I will be honest, I have thought about contacting Secondary multiple times per day. I want to ask him if this was the outcome he wanted? If he wishes he had done things differently last week? I want to ask him if he misses me. I have thought of texting or e-mailing. I considered calling, but that seems like a bad idea. Actually, any contact seems like a bad idea. I may want to ask the questions, but I am afraid that I won't like the answers. I figure that Secondary is probably relieved that he hasn't had to argue with me and does not miss me at all. When I am at my lowest, I think that the only thing he misses about me is my dog. (And rightfully so, she is incredibly lovable.)
I haven't written the e-mail, planned a call or opened up the texting app. When I want to contact him, I ask myself, "Did interacting with Secondary cause you any pain today?"
The answer has always been no no. Why is the answer no, because I didn't communicate with him! Hey, if you don't communicate with Secondary, Rachel, he won't cause you pain. Imagine that!
Yes, I miss him and it hurts. Yes, I want to talk to him. However, I have allowed him to cause me so much angst and anguish, that I can't imagine why I would volunteer for more. I can say that I miss him terribly and that I really want to talk to him, but I don't know why. I guess it just became habit because I can't imagine a reason that talking to him would be a good idea after everything I allowed him to do to me.
I know that Secondary used to read this blog. I don't know if he is reading now. He told me that he would stop looking at it if our relationship were truly over. He said that he wouldn't want to keep even the slimmest connection open. I mostly hope that is the case. It is the one thing about this blog that bothers me, because he gets insight into how I am doing. I get nothing about him. I respect his roommates too much to ask them anything and he keeps a fairly low profile. I guess I just have to hope that he feels at least a little bit of regret and not think about how easy it was for him to tell me goodbye.
But as I said before, I am not going to censor my blog because other people have boundary issues. I will fully admit that our devolving relationship is just as much my fault as it is his. However, the reason that I feel that we can't be friends and that we aren't friends is because I feel that he treated me like I was worthless and that my feelings did not matter. I might have screwed up, I might have been wrong about things. I might have stuck around waiting for things to get better much longer than I should have. However, I believe that I always treated him like he was a valued person in my life. I was his friend right up until the day he told me to fuck off. In fact, I would say that I am still his friend and a good enough one that I walked away. Given how horribly he treated me, I think he got off pretty easy. I say this as someone who was the victim of his last ex and is still dealing with the fallout.
I can think of nothing that Secondary could say that would make things better. I have heard all of the excuses and he has broken all of the promises. I have been in few relationships that has gone so wrong that I cannot even see a clear path back toward friendship. I can't rebuild this friendship and I don't think Secondary is capable or willing. If nothing else, he would have to admit that he was wrong, that his behavior was horrid and that he owes me more than he could ever apologize for. And then he would have to do the hard part. I hate that I can't take any action, except what I have already done. However, I have done too much already. If Secondary and I have any chance of rebuilding anything, it will have to start with him.
I know it may be hard for people to understand, but I lost a dear friend. I may have lost him months ago and not realized it, but I have lost a dear friend. I wish I could have him back. I wish that person still existed. I cannot express how much I miss having Secondary in my life. Not the one who has been around recently, but the one who made me laugh and who honestly enjoyed my company.
I hate the bastard who showed up in his place. I despise the motherfucker who ruined everything we ever meant to each other. Since I can't talk to the person I care for and who cared for me, I guess there is no point in talking at all, because all the current person does are horrible things and then lie about them later.
I just keep telling myself that every yday, the Secondary I miss no longer exists. The man who loved me would have never put me through the hell of the past few months. It's how I get through another day where I don't contact him. I know it will get easier. Days will become weeks; weeks will become months. I will have to repeat the mantra less and less often and eventually I won't have to say it all. Eventually the hurt will fade.
That doesn't change the fact that I desperately miss my friend and lover. To be really nerdy, I feel like I thought that I thought he had been killed by Darth Vader only to discover that he is Darth Vader, "He's more machine now than man. Twisted and evil." Ha! From now on, I shall call Secondary by the name: Darth Auxiliary.
Maybe someday that man I cared for will come back and I could have my friend back. However, I won't go looking for him and I expect that I will never see him again.
Today's song is a little more angsty than I really want, but Secondary said that I had beautiful hazel eyes, and so the song seemed apropos, if over the top.
edited 08192028 at 16:50 for content and grammatical errors.
No comments:
Post a Comment