"I've been wondering why I'm feeling down"

In education there is research into the idea of a fixed mindset vs. a growth mindset. In a nut shell, we aren't good or bad at a task, we have either put in effort or we have not. Very few people pick up a guitar and play beautifully on their first try. This does not mean they are bad at guitar playing, it means they are still learning the skill.

If one of my students were to tell me, "I'm stupid, I don't get why the Volstead Act led to the Great Depression." I wouldn't let them get away with it. I would tell them that they just don't know it yet and I would try to help them find the information and go over how to establish cause and effect in a history class. I want them to get to the point where they trust their research skills and can say, "I am good at research."

I won't let my students call themselves stupid when they are unable to perform a task; but I catch myself doing it all the time. Sometimes it's making fun of my own impulsiveness (Oh, it's not like I'm known for my patience). Sometimes it's a blatant attempt to fish for compliments. However the most frequent version is that I diminish my own abilities because I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or I just don't believe in my own skills.

It's really hard for me to say things like, "I am a good dancer."

Yesterday, at the contra camp, they played a dance done to a slip jig. It wasn't long before I felt my feet finding the jig step, my body rising and falling to the pulse of the music. I felt like I was floating. I felt like a good dancer. Of course I did, I might be relatively new to contra dance, but I've been dancing Irish for nearly 25 years. A contra dance done to an Irish Jig, that's my jam!

I think I need to figure out ways to find my own success and confidence because once I felt that feeling on the dance floor, it was much easier to find dance partners, enjoy the dances, and just GO. I want to be dancing again, like now!

I noticed something else, too. It's much easier to look at a past relationship objectively when you are having successes in a current one. It's so easy to say, that success facilitates success; but so hard to accomplish. It's so easy to say that confidence is built with success, but when things are very gray and sad, my world can seem like a very deep, dark hole.

I know that things are better because of medication, hard work, and luck. But I also know that some of it was just faking it. It's hard work, but I think this weekend is a good demonstration of the pay off.

Today's song is more of an ear worm from my recent foray into Dusty Springfield's greatest hits, although the song has application to my situation.

Always something there to remind me...

I am having a fantastic time at the dance camp. Everyone has been welcoming. It is much less awkward compared to the camp I went to two years ago.

The social anxiety isn't too bad. I'm not really hustling for partners, but some of that is just reminding myself that I shouldn't overdo it. I'm sitting right now, waiting for the Advil to kick in.

This is when the brain weasels come out to play. While I did a little contra dancing before meeting Benjamin, he was the one who got me into it. I gave it up for a bit when things between us started going south. I should have known that I was unhappy in the relationship when I didn't want to dance.

I'm really glad I'm here, but I'm missing Benjamin even more than I anticipated. I found myself thinking, "it wasn't that bad. Tell him what he wants to hear and you can dance with him again. It's what you both want."

No Rachel. You would be lying. Stating directly and clearly what you want in the relationship is how to make communication easy. You said what you wanted, Benjamin said your request was unreasonable and mandating the relationship. That marks the end of the conversation. 50+ bloody days of someone tell you that he doesn't want to fuck you should be sufficient. He said it's Friendship or no ship, with a side of perhaps.

I still miss the asshole.

I'm taking a rest. I'm eating. I'm processing quietly. I'm not going to contact Benjamin. That's unfair to him, since my last message essentially told him where to stuff himself. He's not going to contact me, same reason.

I'll try getting up and dancing soon and if that doesn't help, I'll take a walk. Take that weasels!

"It's a house of your making..."

I was talking to a friend yesterday and we were discussing relationships vs. friendships. The reason for all of this musing is my codependency book, which talked about defining boundaries for relationships with family, friends, and romantic partners.

I have a friend, I'll call him Scott. I have known him for years. We dance together, we hang out sometimes, we've hosted parties together. He has a wicked sense of humor and is the most loyal friend in the world. We have never been romantically involved and I sincerely doubt we ever will. I trust him implicitly. Scott doesn't rely on me and if I decline to see him, he spends time with his other friends. I don't take that as a judgement, either I am available or I am not. There is an emotional line that we've never explored. I think I could emotionally rely on him in a pinch, but he isn't someone I would turn to automatically.

I have a relationship with Scott, we are friends. I see him maybe once a month. We text occasionally and have a number of hobbies in common. There are clearly defined boundaries and lines to our relationship. It is comfortable for me and as I have gotten to know him, I truly appreciate having him in my life and I believe he feels the same.

