Texting, blogging, Facebook, they are useful tools. I think they are a part of my life, but I never thought of them as my life. Apparently that's not the way people who were born after the mid-80s look at their online lives. According to what we have been learning about our students, there is no line between online and "real" life. To them, it's just life.
A while ago, I was really angry about something. I was up early and I purged my feelings in a blog entry. For me, it was one and done. My feelings were expressed and then I felt better. I was rather surprised when someone was pissed about what I wrote but didn't tell me for weeks. I understand that they were angry. They were even justified in their anger. However, telling me about it weeks later made it really difficult to discuss it with them. I was no longer living in that space. I should note that the person was born post 1980s.
Oh, you mean that for them, it was real life, not just me using my blog to process? Huh, I hadn't thought of that. I have been teaching for many years, I know how attached to their phones my students are, but I still never internalized that for my students (and people older) their phones are just as real to them as an in-person interaction.
When I write about wanting to talk to DA, there is a reason. We broke up via text, it's done. There isn't anything new to discuss. There isn't any new information to reveal. The break up is valid. However, it does not feel real to me. I mean it is, and I will abide by the terms as I understand them. However, there is a part of me that's still waiting for the part where we meet up and have the official break up conversation.
I was seeing DA for longer than I was with my first husband. (Although DA and I never lived together.) DA is now numbered among some of the longest relationships I have had. When I try to explain that to people, all they seem to do is remind me is how bad things were. Yes, things were bad, I am not arguing that point. However, that's because when I bitched and complained on this blog, all I did was bitch and complain. How many entries are about the good things?
This blog is not my life. This is just the emotional stuff that I am purging. The person I mentioned above, my feelings about them are deep and nuanced. I was angry. I wasn't only angry at them. I bitched and complained. That isn't how I feel about them every day, it was just how I felt for about 45 minutes after a night of poor sleep.
With regards to DA, it's the same thing. I did not stay in a relationship for 3+ years because I am some sort of emotional masochist. I didn't stay in it for the past year because I am stupid. I stayed because DA brought a lot of positive to my life. Did he fuck up? Yes, I won't deny that. Were there patterns that rightfully caused my friends concern? Yes.
That said, DA and I had a relationship, there was good and bad. If you judge the entire relationship from what you read here, you won't have a very accurate idea of what DA means to me or why the relationship was (and still is) important to me.
Here's the thing, I am an incredibly negative person. Between my upbringing and my personality, it's hard for me to see the positive. I learned, back in 2002, that I can't live that way. It makes everyone, especially me, miserable. I found blogging and learned that I could store my negativity online and live my real life with a lot more joy. Blogging for me is a form of self-care.
Online is not real to me. It's just a space. The people who read my blog and interact with me are my friends, both near and far. I hope that they know that my blog is only a part of my personality and not a part that I am proud of. I hope that people who are discussed can understand that if I am writing about you, that means you are a very important person in my life. I wouldn't discuss you otherwise.
Today's song isn't entirely accurate, but I thought it was a fine choice.
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