"Something lost and something gained ..."

It's my third day of teaching. I am starting to get the rhythm of my day and I see that I am going to need to take my ADHD medicine about 20 minutes before my prep period starts. It is third period now and I feel scattered and I am having trouble focusing.

I needed to order ink for my classroom printer. I ordered a tent, a sleeping bag, an air mattress, a book, and toesocks for my Pilates class. What did I neglect to order? You got it, I forgot to order the very thing I went to Amazon for.

Most of the time I like my ADHD brain. I can process things so quickly. My comedic timing is pretty good and I am pretty quick with retorts. It's a wonderful thing when teaching high school kids. My students routinely tell me that the energy and humor I bring to class make it the best period of their day (outside of lunch, of course).

You see what I did there, I said something positive and complimentary. Apparently that's something I am not very good at.

I was talking to KzF yesterday. I was feeling down and said so. He asked what was wrong, but he included, "but you have to tell me without saying anything mean about yourself". That was not easy. I mentioned some of the things about DA that have been troubling me and that I was tired of it. He noted that it could take up to 18 months to recover.

18 months? WTF? I mean I know that it is supposed to take at least three months to begin recovering. But that is for other people, not for me. I don't tend to build emotional relationships. Well, ok, I do, but I don't build them like other people. I approach them from a very pragmatic perspective. I don't usually have huge problems with a break up. I am not saying that I don't feel pain. However, I don't seem to take as long to process as science says I should. I used to think that was the way I was wired, now I am thinking it's because I missed a step.

JR Thorpe writes, "...the period between ages 20 and 30 is often a period of extreme education in just how bad, strange, awkward, and confusing those relationships can be." I missed that phase, I was raising my children and trying to be a provider and figure out adulting. I was in a relationship because that person was my partner in parenting. Toxic or not, we had a job to do and relationship processing was not it.

My current husband is the first relationship I built with someone where parenting was not a significant factor in our relationship. He has been a wonderful stepfather to my children, but that was not why we were together, parenting was just part of being in a relationship with me. My husband decided that he did not want biological children and was happy to help me to raise mine.

In the past 14 years, I have only been in two other emotional relationships, the most recent being DA. When I say I wish I never met him, I don't actually mean it. Well, ok, yes I do mean it. But I don't mean that I wish I had never met DA as a person. I mean that I wish I could have continued my life having never gone through a relationship like this where I ended up so hurt. I especially am frustrated because it feels like I got hurt because I finally got around to forging an honest emotional connection with someone and being vulnerable. So, I don't want to do that again.

My reactions are perfectly normal, they are just normal for someone who is significantly younger than I am. I hate it.  I hate feeling so immature. I hate what it is doing to my self-esteem. I might be having the reactions of someone in their 20s, but I don't have the resilience. 

KzF and I had a great date. He is taking a very soft touch with me so he was waiting for me to ask about getting together again. I didn't ask and he has plans for this weekend. It started a whole cascade about not feeling desirable and wanted. I curled up into a ball. I didn't tell KzF about my feelings, I figure that is asking too much. It isn't his job to get me through this break up. So I can see that I am pulling back and that if he doesn't take some steps, I will let him go. I know that would be stupid, but I don't feel like I should impose myself on him further. I already feel bad at how much my husband has had to deal with. I am already trying to spare him the worst of it.

It is really hard to be upbeat. Even with the positive stuff I am getting every day, I keep dwelling on the negative. I feel like I am failing at life somehow. I feel like no one cares about me. I know that isn't true, but that's the problem with ADHD, once a thought is planted, my brain is happy to dwell on it and find evidence to justify it. When I am left in a vacuum, I end up in some very dark places.

So today's song is about this idea, I just don't always feel like I belong and that I am not getting through to anyone.

 

“I think I should speak now...”

A few weeks ago, my therapist and a large number of my friends recommended that I abstain from all contact with DA. I understand their reasoning and I agreed with it. I still do, but I realized that there were circumstances I hadn’t considered.

Cutting someone out of my life made last year’s Christmas Fair a very difficult one. There was no way for me to communicate directly with the person. Their presence made me feel uncomfortable with my fair family. I believe others noticed the conflict, even though the other person and I never spoke to each other or came within 10 feet.

Why in the name in all that is holy would I want another person I have to avoid? Our environment isn’t large enough. I am so done with drama messing up my time at fair. I also don’t want to ask DA to give up participating. I was the one who encouraged him to audition last year and I think it was a good thing. I don’t want to be the ex that forced him out of social venues. Having had that done to me, it fucking sucks ass.

Just because I don’t think absolute and complete silence is the correct answer doesn’t mean I have forgotten all of the things that I feel DA did. Even he admitted that he spent the past year fucking me over. I think we need to talk, in person, and figure out how to co-exist. I don’t think it means going over past wrongs, perceived or actual. I just think it means figuring out to move forward. (It also does not mean getting back together.)

I tried absolute silence and I think that taking the time off from communicating was good for me. I also understand that any interaction with DA is going to involve pain and so limiting time spent with him is probably for the better. However, if we can figure out a way for both of us to participate in the Christmas fair, I think it is worth the effort.  

The upcoming fair is nine weekends where we are sharing a space. I don’t want to spend it looking over my shoulder and avoiding him. To that end, I don’t think absolute and continued silence is the correct path. I think we need to have a some sort of understanding. 

Resuming communication only works if DA has similar feelings. My feelings don’t matter if he does not agree. I called DA (with his permission) and I presented the idea that I think we should communicate. I said I wouldn’t initiate contact again. If DA wants to salvage something, he will have to decide that it’s worth his time and effort. I did not bring up fair. I didn’t feel that it was appropriate, but now I wish I had. Regardless, I’ll either hear from him or I won’t.

This post’s song is obvious, but seemed very appropriate.

"But time makes you bolder..."

I keep coming back to this idea about online vs. reality. I was pretty scattered yesterday and I threw in a bunch of stuff in my entry, that I think I lost my own point. It happens.