A romantic relationship, for me, is much different. A romantic relationship usually requires a greater level of intimacy and support. As the intimacy deepens, so does the connection. I usually find that deeper connection through a more physical relationship. I have some friends with whom I am especially close and while we aren't sexually intimate, there is a significant physical component to our relationship. Sex isn't a requirement for an intimate relationship, but it helps.

While friends can betray each other, I don't think there is (usually) the same potential for harm. If Scott were to start a romantic relationship and not tell me about it, I might be a little miffed, but honestly I would just be happy for him and it wouldn't change my overall feeling about him or our friendship. However, if a romantic partner started a relationship with someone and neglected to tell me about it, I would consider that akin to cheating. In my version of polyamory, communication about a new relationship is very important. If a person fails to do so, they have broken my trust and that is not so easily restored.

I am friends with a number of my former romantic partners, but there has to be a cooling off period for me. I found that if I don't enforce that, I would get all the verbiage of friendship, but the love, support, and emotional intimacy of a romantic partner was still expected, just without the return. The worst case scenario I've see is when that sort of "friendship" is continued, even though it is doing grievous harm to one person while the other benefits. One friend maintained a fairly close friendship with her ex. They even spent overnights together (but they were still just friends). That worked for her ex until he found another romantic partner, at which point he cut my friend off and mostly pretended like she didn't exist.  (Thankfully she bounced back and has found a much better relationship.)

The book mostly suggests that people with codependent tendencies avoid returning to romantic relationships after they have ended. However, if one is going to go against the author's advice, they stated that the intentions of the relationship should be firmly established between all involved. If its a friendship, there should be a waiting period. If the two people are going to continue a romantic involvement, then the most important thing to reestablish is trust and communication. The reason is so that the codependent can take some agency in the relationship. Instead of hoping that they will get the support that they need, they can should ask for it directly.

The unwillingness to give a direct answer (and deal with the repercussions of the answer) is typical of codependent relationships. The book had an excellent suggestion when that sort of pushback is the result of a direct request. Walk away and don't look back.

I am allowed to determine what I will and will not accept in a relationship. If someone doesn't like my expectations, they have the option to not be in a relationship with me. It was a request, not an invitation to negotiate.

(Compromise is a necessary and good thing in any relationship, don't get me wrong. "Yes, and" or "No, but" are perfectly reasonable answers. But when compromise is used as a way to keep a person around without committing to the relationship, it's manipulation and rather cruel. )

Today's song was easy.

"We gave hospitality to the pain"

In the continuing series of Rachel figures out things that everyone else seems to know, I realized that communication is only as hard as you let it be.

I had a very enjoyable dinner with a new friend. He stated, "You must communicate this directly to ride this ride." It was charming and the rest of the conversation consisted of him modeling the style of communication that worked for him. It was remarkable. He made it very clear that he said what he means and means what he says. I found it easy to follow and mirror. I also found that it's not a bad way to do things.

I tried this idea of just being myself, not trying to be the "Rachel I think he wants". I told him things that I normally wouldn't share on a second date. While I didn't tell him about this blog, I did tell him about my process over the past few months and how direct communication was sometimes difficult for me and why.

He asked the exact right questions about how I was feeling. (He's a lawyer and has some tricks that I so need to learn for getting people to spill.) I told him that I felt like I should just leave; I felt too broken and raw to be on a date. He just smiled and told me that I was just human and he appreciated my direct honesty and was glad to hear about my journey. It was a lovely and enlightening evening. I look forward to seeing him again and what is fantastic is that I am aware that he feels the same way about seeing me.

There was one of those e-mails waiting for me when I finally looked at my phone (in response to one of those e-mails I had sent). I didn't read it until I got home, but left it to answer later. It was convoluted and went over the same points that this person and I had been arguing over for months. I went to sleep and Connie (my puppy) woke me up at 3am. Apparently she also woke up my brain weasels.

I couldn't sleep, so I wrote out a long and detailed reply, countering arguments, making points and generally trying to prove that I am right. I wrote the exact same e-mail I have probably written 30 times already. The weasels weren't satisfied, so I ended up saving the e-mail that went into all the arguments into my drafts folder.

Then I scrapped the entire message. I tried to write something blunt and direct, because all I really want is just an apology and closure. Since my very polite "I think we should just agree that this isn't going to resolve" didn't seem to be understood, I made my two most important arguments (both of which are newish) and closed with a "Goodbye". I sent it off, had a good cry and managed to get a bit more sleep, the weasels seemingly satisfied.

