"No matter how much I implore/ No words can soothe him..."

Relationship Processing

Depression has to one of the most vile afflictions known to humans. I can think of nothing more devastating to one's day to day life that dealing with an illness that  has is so misunderstood and receives so little support.

Last night I made a damn fool of myself and spoke to them.

The exchange didn't go well. I was emotional and upset. They were also emotional and upset and I feel that we are no better off than we were. Well, that's not entirely true. I did learn a piece of information that I didn't know. They thought that I had decided to break up with them while I thought they had initiated the break up.

I don't want our relationship to end. I never did. I am frustrated because I feel like I need their support and they are withholding it. I understand that it isn't deliberate. I understand better that they are in the midst of a nasty depressive episode and I am trying to accept that they simply can't help me.

I would like to reiterate that the world is stupid. It should be all their fault and I should get to be full of righteous indignation, having been wronged.

I just want things to be better, to be fixed. I don't know how to do that. I guess I should just leave them be, since everything else seems to make things worse. Having dealt with my own depression, it seems that leaving them alone is the worst possible solution. (Yes, I have my own needs and a lot of the conflict has been because I feel like my needs aren't getting met.)

I feel that my options are limited. I think I better understand why anger is so often a part of a break up. It's a lot easier to be angry than recognizing that the other person is hurting.  I am leaving someone I love in an emotional oubliette. Yes, I know that, like me, they have people who love and care for them. That doesn't make it any easier to leave when I know they are in such pain.

I don't know if I should stay. I don't trust my emotions and sticking around where I don't feel welcome makes me feel desperate. I also doubt that they feel that they can tell me, "Rachel, I need you. Can you please do X, Y, and Z and listen to me about a, b, and c? I think that would really help me."

I know I could be patient. I know that I could just wait. However if you really think that I am truly capable of patience, you haven't met me, have you?

I am not looking forward to this weekend. I hate the idea of trying to distract myself from these thoughts and pretending that everything is going as planned. I should be at the music festival or Ren Faire. I should be, but I don't know if I can.

Maybe that's why I am obsessing over The Alan Parson's Project right now. It's something distracting and absorbing, but familiar enough not to be difficult. Thus another song from them today. I hadn't remembered that they had adapted a poem from Edgar Allan Poe, although I am pretty sure I had been told.