When I text someone or someone texts me (or uses Facebook messenger, Google Talk, etc.) I feel that is interactive. I usually try to answer in a timely manner and if I have to go quiet, I try to communicate to the person. I consider texting real time communication. I feel that it is interactive. I also feel that is the most likely way for misunderstandings to happen. My most recent break ups have both been over text, although one break up was more indirect than the other.

E-mail is for more involved conversations, long term planning or when I have a lot to say. I know you will all be shocked that I tend to write novels. I feel that an e-mail should be acknowledged within 24 hours. Depending on the subject matter, the response can take anywhere from a day to a week. I also have realized that e-mail is a horrible way to communicate difficult topics. I have decided to write those e-mails, not send them and then contact the person to ask if we can have a phone call or talk in person. We'll see how I do.

Both of those sorts of online interaction are direct and force the recipient to deal with the content, regardless of their desire. Unless they have blocked me, they have to do something with the message or e-mail. I am trying to be mindful direct communication can become abusive without me intending it to be so. I simply don't have context, body language, or tone to tell me how my messages are being received. I was very proud of myself because a couple of days ago a text exchange was crashing and burning. I pulled back and asked the person to please give me 10 minutes of phone time. I set a timer and we talked on the phone. It was a more positive exchange for me and I felt like my message was better communicated. I was also tried to get off the phone when my timer went off, since we were discussing a difficult topic.

My blog exists. I choose to write in it. I provide a link to friends via social media. It is (supposedly) unsearchable by Google although I am not sure how much that actually matters. If someone has the address or maintains a link to it, they can read it without going through facebook. I know some friends have set me up on a RSS feed to make things easier on them. I am aware that my blog is not private. I thought about making people log in with a Google account to read it, but I am not comfortable doing so. I don't want to track who visits my blog.

I am of the opinion that no one has to read my blog if they don't want to. People choose to read it and thus my blog becomes a case of buyer beware. I don't name names, I try to speak in generalizations. If I am referring to someone specifically, (such as DA or Primary) I am writing with the assumption that they are not reading. They are aware that things are not on good terms between us. I don't believe I need to issue a warning that I am processing negative emotions. I hope that they are able to understand that while they are involved, they are not responsible. If there is anything I have learned over the past year is that the only person who can make me feel something is me. If I don't like someone's actions, I can discuss it with them. If their actions do not change, I can choose to stop engaging with them. I make the choices to stay in situations that make me unhappy. 

I know when people read things, there is a tendency to see ourselves reflected. I know that there have been times when people have thought I wonder if Rachel is talking about me? I am not doing so deliberately. I am usually just processing through some ideas. However, you are invited to ask me via e-mail or direct messenger and I will explain to the best of my ability. I suppose that even if Primary (who really needs a different name if I continue to talk about them) or DA wanted to ask me about what I write, I would do my best to answer them.

I like today's choice, it's a Fleetwood Mac song, but a very reflective cover by Robyn Sherwell

"Just one psychological drama after another...."

I got a full night of sleep for the first time in a month. I cannot express how much better I feel.

Today I am talking to my students about the concept of guanxi (關係).  I have a huge sign that I made in my classroom. I want to talk to my students about the concept of forming relationships, authentic, in-person interactions, in their lives.

It was a concept that was explored in the seminar I took at Stanford and it really resonated with me. I think that it is something that is lacking in our society as a whole. We get so caught up in our online lives that we forget the connections we forge.

I feel that I perceive the world far differently than many people I speak with. I am not sure if it is my ADHD, my upbringing or some weird combination. I just know that when it comes to interactions, a phone call or in person; it makes all the difference to how I perceive someone.

It was something I realized yesterday and discussed a bit in previous blog entries. When I’m reading words and only words, it is not a dialogue. I rely too much on tone and body language.

I had people ask me if there is a reason that I don't just write my blog in a more private space. Is there a reason I want people to read it. My answer has not changed since 2002, when I started LiveJournal. I need people to call me on my bullshit. I may not like criticism or accept it gracefully, but that doesn't mean I don't need people to tell me when I am being a selfish and self-centered ass. It also helps when my friends tell me that they still care, that I am ok, or just that they are thinking of me. I need that sense of guanxi and my blog helps me feel like it is there. However, it's also because I want to give back to the people who are important to me. I often feel like I am not doing enough. But most of all, blogging doesn’t feel real.

I was talking to someone yesterday about how people hurt us and how we hurt others. When I was on facebook this morning, I saw this picture and it really echoed with things I discussed with that person last night and have been thinking about for the past few weeks.

The text of the poem:

Why Bother?

Because right now there is                       someone

out there with

a wound                                                   in the exact shape

                                                                of your words


I know that when any sort of relationship ends or changes, there is usually pain involved. The question is a chicken and the egg, who hurt whom first? I think this is where my issue with DA and some other things has really cropped up. I can get hurt by things online, but it doesn't feel the same to me as something that is done in person. When I am hurt in person, like really hurt, I will hold on to it. I can and do hold grudges.

I sometimes retaliate, but if it isn't in person, I don't feel it is as serious as something that I do in person. I have this idea that if I am being horrible to someone online, they can walk away from the conversation. I am learning that this is not the case for many people.

I am also learning that I can walk away from a relationship. I can end it. That isn't the problem. However, that means I have to create my own reality to make it work. The idea that I simply won't talk to someone while I get over them is not a valid path for me if I want to be able to have any sort of interaction with them in the next year. In a vacuum, I am more likely to believe the worst and not be able to imagine the best.

One thing that two ended relationships have in common is that they both ended because of a text. In one case, I simply walked away and even though the person did contact me, I chose not to engage with them or communicate again. That was a mistake. I made the problem bigger than it should have been and now I am avoiding social events because it's easier than dealing with the social anxiety of seeing them.

I don't know what to do about DA. I agree with everyone who has told me that every time I talk to him, it's only going to hurt. That has proven true for me for about every interaction that we have had online. Talking on the phone or in person isn't a guarantee that we won't say something hurtful, but it seems to make it far less likely.

