Today I am talking to my students about the concept of guanxi (關係). I have a huge sign that I made in my classroom. I want to talk to my students about the concept of forming relationships, authentic, in-person interactions, in their lives.
It was a concept that was explored in the seminar I took at Stanford and it really resonated with me. I think that it is something that is lacking in our society as a whole. We get so caught up in our online lives that we forget the connections we forge.
I feel that I perceive the world far differently than many people I speak with. I am not sure if it is my ADHD, my upbringing or some weird combination. I just know that when it comes to interactions, a phone call or in person; it makes all the difference to how I perceive someone.It was something I realized yesterday and discussed a bit in previous blog entries. When I’m reading words and only words, it is not a dialogue. I rely too much on tone and body language.
I had people ask me if there is a reason that I don't just write my blog in a more private space. Is there a reason I want people to read it. My answer has not changed since 2002, when I started LiveJournal. I need people to call me on my bullshit. I may not like criticism or accept it gracefully, but that doesn't mean I don't need people to tell me when I am being a selfish and self-centered ass. It also helps when my friends tell me that they still care, that I am ok, or just that they are thinking of me. I need that sense of guanxi and my blog helps me feel like it is there. However, it's also because I want to give back to the people who are important to me. I often feel like I am not doing enough. But most of all, blogging doesn’t feel real.
I was talking to someone yesterday about how people hurt us and how we hurt others. When I was on facebook this morning, I saw this picture and it really echoed with things I discussed with that person last night and have been thinking about for the past few weeks.
The text of the poem:
Why Bother?
Because right now there is someone
out there with
a wound in the exact shape
of your words
I know that when any sort of relationship ends or changes, there is usually pain involved. The question is a chicken and the egg, who hurt whom first? I think this is where my issue with DA and some other things has really cropped up. I can get hurt by things online, but it doesn't feel the same to me as something that is done in person. When I am hurt in person, like really hurt, I will hold on to it. I can and do hold grudges.
I sometimes retaliate, but if it isn't in person, I don't feel it is as serious as something that I do in person. I have this idea that if I am being horrible to someone online, they can walk away from the conversation. I am learning that this is not the case for many people.
I am also learning that I can walk away from a relationship. I can end it. That isn't the problem. However, that means I have to create my own reality to make it work. The idea that I simply won't talk to someone while I get over them is not a valid path for me if I want to be able to have any sort of interaction with them in the next year. In a vacuum, I am more likely to believe the worst and not be able to imagine the best.
One thing that two ended relationships have in common is that they both ended because of a text. In one case, I simply walked away and even though the person did contact me, I chose not to engage with them or communicate again. That was a mistake. I made the problem bigger than it should have been and now I am avoiding social events because it's easier than dealing with the social anxiety of seeing them.
I don't know what to do about DA. I agree with everyone who has told me that every time I talk to him, it's only going to hurt. That has proven true for me for about every interaction that we have had online. Talking on the phone or in person isn't a guarantee that we won't say something hurtful, but it seems to make it far less likely.
Before you remind me that I can't go back or that I can't have a relationship with him, I know that. We ended the relationship we had. To be honest, we ended it a year ago. I was hurting. It wasn't because of him. I was dealing with chronic pain and he was not in a position to be supportive and see to his own needs. I am starting to believe that the reason that things went so poorly is because I was dealing with too many other things to work out how much my relationship with DA was hurting me.
I think that it's telling that I walked away from the relationship two weeks after my oral surgery made my headaches and TMJ go away.
There is no going back to the relationship that DA and I had. It wasn't a relationship, it was a cluster fuck. I am of the opinion that while I might have said and done things to hurt him, it was nothing compared to the lack of support he showed me over the past year. Yes, I said and did things to deliberately hurt him, but it was in response to things he did to me or because I was in chronic pain and he did not understand or handle it well. Those wounds are deep and they are still bleeding.
After a month of little to no communication, I have discovered that while my quality of life has improved overall, my wounds are not healing. I just have them bandaged up with enough plaster so that the only place people see them is on this blog. I am not sure even my husband knows how much it still hurts. But I got a chance to look at my wounds last night and they are worse than they were a month ago.
If I have to heal this alone, then it will take a while and it will suck. I will have no reason to ever engage with DA again nor will I want to. And yes, if that is the way I have to do it, then I should not see or talk to him. I will have to avoid social events. I might even have to consider not attending Dickens this year, because it might be too painful.
I don't know if DA is willing or capable of helping us both to work on and heal the wounds. It would need to be sooner than later, simply because every fresh coat of plaster I apply makes it that much harder to solve what cause the wounds in the first place. It feels like I am leaving the knife in and bandaging around it.
I'm running late today so the song is a simple one.
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