There are two parts of a relationship I really hate having to go through. I hate the beginning when I meet someone and I like them, but I don't know if the feeling is mutual. It can be agonizing as I put myself through self-esteem hell wondering if I am pretty, intelligent, and intriguing enough to engage their interest. I wonder how many relationships I sabotage before they even start.
As much as I hate the agony of figuring out a new relationship, ending a relationship is the only thing that I abhor more.
I know my relationship with Secondary has to be over. There is not one person in my life who has said otherwise. The closest that anyone has come is a friend who suggested that maybe, after a couple years, there could be the possibility of a friendship. Said friendship could only happen if Secondary does some major work on how to be an actual grown up as opposed to the selfish little boy he has proven to be.
So yes, I know that the relationship has to end. All right, folks, I am working on it. I deleted his contact information, deleted all the texts from every device I could think of. I removed him from my social media accounts. If I want to contact him, it's entirely possible, but it would take some real effort on my part. It would take the sort of effort that I can't pretend that I accidentally contacted him.
I know all the reasons that it has to be a no contact, no friendship, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200. I agree with them. Secondary never learned to treat me like I am a valued person with feelings. I let him off the hook too many times. He may never learn. I am not leaving because I think it will teach him a lesson. I am doing this for my sake.
I hope that no one else will get hurt the way I did. Many people have stated that Secondary simply doesn't understand that he is harming people. I believe that he has this idea that he can make everybody happy through effort, charm and wit. When he can't, it is the other person's fault for having unrealistic expectations. There is always an excuse, an apology and/or more worthless promises.
What pisses me off is that I want him to be hurt too. I want him to regret losing me. One of his roommates is a dear friend of mine. I am trying hard not to ask them about him. However, they mentioned that he was going off to dinner with the new girl and it was like a hot poker shoved in my gut. He has Primary and the new girl. What do I matter? (Obviously I don't, or I wouldn't have been pushed out of his life.)
This feeling of worthlessness is the other part I hate. I know it has to be over. I am committed to it being over. I have every intention of following through. However, that doesn't change the fact that it fucking hurts. It doesn't change the fact that I wish I had never met him. It also makes it that much harder for the next person to come along, because I am even less likely to believe that anyone could possibly want me after I stuck with an asshole who hurt me for so long.
I am not looking for any solutions or answers. I just want to stop feeling it. I want to get to the part where I don't care, I don't hurt and I don't feel like such a fucking loser.
Today's song is rather old, but with the exception of gender, perfectly applicable.
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