Before you remind me that I can't go back or that I can't have a relationship with him, I know that. We ended the relationship we had. To be honest, we ended it a year ago. I was hurting. It wasn't because of him. I was dealing with chronic pain and he was not in a position to be supportive and see to his own needs. I am starting to believe that the reason that things went so poorly is because I was dealing with too many other things to work out how much my relationship with DA was hurting me.

I think that it's telling that I walked away from the relationship two weeks after my oral surgery made my headaches and TMJ go away.

There is no going back to the relationship that DA and I had. It wasn't a relationship, it was a cluster fuck. I am of the opinion that while I might have said and done things to hurt him, it was nothing compared to the lack of support he showed me over the past year. Yes, I said and did things to deliberately hurt him, but it was in response to things he did to me or because I was in chronic pain and he did not understand or handle it well. Those wounds are deep and they are still bleeding.

After a month of little to no communication,  I have discovered that while my quality of life has improved overall, my wounds are not  healing. I just have them bandaged up with enough plaster so that the only place people see them is on this blog. I am not sure even my husband knows how much it still hurts. But I got a chance to look at my wounds last night and they are worse than they were a month ago.

If I have to heal this alone, then it will take a while and it will suck. I will have no reason to ever engage with DA again nor will I want to. And yes, if that is the way I have to do it, then I should not see or talk to him. I will have to avoid social events. I might even have to consider not attending Dickens this year, because it might be too painful.

I don't know if DA is willing or capable of helping us both to work on and heal the wounds. It would need to be sooner than later, simply because every fresh coat of plaster I apply makes it that much harder to solve what cause the wounds in the first place. It feels like I am leaving the knife in and bandaging around it. 

I'm running late today so the song is a simple one.

"What little filters through is giving you the wrong impression..."

I am going to add a bit to my earlier entry about the use of technology, which I guess makes this a second entry in one day.

A friend described social media as walking down a busy street and interacting with what you see. The street you choose determines what content you experience and how. There is no such thing as private, although some streets are busier than others.

When I wrote my thesis, one of my student contributors called his phone a tool, much like a pencil. He used it for everything from scheduling homework time to applying for internships. In our presentation an eye-opening quote was, “Adults don’t get it. They think I am addicted to my technology. I’m not. I am addicted to my friends.”

I know something that has been hard for me to comprehend is that I can disengage from the online world. I don’t have to respond to everything I receive. What is also difficult is when I should respect the messages I have received or when I should push back.

If I fight with someone in person, I use body language, tone, and visual cues that tell me how to respond. Do I back off? Do I leave them alone? Do I try to explain? When I have a fight with someone online, all I have are the words. Words I take in the most negative way possible. Words that made me cut off contact with the person.

What is worse, it feels that the only way for me to respond is with more words. Why bother to engage again if all I can do is send the person an e-mail or a text and fall into the same trap that made ended our communication in the first place?

I don't have a good answer except to keep silent. However, I have learned at least two things in the past few days:

1) Hope is not a strategy. I need action plans and ideas for how to manage my emotional and digital life going forward. I can't hope things will improve.

2) I cannot have my relationships be solely digital ones. I am not sure what that is going to look like, but I do know that I won’t end another relationship and stop communicating with a person based only an online interaction.

Thus today's song, it should be pretty obvious.

"Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down..."

I had never realized that most people born after a certain year don't see a difference between their online life and their daily life. It is something we discussed in professional development, which was actually useful for once. (We also discussed e-cigarettes. I never realized the amount of nicotine one of those suckers could impart.)

Texting, blogging, Facebook, they are useful tools. I think they are a part of my life, but I never thought of them as my life. Apparently that's not the way people who were born after the mid-80s look at their online lives. According to what we have been learning about our students, there is no line between online and "real" life. To them, it's just life.

A while ago, I was really angry about something. I was up early and I purged my feelings in a blog entry. For me, it was one and done. My feelings were expressed and then I felt better. I was rather surprised when someone was pissed about what I wrote but didn't tell me for weeks. I understand that they were angry. They were even justified in their anger. However, telling me about it weeks later made it really difficult to discuss it with them. I was no longer living in that space. I should note that the person was born post 1980s.

Oh, you mean that for them, it was real life, not just me using my blog to process? Huh, I hadn't thought of that. I have been teaching for many years, I know how attached to their phones my students are, but I still never internalized that for my students (and people older) their phones are just as real to them as an in-person interaction.

When I write about wanting to talk to DA, there is a reason. We broke up via text, it's done. There isn't anything new to discuss. There isn't any new information to reveal. The break up is valid. However, it does not feel real to me. I mean it is, and I will abide by the terms as I understand them. However, there is a part of me that's still waiting for the part where we meet up and have the official break up conversation.

 I was seeing DA for longer than I was with my first husband. (Although DA and I never lived together.) DA is now numbered among some of the longest relationships I have had. When I try to explain that to people, all they seem to do is remind me is how bad things were. Yes, things were bad, I am not arguing that point. However, that's because when I bitched and complained on this blog, all I did was bitch and complain. How many entries are about the good things?

This blog is not my life. This is just the emotional stuff that I am purging. The person I mentioned above, my feelings about them are deep and nuanced. I was angry. I wasn't only angry at them. I bitched and complained. That isn't how I feel about them every day, it was just how I felt for about 45 minutes after a night of poor sleep.

With regards to DA, it's the same thing. I did not stay in a relationship for 3+ years because I am some sort of emotional masochist. I didn't stay in it for the past year because I am stupid. I stayed because DA brought a lot of positive to my life. Did he fuck up? Yes, I won't deny that. Were there patterns that rightfully caused my friends concern? Yes.

That said, DA and I had a relationship, there was good and bad. If you judge the entire relationship from what you read here, you won't have a very accurate idea of what DA means to me or why the relationship was (and still is) important to me.

Here's the thing, I am an incredibly negative person. Between my upbringing and my personality, it's hard for me to see the positive. I learned, back in 2002, that I can't live that way. It makes everyone, especially me, miserable. I found blogging and learned that I could store my negativity online and live my real life with a lot more joy. Blogging for me is a form of self-care.

