in pain and that I can't fucking help them with their problems is too much for anyone to get. I guess expecting anyone to recognize that this past month has been a royal crap fest and that I could use some respite is too much for people to understand.

• I love my son and I am sorry that he can't use the college web system, but I don't care today.
• I am sorry that my husband isn't feeling well, but he doesn't have to write a lesson plan for every day of work he misses.
• I am sorry that my mother had her house broken into, but I don't care about how aggressive the sales man was or why she didn't get the deluxe package.
• I am sorry that my "helper" had things to do this weekend and by spending time with me, I prevented them from doing anything.

However, mostly I am tired of people expecting my emotional labor and for me to give a damn about them when they can't see that I'm in pain, that I am crying and that I am about ready to ask to go to the ER. Why the emergency room? Because, if one more person tells me how little I am doing for them, I am going to cause harm to myself or others.

I just want to curl up with a teddy bear and cry, but I can't even do that because the dog will try to chew it's fucking face off.

I am tired of being sick. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am tired of it and I feel like nobody cares. And at the moment, I think I could deal with that if people didn't expect me to care about them.

No song for this one, I don't care enough and no one else notices them anyway.