“I think I should speak now...”

A few weeks ago, my therapist and a large number of my friends recommended that I abstain from all contact with DA. I understand their reasoning and I agreed with it. I still do, but I realized that there were circumstances I hadn’t considered.

Cutting someone out of my life made last year’s Christmas Fair a very difficult one. There was no way for me to communicate directly with the person. Their presence made me feel uncomfortable with my fair family. I believe others noticed the conflict, even though the other person and I never spoke to each other or came within 10 feet.

Why in the name in all that is holy would I want another person I have to avoid? Our environment isn’t large enough. I am so done with drama messing up my time at fair. I also don’t want to ask DA to give up participating. I was the one who encouraged him to audition last year and I think it was a good thing. I don’t want to be the ex that forced him out of social venues. Having had that done to me, it fucking sucks ass.

Just because I don’t think absolute and complete silence is the correct answer doesn’t mean I have forgotten all of the things that I feel DA did. Even he admitted that he spent the past year fucking me over. I think we need to talk, in person, and figure out how to co-exist. I don’t think it means going over past wrongs, perceived or actual. I just think it means figuring out to move forward. (It also does not mean getting back together.)

I tried absolute silence and I think that taking the time off from communicating was good for me. I also understand that any interaction with DA is going to involve pain and so limiting time spent with him is probably for the better. However, if we can figure out a way for both of us to participate in the Christmas fair, I think it is worth the effort.  

The upcoming fair is nine weekends where we are sharing a space. I don’t want to spend it looking over my shoulder and avoiding him. To that end, I don’t think absolute and continued silence is the correct path. I think we need to have a some sort of understanding. 

Resuming communication only works if DA has similar feelings. My feelings don’t matter if he does not agree. I called DA (with his permission) and I presented the idea that I think we should communicate. I said I wouldn’t initiate contact again. If DA wants to salvage something, he will have to decide that it’s worth his time and effort. I did not bring up fair. I didn’t feel that it was appropriate, but now I wish I had. Regardless, I’ll either hear from him or I won’t.

This post’s song is obvious, but seemed very appropriate.