Online is not real to me. It's just a space. The people who read my blog and interact with me are my friends, both near and far. I hope that they know that my blog is only a part of my personality and not a part that I am proud of. I hope that people who are discussed can understand that if I am writing about you, that means you are a very important person in my life. I wouldn't discuss you otherwise.

Today's song isn't entirely accurate, but I thought it was a fine choice.

"I finally learned my lesson..."

My mother decided that she needed to see me last Friday. Even though we agreed that she wasn't going to come over, she showed up anyway. I couldn't even get angry, I was so flummoxed. The only reaction she saw was that I was not interested in being touched of hugged by her. I understand that she wanted comfort, but she did not ask. She assumed. If she had been up front and honest, I would have tried to accommodate her. Now, I am just angry and resentful and I have to figure out how to communicate it to her.

My ex-husband used to pull similar shit with me. I would come home and there would be demands laid out for me. I had to always make sure I kept a reserve of energy or he would become very angry and toward the end of our marriage, his anger became a real problem. (He never hit me, but there were a couple of holes in the wall of the house we shared.)

I am good at not showing emotions. I have years of practice. I always find it somewhat amusing when people think that they need to tell me how to be angry or that I should not do something. I guess because I don't show anger, people think it is not there. Trust me, if I am calling someone a motherfucker or declaring their behavior as shitty, I am angry.

What my mother did was shitty. The expectation that she could expect and demand my attention and emotional support because she was in my home set me off. I didn't say anything to her while she was there. I am not good at telling a person that they crossed a boundary when they are in front of me. Even when I do, they don't believe I am serious. Observing my mother's behavior and how I responded let me see a huge problem in my boundary setting.

If someone needs me, I tend to drop everything and help. I don't consider if I have the means. I don't consider whether or not I should. I just help. I want to make people feel better, so I offer a shoulder, support, and advice. It takes a lot out of me to do this, but most people give as good as they are given. I don't keep a tally sheet of each favor I have done for a friend and match it to what they do for me. I used to and I learned very quickly that isn't friendship, that's a business arrangement.

I have tried to loosen up a lot.

Someone has been going through some of my old blog entries. The entries were about a person I had to cut from my life. They were an important friend and I feel like I gave them a lot. It was very difficult when I realized that I had no choice but to end the friendship. Further, I had to cut them out of my life completely. I have had no contact with that person for about two years. It was not an easy thing to do. There was a considerable social cost. I mostly gave up dancing and moved myself into other social venues because of them. I haven't spoken about them since last year, but seeing those entries brought all of the anger and pain right back.

I was this person's friend. I supported them, I was a shoulder, I gave them advice. I was understanding and gave them my friendship. They reciprocated by punishing me for things that were not my fault. I won't say that I did nothing wrong. However, I don't think I hurt them as much as they hurt me. (Not to say they weren't hurt, but I wasn't the instigator.)

What is frustrating about the whole situation is that all of that drama was because DA strung this person along and wasn't forthcoming with them. I guess DA figured that the social repercussions were too significant and it was easier to not rock the boat. When DA was finally forced to cut this person out of his life, who tried to pick up the mess? Yep, it was me.

I can't blame DA or this person. I chose to stay neutral. However, due to DA's poor timing and his inability to deal with his own consequences, I am still dealing with the fallout of that ended relationship. I admit my own part in what happened. Reading those old entries reminded me that in a few weeks, I will get to deal with the fallout of DA's inability to clean up his own messes for another fair season.

It made me remember all of the times I was supportive, a shoulder to lean on and a friend to DA. I realized all the times I had to pull up my energy reserves to do that. I never said anything to DA when it happened, I would take care of things and try to talk to him about it later. Of course, by talking about it later, trying to establish boundaries, I was making him self-conscious about his emotions. What about my fucking emotions? What about supporting me? What about being a shoulder for me? What about treating me like a valued friend?

I saw what DA did to this friend. I don't know why I am surprised when he did the same thing to me. DA found a better person and so dumped me without consideration for how it would make me feel or the emotional fallout.

I can't do anything about DA. I can't make him be my friend. I can't force him to reciprocate anything that I gave him. All I can do is turn off the support faucet and accept that I was used. However what I can do for myself is realize that DA, my ex-husband and many other people have benefited from the foundation my mother set down. If you dump yourself on me, I feel like I am supposed to take care of you, regardless of how I am feeling. I feel that my needs are not as important and can be postponed. In the case of DA, postponed indefinitely while he deals with his own problems without concern for anyone else.

I understand that I need to explain to my mother that while I feel for her situation, she doesn't get to dump herself on me. Yes, maybe she wants to see me on Labor Day weekend, but I don't want to see her. I don't have the energy, for one and I don't want to spend it on her. I have no idea how to express this to her. Unlike DA and his (former) friend, I don't really have the option of cutting her out of my life. However, she can't keep taking from me without giving something in return.

One of the reasons that I have not contacted DA is because I am afraid that he will say his favorite phrase anytime I have told him that I need him. He will say that he hopes I can find someone to give me the support I need, but it won't be him. Would you like to know what he did the one time I said that to him? He threw himself on my floor and had an episode, in my fucking living room. I didn't want to make a scene or impose on my family, so I pulled him into the bedroom and gave him the support he claimed to so desperately need. That wasn't the only time I allowed DA to manipulate me into giving him support when I didn't have it to offer. It wasn't the only time that he needed me.

I could be very wrong. I know I am biased. I am sure that DA can point to all sorts of times when he was supportive and understanding. I, on the other hand, can point to all the times that he has told me that he can't support me right now because there is something (or someone) more important.

Yesterday one of my friends slapped my nose with a virtual newspaper because I mentioned the desire to contact DA. Yes, I have the desire. I haven't fucking done it. The reason why, because I know that if I do, DA might apologize. Then he will tell me that he can't offer me anything, but that he hopes that I get the support that I need.