I am not proud of that e-mail. I realize I don't want to send or read anymore of those e-mails. I won't say I never will again, but I think I am going to adopt a policy that if I am having to write emotionally volatile e-mails or I am receiving them, I am going to stop engaging. If anything needs to be communicated, it can be done directly or not at all. I am so done with emotional bullshit just because I want a damn apology and a chance to try again.

I know that emotional bullshit isn't done with me. I tend toward passive aggressive and have a lot of things to work on with regards to communication. But it was nice to know that not only are there people who are giving me an enthusiastic "yes" to my requests, but that there are people willing to model a direct form of communication that will, ideally, eliminate the need for those sorts of e-mails.

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps

A couple of weeks ago, I was at a dance event. My daughter and I ended up leading a country dance set. The band was too loud to call over, so my daughter and I opened up our personalities and made ourselves as big as possible to help our group do the dance. It was silly and awesome fun. I really don't do that often enough.

I was discussing it with a friend and they asked me why not? Why don't I let my charisma and intensity out of the box? Why do I keep it bottled up? My answer was typical of an ACA. What if people don't like me?

I liked their comment. "What if everybody did like you? Wouldn't that be just as bad?" I hadn't ever thought of it that way.

I have been receiving a lot of encouragement from people, some I have known a long time and some I have only known for a brief period, to stop living in fear of offending people. I remember Jack used to tell me that if I would stop living in fear, I had the charisma to take over the world. I imagine he was exaggerating, but I take his point.

So that's my overall goal, to pull apart the things that make me fearful of offending people and determine how much of that is rooted to my issues as a survivor. I never thought of myself as someone who dealt with PTSD, but the more I read about Adult Children of Alcoholics, the more I understand that I have a very skewed view of the environments I inhabit.

Yesterday I got into a discussion with Benjamin. (I would be vague, but you are all smart enough to figure it out, so I am calling a spade, a spade.) I know, I know what I said about not talking. I had hoped that if given the opportunity that maybe we could figure something out. I certainly did. I may have misunderstood what he meant, but I think I understand why I can't figure out our shit.

Going back to being an ACA: When our personal world and the relationships within it become very unpredictable or unreliable, we may experience a loss of trust and faith in both relationships and in life’s ability to repair and renew itself. This is why the restoration of hope is so important in recovery. 

I am very fortunate to have a primary relationship that I can depend upon. It has been essential to my recovery on many occasions and has given me the strength to start this process of self actualization, which sounds so hippie, I want to shoot myself. But I know that this is good stuff, however it is sometimes painful and has been challenging. But isn't anything worthwhile?

A few months ago, I would have said the same about my relationship with Benjamin. I usually hold something back in my relationships. I am constantly living in fear that things will go wrong. And I had that fear with Benjamin. My fears caused problems, but as we worked through obstacles and challenges, I began to trust and invest more and more of myself. I would say that I was all in. (My perspective is biased, but who else can I ask?)

Last August/September our relationship became unreliable and I reacted like any ACA would, I emotionally constricted. I went back to old ways of relating to people and I found it very hard to trust Benjamin. I became so dysfunctional that I finally saw no choice but to leave.

We have tried to repair things, but faith and, more importantly, hope is essential to me. Whenever I talk to Benjamin about putting our relationship back together, I feel there is always a caveat. I feel like his answer is always, "perhaps". After everything I invested of myself into that relationship, a dismissive perhaps hurts my heart.

This was my feeling as I walked to a coffee date last night. I am glad that I had a few blocks to clear my head, so when I finally sat down, I was able to focus on the person in front of me and leave my frustration with Benjamin at the door.

It was one of the best damn first dates I have ever had. We clicked. That look I described a few days ago? Yeah, that happened in about the first 20 minutes and what a lovely soul to view. The more we talked, the more we clicked. It wasn't the "we have so much in common" thing, although there was some of that.

No it was the feeling of being accepted for exactly who and what I am. (We were finishing each others sentences for fuck's sake.) There were no reservations. I didn't feel like I had to hold back. My date never said, "perhaps" He told me after I got home that he didn't want me to come home with him last night, because then it might have just been a one-off thing. (Hey, I did say we clicked.) He said that he wants to get to know me so that there are many nights. *melt*

After months of only hearing "perhaps", an enthusiastic "yes" was water in a drought.  Benjamin is a wonderful person and I do miss spending time with him. But I realized that if he can't say yes, then why should I? I have so many people who want to tell me yes, I just haven't been paying attention. Last night opened my eyes and I decided that I am just done with "perhaps".

