A friend related to me that DA asked about how I was doing. I suppose that means that he has chosen not to read my blog. I don't know. I know that there are a lot more views of my blog than there are people clicking in from Facebook. I don't know who is reading. One thing that has been funny is that I am getting clicks from the "Unknown Regions". So, hey, people from the Star Wars universe are interested in my life. Who knew?
I never told DA that he couldn't contact me. He made that choice. He told me goodbye and put the final nail in our relationship. I acknowledged that he said goodbye; I haven't communicated with him since.
I know that I shouldn't contact DA. I want to. I want to tell him all the things I think he did wrong. I want to tell him how much he hurt me. However, if anything I had to say would be relevant to him, it would have worked already. Trust me, I have done nothing but try to tell him this and then some. His response was to tell me goodbye.
However, I would hate to let a question go by without answering it. So, DA, if you want to know how I am doing, I will tell you:
I am hurting and it's impacting my life in a negative way. A person, for whom I cared deeply, used me, abused my trust, and caused me pain because he was too chickenshit to rock the boat. (That would be you, DA.) That person lived in denial and blamed me for making him aware of the consequences of his actions. He obliterated my boundaries and left me to pick up the pieces. You want to know how I am doing? I am cleaning up your fucking mess, again.
DA, you are an adult. The excuse that you will learn from these experiences and try to do better next time stopped being valid when you were about 15. I wouldn't allow my students to sell me that line of bullshit. If they make a mistake, they are expected to deal with the consequences, not get a pass because of inexperience. I expected far better from you.
No one deserves the way you choose to abuse the people in your life. You know better, especially after what your ex-boyfriend did to you, to your college girlfriend, to your current girlfriend and to me.
If you really want to know how I am doing, ask me directly. I give you my permission to contact me. I will gladly tell you. However, if you want some nice fiction to reassure you that I am all right and you don't have to feel guilt, don't place that burden on our friends. Make something up and decide it's the truth. You are good at that.
Dragging people into our drama is a good way to find yourself with few friends and partnered with people who are willing to use you because they are lonely, hurting and in a strange place.
Oh, wait, that's exactly where I think you are right now. The person who I believe has used you? She left you with an even bigger mess to clean up that your ex did. How much will you have lost because of her need? Maybe there is a future for you two, but I have the feeling that you met someone who plays your game better than you do, and you are about to lose everything. You know, like your ex did to you two years ago? He left you with few friends, a lack of social opportunities and no support.
What did she leave you with?
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