The friend I mentioned earlier, he would park himself on DA's front doorstep until DA let him in. I have never showed up at DA's house uninvited. When Primary was having a rough time of it, I offered to drive DA to her house. She refused to let him see me, even after I explained that everyone in the house was sick and I desperately needed help.

However, when I bring up these occasions, I am bitch-a-dexing. When I ask DA to tell me about a time he was supportive, he always has an excuse.

I miss DA. I wish things were different. I keep hoping for an email or text that starts out with an abject apology and goes from there. However, I have been refused by DA so many times, that I have not considered asking him for anything in the past few weeks. He proved repeatedly that he is not my friend, I don't need him to repeat the lesson.

Trust me, I have been finding my support elsewhere. <bitter>Hopefully Primary and the new girl are able to do the same if their turn comes. </bitter>

Today's song, is from Pentatonix, because I happen to like this version.

"Where were you when I played solitaire?"

I know this is dumb, you don't have to tell me. For most of the day, all I have wanted to do is contact DA and ask him, "Are we finished with this fight yet? This is really tiresome and I have a bunch of things I want to ask you about. Not only that, but I have two articles I want you to read, three pictures to show you and my dog keeps going into the spare room looking for you. I think she misses you. Can we be done now?"

Then I remember that DA ended the relationship and this is a fight that won't be over. There is no fight, just the reality he wanted. (And it is the best thing for both of us, right?)

Obviously I haven't contacted him. I just play a hand of solitaire every time I get the itch. I figure playing a game that isn't always solvable is a good reminder that sometimes the only answer is to pick up the cards and deal again.

I go back to work full time tomorrow and I start teaching classes in a week. I am hoping that the distraction will help, because I am really tired of feeling this way and while venting helping (thank you for bearing with me) I am really tired of this being a part of my routine. I just want to turn my feelings off and get on with my life.

 I've played a lot of solitaire recently; so at least that makes the song choice an easy one.

"And you keep thinking that you'll never get burnt..."

<<Purging the Bitterness>>  (consider yourself warned)

A friend related to me that DA asked about how I was doing. I suppose that means that he has chosen not to read my blog. I don't know. I know that there are a lot more views of my blog than there are people clicking in from Facebook. I don't know who is reading. One thing that has been funny is that I am getting clicks from the "Unknown Regions". So, hey, people from the Star Wars universe are interested in my life. Who knew?

I never told DA that he couldn't contact me. He made that choice. He told me goodbye and put the final nail in our relationship. I acknowledged that he said goodbye; I haven't communicated with him since. 

I know that I shouldn't contact DA. I want to. I want to tell him all the things I think he did wrong. I want to tell him how much he hurt me. However, if anything I had to say would be relevant to him, it would have worked already. Trust me, I have done nothing but try to tell him this and then some. His response was to tell me goodbye.

However, I would hate to let a question go by without answering it. So, DA, if you want to know how I am doing, I will tell you:

I am hurting and it's impacting my life in a negative way. A person, for whom I cared deeply, used me, abused my trust, and caused me pain because he was too chickenshit to rock the boat. (That would be you, DA.) That person lived in denial and blamed me for making him aware of the consequences of his actions. He obliterated my boundaries and left me to pick up the pieces. You want to know how I am doing? I am cleaning up your fucking mess, again.

DA, you are an adult. The excuse that you will learn from these experiences and try to do better next time stopped being valid when you were about 15. I wouldn't allow my students to sell me that line of bullshit. If they make a mistake, they are expected to deal with the consequences, not get a pass because of inexperience. I expected far better from you.

No one deserves the way you choose to abuse the people in your life. You know better, especially after what your ex-boyfriend did to you, to your college girlfriend, to your current girlfriend and to me.

If you really want to know how I am doing, ask me directly. I give you my permission to contact me.  I will gladly tell you. However, if you want some nice fiction to reassure you that I am all right and you don't have to feel guilt, don't place that burden on our friends. Make something up and decide it's the truth. You are good at that.

Dragging people into our drama is a good way to find yourself with few friends and partnered with people who are willing to use you because they are lonely, hurting and in a strange place.

Oh, wait, that's exactly where I think you are right now. The person who I believe has used you? She left you with an even bigger mess to clean up that your ex did. How much will you have lost because of her need? Maybe there is a future for you two, but I have the feeling that you met someone who plays your game better than you do, and you are about to lose everything. You know, like your ex did to you two years ago? He left you with few friends, a lack of social opportunities and no support.

What did she leave you with?

"And what you lost, and what you had, and what you lost..."

I have a STI. I have discussed it before, I will probably discuss it again. Having genital herpes really sucks. I was 19 when I found out I had it. I don't even know who gave it to me. Yes, I used condoms. Yes, I played safely. Guess what, it didn't protect me!

I play by very strict rules and ethics. I don't engage in intimate contact with someone without disclosing first. I try to give people time and space to inform and educate themselves prior to getting into a compromising situation. Have I messed up? Of course, I am human. However, no one has come back to me and ever said "I got infected because you didn't warn me and we weren't safe." I am really careful.

Technically, I broke up with Darth Auxiliary (DA). It was over a couple of different things, but mostly it was because he was an ass and I didn't believe him when he apologized and tried to fix the latest problem. (In my defense, it was about scheduling and being made to feel that new girl's feelings were more important than mine. It was a huge hot button and I couldn't take it anymore.)

I wasn't even very nice about it. I broke up with him right before he was about to spend a weekend with new girl. He told me later that my actions really put a pall on their weekend together. I walked it back a little a few days later and said that I would like to take a break until mid September. There was some discussion about whether or not we would have any contact at all. We agreed to some limited texting. That lasted about four days.

The reason our text detente ended is because I asked DA about whether or not our intimate relationship could resume. He hemmed and hawed. That's when I became very, very angry. It might seem unreasonable given that I broke up with him. However, I already went through this with him. DA and I took a break from our intimate relationship about 18 months ago. It was frustrating as he vacillated between wanting to resume our intimate relationship and wanting to just be friends. I was willing to accommodate him back then. I couldn't go through it now.