Blue Plate Specials

I had planned to start in on the book Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair. I still have stuff left to do in the Mind over Mood book, but for a while it's going to be repeating the exercises, which is important but won't make for very interesting blogging.

I am not going to do so today. Maybe tomorrow.

A while ago, a man I dated described people as blue plate specials. People are a package deal, you don't get to choose what things you want from them, you either get the whole person or you don't get them at all. I have always liked this metaphor.

This is also really difficult for me. I want people to like me. I want to be the Rachel that they will like. I have been told that this is typical for ACAs. It's incredibly difficult for me to advocate for myself.

I tend to overthink, to worry, to over analyze. I read every e-mail I send over and over again, even after I send them. I agonize over every word in a conversation. It can be exhausting.  I am afraid if I say what I really think and feel, I will offend people. I am afraid that they will go away and abandon me. This is also a huge problem for ACAs.    

Part of this learning process is to stop trying to make people happy by being anything other than who I am. I am a package deal and if people don't like me as I am, I move on to the next person. It's not a reflection on me, it just means we are not compatible.

That is so fucking easy to write.

Today I stated, as clearly as I knew how, that I was a blue plate special. I read that someone wanted one part of me, but was not interested in the other. That's an acceptable position, but I had to apologize and tell them that they take all of me or nothing.  It was one of the hardest e-mails I have written. I tried not to spend too much time with it. I tried not to agonize over it. I am asking for what I think I need. If they say no, then it's not personal, it's just reality.

And the same is true for them. They are telling me what their blue plate special consists of and I can either accept it or not. 

But I am worried, I am agonizing, I am anxious. I shouldn't be. If this person doesn't want me as I am, someone else will. I can believe that. I will believe that. If I don't want them as they are, that's okay too. That's just the way it goes sometimes.

I don't have a song today. I can't figure out quite how I feel and the person responded so I have an e-mail to look at.

"Where I am is no limit, no walls, no ceilings..."

Yes, I am whining about my ex, but I'm whining with purpose!

Last night was I was sitting at home, depressed and fussed. "Aha," says I, "This is a great time to do one of my nifty thought exercises. Because that would be healthy and responsible!"

Okay, maybe a friend kicked my ass while we were chatting. Still, the thought experiment was performed.

1. Situation:

At home, Friday night, left to my own devices. (I chose this, I am spending the weekend with family, I wanted a night at home, to myself.)

2. Moods

Depressed - 40%
Worthless - 20%
Sad - 30%
Angry - 10%

3. Automatic Thoughts

I want to talk to Benjamin
He didn't love me.
I'm unworthy of love
I am so pathetic. (hot thought)

4. Evidence that supports the hot thought

I am still thinking about him
I miss him
I should know better
He doesn't want me anyway
I can't even tell anyone because then they will know how pathetic I am.

5. Evidence that does not support the hot thought
 It was a two year relationship, give it time.
I was social yesterday and had a good time
Lots of people care about me
I am getting better.

6. Alternative/Balanced Thoughts

I don't think that the book really suggests doing an internet search, but I did. I don't remember what I googled, but this quote by Eliza Engellenner came up. It was just what I needed. So I am using it as my alternative thought, even though it isn't mine.

 “He may still love you. He probably does. He probably doesn’t know what he wants. He probably still thinks about you all the time. But that isn’t what matters. What matters is what he’s doing about it, and what he’s doing about it is nothing. And if he’s doing nothing, you most certainly shouldn’t do anything. You need someone who goes out of their way to make it obvious that they want you in their life.”

7. Rate Mood Now
Depressed - 20%
Worthless - 0%
Sad - 40%
Angry - 0%


It doesn't matter if it's my fault or Benjamin's fault; if he really did something wrong or because my brain is so screwed up that I couldn't see that I mattered to him as much as he said. It was actions When I related the situation to my ass kicking friend last night they said "if you truly felt that he wanted you in his life, you wouldn't have wanted to walk away."

So I am still sad. I was still depressed last night, but the anger and the feelings of worthlessness faded away. Just before bed, I found out that a different person did something relatively small, it wasn't even directed at me, but it made it obvious that they want me in their life. I was all aflutter. I couldn't even articulate how much it meant to me. I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by affection and love, that is the thing that makes me feel like I am wanted in someone's life.

