My ex-husband used to pull similar shit with me. I would come home and there would be demands laid out for me. I had to always make sure I kept a reserve of energy or he would become very angry and toward the end of our marriage, his anger became a real problem. (He never hit me, but there were a couple of holes in the wall of the house we shared.)
I am good at not showing emotions. I have years of practice. I always find it somewhat amusing when people think that they need to tell me how to be angry or that I should not do something. I guess because I don't show anger, people think it is not there. Trust me, if I am calling someone a motherfucker or declaring their behavior as shitty, I am angry.
What my mother did was shitty. The expectation that she could expect and demand my attention and emotional support because she was in my home set me off. I didn't say anything to her while she was there. I am not good at telling a person that they crossed a boundary when they are in front of me. Even when I do, they don't believe I am serious. Observing my mother's behavior and how I responded let me see a huge problem in my boundary setting.
If someone needs me, I tend to drop everything and help. I don't consider if I have the means. I don't consider whether or not I should. I just help. I want to make people feel better, so I offer a shoulder, support, and advice. It takes a lot out of me to do this, but most people give as good as they are given. I don't keep a tally sheet of each favor I have done for a friend and match it to what they do for me. I used to and I learned very quickly that isn't friendship, that's a business arrangement.
I have tried to loosen up a lot.
Someone has been going through some of my old blog entries. The entries were about a person I had to cut from my life. They were an important friend and I feel like I gave them a lot. It was very difficult when I realized that I had no choice but to end the friendship. Further, I had to cut them out of my life completely. I have had no contact with that person for about two years. It was not an easy thing to do. There was a considerable social cost. I mostly gave up dancing and moved myself into other social venues because of them. I haven't spoken about them since last year, but seeing those entries brought all of the anger and pain right back.
I was this person's friend. I supported them, I was a shoulder, I gave them advice. I was understanding and gave them my friendship. They reciprocated by punishing me for things that were not my fault. I won't say that I did nothing wrong. However, I don't think I hurt them as much as they hurt me. (Not to say they weren't hurt, but I wasn't the instigator.)
What is frustrating about the whole situation is that all of that drama was because DA strung this person along and wasn't forthcoming with them. I guess DA figured that the social repercussions were too significant and it was easier to not rock the boat. When DA was finally forced to cut this person out of his life, who tried to pick up the mess? Yep, it was me.
I can't blame DA or this person. I chose to stay neutral. However, due to DA's poor timing and his inability to deal with his own consequences, I am still dealing with the fallout of that ended relationship. I admit my own part in what happened. Reading those old entries reminded me that in a few weeks, I will get to deal with the fallout of DA's inability to clean up his own messes for another fair season.
It made me remember all of the times I was supportive, a shoulder to lean on and a friend to DA. I realized all the times I had to pull up my energy reserves to do that. I never said anything to DA when it happened, I would take care of things and try to talk to him about it later. Of course, by talking about it later, trying to establish boundaries, I was making him self-conscious about his emotions. What about my fucking emotions? What about supporting me? What about being a shoulder for me? What about treating me like a valued friend?
I saw what DA did to this friend. I don't know why I am surprised when he did the same thing to me. DA found a better person and so dumped me without consideration for how it would make me feel or the emotional fallout.
I can't do anything about DA. I can't make him be my friend. I can't force him to reciprocate anything that I gave him. All I can do is turn off the support faucet and accept that I was used. However what I can do for myself is realize that DA, my ex-husband and many other people have benefited from the foundation my mother set down. If you dump yourself on me, I feel like I am supposed to take care of you, regardless of how I am feeling. I feel that my needs are not as important and can be postponed. In the case of DA, postponed indefinitely while he deals with his own problems without concern for anyone else.
I understand that I need to explain to my mother that while I feel for her situation, she doesn't get to dump herself on me. Yes, maybe she wants to see me on Labor Day weekend, but I don't want to see her. I don't have the energy, for one and I don't want to spend it on her. I have no idea how to express this to her. Unlike DA and his (former) friend, I don't really have the option of cutting her out of my life. However, she can't keep taking from me without giving something in return.
One of the reasons that I have not contacted DA is because I am afraid that he will say his favorite phrase anytime I have told him that I need him. He will say that he hopes I can find someone to give me the support I need, but it won't be him. Would you like to know what he did the one time I said that to him? He threw himself on my floor and had an episode, in my fucking living room. I didn't want to make a scene or impose on my family, so I pulled him into the bedroom and gave him the support he claimed to so desperately need. That wasn't the only time I allowed DA to manipulate me into giving him support when I didn't have it to offer. It wasn't the only time that he needed me.
I could be very wrong. I know I am biased. I am sure that DA can point to all sorts of times when he was supportive and understanding. I, on the other hand, can point to all the times that he has told me that he can't support me right now because there is something (or someone) more important.
Yesterday one of my friends slapped my nose with a virtual newspaper because I mentioned the desire to contact DA. Yes, I have the desire. I haven't fucking done it. The reason why, because I know that if I do, DA might apologize. Then he will tell me that he can't offer me anything, but that he hopes that I get the support that I need.
The friend I mentioned earlier, he would park himself on DA's front doorstep until DA let him in. I have never showed up at DA's house uninvited. When Primary was having a rough time of it, I offered to drive DA to her house. She refused to let him see me, even after I explained that everyone in the house was sick and I desperately needed help.
However, when I bring up these occasions, I am bitch-a-dexing. When I ask DA to tell me about a time he was supportive, he always has an excuse.
I miss DA. I wish things were different. I keep hoping for an email or text that starts out with an abject apology and goes from there. However, I have been refused by DA so many times, that I have not considered asking him for anything in the past few weeks. He proved repeatedly that he is not my friend, I don't need him to repeat the lesson.
Trust me, I have been finding my support elsewhere. <bitter>Hopefully Primary and the new girl are able to do the same if their turn comes. </bitter>
Today's song, is from Pentatonix, because I happen to like this version.
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