I do not know why intimacy with me became a question for DA. He told me that he really enjoys our physical relationship and that we are very compatible. I suppose there is a case to be made for the volatile nature of our relationship, but for fuck's sake, he spent most of July jerking me around. What did he expect, that I would thank him for treating me so poorly?

It came down to two things for me:

1) His idea of "friendship" is to get all of my emotional support and loving care without having to offer anything in return. I already experienced this and I have seen it in others too. DA (usually) treats his sexual partners with far more consideration than his friends. Given how poorly he was treating me already, I could not imagine how he would treat me if we were just friends.

2) I do not know what he hopes for with new girl. However I do know that Primary refused to engage in intimate relations with him as long as he and I were involved in a sexual relationship. She did not want to take the risk. I figure that one reason that DA wasn't sure about us resuming our intimate relationship after a break had very little to do with his feelings and was mostly due to the concerns of his other partners. I am good enough to be his friend, but I am no longer worth the risk I represent as a sexual partner.

What really sucks is that I am supposed to accept reason number two with grace and understanding. Regardless of whether or not it hurts my feelings, I am supposed to understand that because I am "unclean" that I am not worthy of being treated with respect or consideration when it comes to a sexual relationship.

Fuck that bullshit!

DA and I were in a poly relationship. He violated my trust. He hurt my feelings and worst of all, I ended up feeling unworthy! He could have told Primary to fucking deal with the risk or get out, but if he did, he never told me. He could have been honest about his feelings for this new person. He wasn't. He gaslighted and strung me along for weeks while trying to make everyone else happy.

He could have been honest with me about intimacy, but instead I feel that he pushed me out of the relationship and then blamed me for leaving.

The truly tragic thing is that I always expected that this day would come. I knew that DA and I would end our current relationship and just be friends. I am 16 years older than him. I have had my family. I know what I can and cannot be for him. I always planned to step aside when he met a potential life partner. I also figured that he would be honest with me. That we would discuss how to adapt our relationship appropriately. I thought he would show me that I was a valued part of his life. I would be his friend and confidante as he moved into a new stage of growth.

Regrettably, all I found out is that I wasn't worthy of any consideration or care. I was inconvenient and therefore I was thrown away. I suppose I should be thankful, because if it weren't for the HSV, he probably would have done to me what I think he is going to do to Primary. I think he is going to use her for touch and intimacy while new girl is doing her semester abroad. Then, I think Primary is going to get the same treatment that I just did. New girl isn't polyamorous. I don't think she will be willing to share DA with anyone once she returns to the states.

I hope I am wrong, because whatever I may feel about Primary, no one deserves to be treated like they are unworthy of consideration or care. She deserves to know up front what is going to happen and I don't trust DA to tell her. (If we were friends, I would say something, but telling her would probably just make me look bitter and like I was trying to hurt them both.)

This post happened because I nearly unloaded all of this on KzF. He got a bit of it, since we are engaging in intimate play. However, I realized that he doesn't need all of the background and angst. He just needs to know that parts that will impact our fun (pun intended). So I am dumping it here so I can tell KzF only the relevant parts.

As for the rest of you...welcome to my brain dump.

The song I picked for today should be pretty obvious. However, I would like to note that I grew up on the Rumors album. My mother had it on vinyl and we listened to it all the time. I better understand the bitterness that went into making it. My feelings about the entire album have changed considerably in the past couple of weeks. 

"And this old world is a new world..."

These are some positives that I don't really want to put on to facebook. So last night, I went to a private kink party. I was invited by KzF. He and I negotiated a scene and implemented it at the party. It went very well. K kept all of his promises last night and did an extensive check in with me today. He also indicated that he would like to play again. It was just the experience I needed.

Yesterday, I received an e-mail from Vietnam. Someone I have met at munches and parties is there for a family wedding. I wished him enjoyable travels as a comment on his social media announcement. He private messaged me back to tell me a bit about his trip. In addition, he told me that he hoped I would be attending the kink party he is hosting in a couple of weeks. I have been told that he is rather shy, so I am taking this as a very good sign. 

I am not expecting a deep and abiding romance from either of these men, but I like them and it is nice to feel wanted. Even better, they both have demonstrated that they value me and my time. I had forgotten what that felt like. 

It's a new day and I am feelin' good.

"Can't deny it; Can't pretend"

Secondary and I last texted with each other last Monday. It has been even longer since we spoke in person or exchanged an e-mail. I could be wrong, but this may be the longest period of time that we have gone with no contact. I know six days does not seem like much, but as I was telling KzF last night, having someone as a near daily part of your life and then suddenly cutting off contact is difficult. 


I will be honest, I have thought about contacting Secondary multiple times per day. I want to ask him if this was the outcome he wanted? If he wishes he had done things differently last week? I want to ask him if he misses me. I have thought of texting or e-mailing. I considered calling, but that seems like a bad idea. Actually, any contact seems like a bad idea. I may want to ask the questions, but I am afraid that I won't like the answers. I figure that Secondary is probably relieved that he hasn't had to argue with me and does not miss me at all. When I am at my lowest, I think that the only thing he misses about me is my dog. (And rightfully so, she is incredibly lovable.)

I haven't written the e-mail, planned a call or opened up the texting app. When I want to contact him, I ask myself, "Did interacting with Secondary cause you any pain today?" 
The answer has always been no no. Why is the answer no, because I didn't communicate with him! Hey, if you don't communicate with Secondary, Rachel, he won't cause you pain. Imagine that!

Yes, I miss him and it hurts. Yes, I want to talk to him. However, I have allowed him to cause me so much angst and anguish, that I can't imagine why I would volunteer for more. I can say that I miss him terribly and that I really want to talk to him, but I don't know why. I guess it just became habit because I can't imagine a reason that talking to him would be a good idea after everything I allowed him to do to me.