I have thought of texting Benjamin nearly everyday. It was our most constant form of contact and even after weeks of inconsistent messaging, I still look at my phone, wishing I could break the silence and just say, "hi".

But then I remember why I stopped contacting him and asked him to stop contacting me. The consistent message I received from Benjamin was that he would only talk to me if...

• I don't discuss the past few months
• I don't rehash old fights
• I don't ask him for support
• I don't ...
• I don't ...
• I don't ...

 I don't know if Engellener's quote is true for Benjamin. It doesn't matter. When I think about talking to him, I don't feel acceptance and love. I don't feel overwhelmed. I feel blocked. I feel the wall. As long as I look back and only see the wall, there's no reason to keep trying. People don't hear clear messages through walls. I can't tear down the wall. I can only shake my head with regret and walk away. It doesn't matter what might be going on behind the wall, I don't see it.

So I'm going to try and picture that wall any time I think of contacting Benjamin. I don't have to do anything else. Walls block communication, so even if I say, "hi" or anything else, he won't hear me.

If Benjamin wants me in his life, he will have to take the action. And I still won't have to do anything, unless I feel overwhelmed with affection and love. I took a mental snapshot of that feeling last night. It's not any big, grand gesture. It's just having someone show you that they accept you, proverbial warts and all.

It was a matter of feeling truly heard. Damn that's a good feeling!

"...it's a bittersweet symphony this life..."

I hate dating. I had forgotten how much I truly abhor dating. I know that I don't have to date and that it's my own choice. I am very poly, however, if I could figure out a way to avoid dating and still have a robust social life, I would. I know that single people want to hit me because I already have a spouse. What can I tell you, I'm greedy and paying for it.

I love the part when you know that someone you are intrigued by returns the feelings. I love the part where you look into their eyes and they look back and you touch souls for the first time. It's been a couple of years since the last time it happened and I still remember it. We were walking around San Francisco, on our way to the restaurant. We stopped at a corner and were waiting to cross the street. I looked at him; he looked at me and there was a click. I knew, just knew that there was something.

I think that is one of the greatest feelings in the world. I think the only one better is when you look at someone you have known for years and still feel the same click.

So while I am not a fan of dating, per say, I am willing to put up with the fuss and nonsense in the hope that I will discover that click with someone.

Last night was probably the first time that I went to a social gathering feeling like I was running on all thrusters. I was at a munch (a causal gathering of kink-minded people at a bar or restaurant). I was there to meet with a potential dominant who lives in the area.

I walked in, I recognized the potential from his pictures. I also ran into a couple of friends. So we all chatted in a big circle. The potential held his own and seemed very comfortable. However as the night wore on, I began to feel sorry for him. He couldn't get me alone. The circle kept rotating people and there never seemed a polite way to get me away. A number of people hadn't seen me in a while, so I kept having people come over to chat and catch up.

I finally pulled us to a corner where it seemed very obvious that we were going to talk alone. We got maybe 10 minutes before people decided to join us. The potential took it very well and as we left he asked me to join him for dinner in a couple of days. I suppose that a request for a second date is a good sign.

One of the other things I had forgotten about dating is that people ask about your dating life. In my case, I was asked by four people who had seen my ex and I together in November or December. Since the ex and I never really announced our relationship, we didn't announce our breakup.

Those were difficult conversations to have in public. It was especially hard because while I tried to keep to bland platitudes and such, I felt that my answers made it clear that I would rather that we were still together. It felt somewhat awkward. I haven't broken up with someone in a very long time. I had forgotten about needing a cover story to save face.

So last night was mostly good, but there was some bittersweet too.

That carried into today. My ex helped me with a school project last year. I used the templates he made for me yesterday and today. I love the assignment and the templates he made really enhances the overall impact on my students. But it was hard to look at the damn thing all day long and not feel bittersweet and nostalgic. I had forgotten that part of dating too.

"...when I can go therapy..."

I received two questions today. I am going to answer them now because they have been picking at my brain.

1. What is so damn special about Jack and Benjamin?

Because they both opened up new venues of affection, touch and emotional connections for me.

It feels like they are the only people with whom I could explore these connections. I can't replace them and I can't have them. The connections are there, but I have no idea how to explore them on my own. I do not know how to make them with someone else.

This is why I have books, homework and am working with a therapist. I have to figure this shit out. I wish I had heard of the Mary J. Blige's song I posted down below two years ago, but better late that never.

2. You have done a lot of processing in the past few weeks. It is possible that Benjamin has as well. Would you talk to him if he asked?

