"Breakdown, go ahead and give it to me..."

I am a stress ball. I know that is very typical of adult children of alcoholics. Growing up in environments where feelings and emotions are not to be expressed; internalizing things is just a daily practice. I remember when I was 13, I was treated for a mysterious stomach ailment that lasted for days. It never occurred to anyone hat problems at home and being bullied at school were the probable cause, it was just labeled as mononucleosis.

I have hypothyroidism in the form of Hashimoto's Disease. I take medications for it, but one of the realities is that my metabolism is slow. One something starts, it's hard to shake off. Anything I ingest is likely to remain in my system for longer than most people. If I drink alcohol, I am very reluctant to drive for a long period of time, because I know that the 1 drink = 1 hour rule does not apply to me. It also means that there are a lot of pain killers I simply can't take by mouth. I have yet to find one that doesn't make me violently nauseous. If I am going to get pain medication, it has to be injected. I have had this fight with ER doctors, because the last thing I want is to be in pain and be nauseous. (This seems to be considered drug seeking behavior.)

If I let stress get to me, I end up in pain. Pain, understandably, makes me more stressed. Stress and pain makes me nauseated. Most of the things that ease pain make me sick. The fact that there is little I can do about the stress, the pain, and the nausea sets up a nasty cycle. Within a few days, I get to the point where Advil and Tylenol make me sick. (I am there with this round.) I am now to the point where I have given up everything to do with my diet and health, because I have only one goal, deal with the pain without throwing up and try not to stress about what I am doing to myself. I am not taking any of my medications that affect my digestion (most of them), I'm eating whatever will stay down, and while I have been taking walks, I haven't been exercising.

I know the answer, I am supposed to ask for help. I did that yesterday and the answer was "I'm not feeling well, either." I might have asked someone else but I figured the answer would be, "I could have seen you yesterday, I can see you tomorrow, but I have other plans tonight. Asking for help is hard enough, but being told no, that's more than I am able to deal with. I'd rather just not ask.

One of the things that my therapist and I discussed is that I am always the flexible and adaptable one. Because I don't let many people see my pain, some folks don't see that I'm suffering. They assume that I just wanted to stay home because that was  more fun. I am usually the one who takes care of people, not the other way around. I am so bad at taking care of myself or letting others take care of me, that I can't think of anyone who has succeeded at taking care of me in recent memory. It's not that people don't try, they do. I'm just a lousy patient; just ask my mother. (Old stories are hard to shake off. The best I have achieved is I can get people to leave me alone so I can attempt to take care of myself.

I know that if something doesn't give, I am going to break down. This morning a friend asked how I was, I told them that I was in pain. While they offered some sympathy and the offer of a massage, they also began telling me about something emotional and stressful going on in their life, with the promise of giving further details tonight. I declined their offer, because I know that even telling them, 'Um, what part of "I'm in pain, no added stress please" was unclear?' will not prevent the topic from sitting there between us because in our relationship, that's one of my roles. I need sympathy and comfort, I don't need to tell someone that I also don't want to hear about the stress in their lives when I have enough of my own.

I'm not writing this all out for sympathy or offers of help or even just for the sake of bitching (although there is some of that). I am writing this out because I know I can't be alone. I know that this is all exacerbated by my depression. The more pain I am in, the more sick I feel, the more stressed I get, the harder my depression rides me. I don't know what to do to fix it, because help feels too hard to come by.

I know, in my head, that the cycle will break and I will feel better. But in the midst of it, everything feels awful and I just want it all to stop.

But hey, Tom Petty was on sale a while back so he provides today's song.