I know that Secondary used to read this blog. I don't know if he is reading now. He told me that he would stop looking at it if our relationship were truly over. He said that he wouldn't want to keep even the slimmest connection open. I mostly hope that is the case. It is the one thing about this blog that bothers me, because he gets insight into how I am doing. I get nothing about him. I respect his roommates too much to ask them anything and he keeps a fairly low profile. I guess I just have to hope that he feels at least a little bit of regret and not think about how easy it was for him to tell me goodbye.

But as I said before, I am not going to censor my blog because other people have boundary issues. I will fully admit that our devolving relationship is just as much my fault as it is his. However, the reason that I feel that we can't be friends and that we aren't friends is because I feel that he treated me like I was worthless and that my feelings did not matter. I might have screwed up, I might have been wrong about things. I might have stuck around waiting for things to get better much longer than I should have. However, I believe that I always treated him like he was a valued person in my life. I was his friend right up until the day he told me to fuck off. In fact, I would say that I am still his friend and a good enough one that I walked away. Given how horribly he treated me, I think he got off pretty easy. I say this as someone who was the victim of his last ex and is still dealing with the fallout.

I can think of nothing that Secondary could say that would make things better. I have heard all of the excuses and he has broken all of the promises. I have been in few relationships that has gone so wrong that I cannot even see a clear path back toward friendship. I can't rebuild this friendship and I don't think Secondary is capable or willing. If nothing else, he would have to admit that he was wrong, that his behavior was horrid and that he owes me more than he could ever apologize for. And then he would have to do the hard part. I hate that I can't take any action, except what I have already done. However, I have done too much already. If Secondary and I have any chance of rebuilding anything, it will have to start with him. 

I know it may be hard for people to understand, but I lost a dear friend. I may have lost him months ago and not realized it, but I have lost a dear friend. I wish I could have him back. I wish that person still existed. I cannot express how much I miss having Secondary in my life. Not the one who has been around recently, but the one who made me laugh and who honestly enjoyed my company.

I hate the bastard who showed up in his place. I despise the motherfucker who ruined everything we ever meant to each other. Since I can't talk to the person I care for and who cared for me, I guess there is no point in talking at all, because all the current person does are horrible things and then lie about them later. 

I just keep telling myself that every yday, the Secondary I miss no longer exists. The man who loved me would have never put me through the hell of the past few months. It's how I get through another day where I don't contact him. I know it will get easier. Days will become weeks; weeks will become months. I will have to repeat the mantra less and less often and eventually I won't have to say it all. Eventually the hurt will fade.

That doesn't change the fact that I desperately miss my friend and lover. To be really nerdy, I feel like I thought that I thought he had been killed by Darth Vader only to discover that he is Darth Vader, "He's more machine now than man. Twisted and evil." Ha! From now on, I shall call Secondary by the name: Darth Auxiliary.

Maybe someday that man I cared for will come back and I could have my friend back. However, I won't go looking for him and I expect that I will never see him again. 

Today's song is a little more angsty than I really want, but Secondary said that I had beautiful hazel eyes, and so the song seemed apropos, if over the top.

edited 08192028 at 16:50 for content and grammatical errors.

"So give me all your troubled thoughts And baggage you can't handle..."

Today I have some good things to talk about.

First of all, I am beginning to understand why people start working out after an emotional break up. Between exhaustion and the endorphin high from last night pilates class I haven't had much time to think about what's his name.

It also helped that I was reminded what it is like when someone treats me like my feelings matter.

I have know KzF for over a year. We have gone out a few times as friends. We seem compatible but I hadn't done much to pursue anything. He has been very patient, making it clear that he appreciates my company and that should I want to play, he's available.

I had told him about what was going on with Secondary and why I didn't think getting into any sort relationship was a good idea. (This was a couple of months ago.) A couple of weeks ago he suggested that  he meet my husband and I for brunch, just to keep me feeling secure and so he could get to know us better.

I updated him yesterday on recent events. His response, "That boy is a jackass." He then asked how I was doing and I was pretty frank. I told him that I was feeling awful and stupid. He suggested that maybe going to a social/kink venue might remind me that I am attractive and desirable and that I can do better than some idiot of a jackass who didn't value a good thing when he had it.

I fussed about feeling vulnerable, not having good judgement, and basically hemmed and hawed. And so instead of arguing with me, he said that he would be happy to attend the party as an escort. No matter what we did, he would not remove his trousers. He also promised that he wouldn't allow me to do anything stupid with another person.

I pushed a little more, asking him why he was being so sweet. He explained that he wasn't being nice. He finds me appealing, he likes me, and he hates the idea that someone so interesting is feeling worthless. He'd like to demonstrate otherwise.

I figure I can't ask for safer than someone I've known for months, who made sure to meet my husband, and whom I can feel I trust, attending a play event in a public venue. I felt like someone was interested in me but was satisfied by what I could provide and is understanding of my limitations.

KzF is picking me up in a couple of hours. I hope it goes well. I could use some emotional catharsis that doesn't involve only negative ones.

Today's song is a little on the obvious side, but I dig the fiddling!

"You left a stain/ On every one of my good days..."

Relationship Venting:

There are two parts of a relationship I really hate having to go through. I hate the beginning when I meet someone and I like them, but I don't know if the feeling is mutual. It can be agonizing as I put myself through self-esteem hell wondering if I am pretty, intelligent, and intriguing enough to engage their interest. I wonder how many relationships I sabotage before they even start.

As much as I hate the agony of figuring out a new relationship, ending a relationship is the only thing that I abhor more.

I know my relationship with Secondary has to be over. There is not one person in my life who has said otherwise. The closest that anyone has come is a friend who suggested that maybe, after a couple years, there could be the possibility of a friendship. Said friendship could only happen if Secondary does some major work on how to be an actual grown up as opposed to the selfish little boy he has proven to be.

So yes, I know that the relationship has to end. All right, folks, I am working on it. I deleted his contact information, deleted all the texts from every device I could think of. I removed him from my social media accounts. If I want to contact him, it's entirely possible, but it would take some real effort on my part. It would take the sort of effort that I can't pretend that I accidentally contacted him.

I know all the reasons that it has to be a no contact, no friendship, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200. I agree with them. Secondary never learned to treat me like I am a valued person with feelings. I let him off the hook too many times. He may never learn. I am not leaving because I think it will teach him a lesson. I am doing this for my sake.

I hope that no one else will get hurt the way I did. Many people have stated that Secondary simply doesn't understand that he is harming people. I believe that he has this idea that he can make everybody happy through effort, charm and wit. When he can't, it is the other person's fault for having unrealistic expectations. There is always an excuse, an apology and/or more worthless promises.

What pisses me off is that I want him to be hurt too. I want him to regret losing me. One of his roommates is a dear friend of mine. I am trying hard not to ask them about him. However, they mentioned that he was going off to dinner with the new girl and it was like a hot poker shoved in my gut. He has Primary and the new girl. What do I matter? (Obviously I don't, or I wouldn't have been pushed out of his life.)

This feeling of worthlessness is the other part I hate. I know it has to be over. I am committed to it being over. I have every intention of following through. However, that doesn't change the fact that it fucking hurts. It doesn't change the fact that I wish I had never met him. It also makes it that much harder for the next person to come along, because I am even less likely to believe that anyone could possibly want me after I stuck with an asshole who hurt me for so long.

I am not looking for any solutions or answers. I just want to stop feeling it. I want to get to the part where I don't care, I don't hurt and I don't feel like such a fucking loser.

Today's song is rather old, but with the exception of gender, perfectly applicable.

"It makes me that much wiser..."

After over three years, Secondary and I have parted ways. It was not because of Primary. It was because of a new person who walked into his life some ten weeks ago. Yes, Secondary ended our relationship for someone he just met. Let that sink in for a minute.

It is not completely his fault. Our relationship had already devolved into toxicity. The new person was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I imagine that I will be thanking her (while simultaneously feeling pity) in the near future.

So, I found this article about toxic relationships to help me process. I could go through it point by point, but it really explains just about everything that was wrong with our relationship. I think I am going to highlight a couple of things that stood out to me.

3. They have very few friends outside the relationship. 

I think because we did not live together and we were in a secondary relationship, this did not precisely apply to both of us. As a friend of mine is more than happy to remind me, I tend to get caught up in my romantic relationships and neglect my friendships. This is something I am trying to work on. That said, I am fortunate to have wonderful friends in my life. They have been nothing but supportive and because I have a number of them I am not dumping all of my shit on only one or two people. 

As far as I am aware, Secondary has two friends in the area (since I no longer count myself among them). One of those friends (who is also the woman he dumped me for) is leaving in the next week. One thing that I have realized is that I am no longer responsible for making sure he feels supported. It is like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I hope his other friend has their boundaries firmly in place, because they are about to be asked to provide a lot of emotional support with little relief. 

9. They try to control each other’s actions. 

This was a problem when we first started dating. Secondary liked to have access to all the data. He wanted to share location and I think he knew my routine better than I did. He wanted to know my work schedule and calendar sharing was a frequent argument. This level of data sharing stopped when he found out it cuts both ways.  Location sharing makes it very difficult to lie about what he was doing when I could see where he had been. I won't go into whether or not sharing location is healthy behavior. My husband and I share our location and it makes life simpler. On the other hand, I usually only use his location to determine when I should start cooking. I don't check it very often.

Data sharing aside, I never felt like Secondary wanted to control my actions. I don't know how he feels about the topic. 

The rest of the points made in the article seem relatively accurate to me. I have known that this relationship was toxic for a long time. I had just hoped that we could fix it. In retrospect, I should have cut bait months ago. 

The hardest part is dealing with trappings of a three year relationship being over. There are the habits and rituals that went with it. As I was making dinner last night, I realized that Secondary will never walk in to the house and sit down to a meal waiting for him. We won't walk my dog together. We won't watch Westworld while eating ice cream. He won't be sitting in my room wearing the bathrobe I picked up at IKEA. I can't tell him about the design concept I have for my classroom. It may have been a toxic relationship, but I will miss him. I think the hardest part of any break up is the little things that you shared only with each other.

I plan to get rid of a lot of those trappings in the next week and make new habits. 

I want to blame the new person for ending our relationship. I know that is not the case. My relationship with Secondary ended a long time ago and I should have been the one to walk away. I am not blaming myself. I am looking at this process as a way to explore what gets me into these relationships and keeps me in them. That is my purpose of this blog, is to process.

One of my friends mentioned the possibility of Secondary and I finding a friendship at some point in the future. I have become friends with a number of my ex-boyfriends and I value those relationships. I have introduced them to people that they marry and a couple of my exes were responsible for getting my husband and me together.

I will not say never. However, it's hard to consider friendship with someone who treated my feelings with such disdain. I can't imagine that I could ever manage more than bare civility. I wouldn't trust him to not use me again. I suppose time will tell.

Today's song came up on Spotify as I was finishing this post. While not perfectly accurate today, I think this is the space I should move into. 

"Jeux sans frontieres"

I will fully admit it. I flounced. I was upset and angry and instead of thinking, I just pulled my blog. I should not have done so. Instead I should have addressed the issue and moved on. So, in that vein, I will address the issues, even though it is too late.

1. This is my blog. I regret that discussing my thoughts and feelings about your actions and attitude bothered you. You are welcome to discuss it with me, directly. I would ask that you do so within a few days of the entry, not months later in a multi-page diatribe about how you think I am the crappiest person to have ever walked the earth.

2. If you decide that you need to read the some 200 entries of my blog to gain compassion or whatever he said to excuse your behavior, you have a problem. If you wanted to get to know me, then you could have asked to meet me.

By stalking my facebook and then reading my blog, you engaged in cyber stalking and harassment. End of story.

3. Yes, this journal is public. I don't use names and I try to avoid details. I thought about moving it somewhere else and I may start a journal that is better filtered if I feel the need to go into details or name names. However, I decided that my 200 entries were more important than a couple of people who have boundary issues.

My blog is reinstated as of today.