If Benjamin wanted to talk, I would be very wary. One of my husband's arguments against me discussing emotional connections with Benjamin is because Benjamin is not a therapist. It isn't fair to ask him to act like one. I agree with my husband. I would say the same goes for me. I took on a lot of Benjamin's emotional baggage during our realtionship. One of the reasons I am so bitter is because I feel like I got little in return. That isn't fair to Benjamin; I am in charge of enforcing my boundaries. It is not Benjamin's fault that I didn't stick to them.  

If Benjamin is processing with a therapist, then I could see where talking might be beneficial and we could reforge a friendship. I don't see any other circumstance where having an extended conversation would be a good idea for either of us.

"...the questions run too deep..."

Depression might have a purpose. If you want to skip the article, my takeaway is that depression encourages the brain to go into a period of rumination, allowing a person to figure out.the things that are hurting them and resolving said issues.

I feel so much better now! (That's sarcasm, by the way) I suppose I should be glad that there is a reason that I have been able to do all this processing. I'll be better in the long run and all those sorts of platitudes.

My husband doesn't read my blog. I tell him some of the highlights, because it is good to also talk about this stuff and I figure telling my partner about my journey is good communication. I mentioned asking my ex for some feedback about emotional connections and my husband thought it was a really bad idea.

Now I knew that I was waffling, so while I have ruminated about whether or not I should talk to my ex, I haven't actually contacted him. I have kept my promise to myself; it has been about 10 days since I have communicated with him. There was a good reason for that decision, talking to him always results in an emotional upset for me, which my husband gets to deal with. My husband is rather sick and tired of dealing with these emotional upsets.

I realized that I haven't had significant dealings with my ex in over six weeks. I also realized that any emotional connections we might have had ended in September. So I would be asking for data from over five months ago. My ex is not known for having a great memory. I don't need to talk to him, because the answer is likely to be, "I don't remember." The other likely answer is, "Well, given how much fighting we did over the past six months, I don't know."

Yay for logic, there is no good reason for me to contact my ex. I suppose that is an important realization. Just because I have figured out things and feel differently doesn't change the fact that we broke up for very good reasons. It doesn't change the fact that I stopped talking to him for very good reasons.

I am writing this out, as embarrassing as it is, because I have to remind myself that I missed this lesson as I supposedly grew up and matured. While I have had emotional break-ups in the past, I think the one I had when I was 20 was when I learned that when you break up with someone you leave. You walk away, you don't look back. There have been two exceptions, this most recent relationship and my relationship with Jack.

So, that's the next thought experiment I get to go through, what is it about those relationships that makes me so stupid? What is it about those relationships that causes me to linger in the sidelines hoping that there will be another play when the game is clearly over?

Things were volatile over the past few months so I kept unfriending my ex on social media. Then we would make-up and I would refriend him. This happened so many times that I couldn't remember what the status was. When I cut off all contact, I didn't think that we were still connected. I realized yesterday that we still are. So, it is possible that my ex is reading this blog. (For that matter, Jack could be reading it too, but that is far less likely.)

So there is another place where I am just not letting go. On the other hand, even if I unfriend him now, it's not like I can lock up this blog. If he wants to read it, well, fine. It's not like there is a way I can tell if he, or anyone else, is reading it unless they comment.

I am going to poke at my reluctance a bit, although I don't want to dwell. I want to just walk away. That is what is best. I have to keep reminding myself that the relationship is over. I didn't choose to end it. My ex made a series of choices, each one pushed our relationship apart. I had a series of reactions, each reaction pushed us even further apart. Where there was a relationship, there is only a deep emotional chasm. Walking back toward my ex means falling into that chasm. When I tried to discuss the issues with my ex, he became angry at me and told me that my emotional reactions were rehashing old fights. He told me that we shouldn't talk for a few months until I could be reasonable. (That might sound rather familiar, thus my reaction to run away and hide.)

Or if he didn't say that, it's still how I interpreted it, which is really all that matters, since my ex isn't around to correct my impression.

So, there's my answer. No contact is the right choice. I am going to move forward. I went on a date on Saturday. I have another date tomorrow. I am going to dance events. I am pursuing my hobbies. I am going to fake it until I make it.

"...though my mind wants to cry out loud"

I have always liked David Bowie. I am not the biggest fan. I don't have every album, I never saw him in concert. But there is just something about him that always appealed to me. Today I learned why and also why I should listen to every album and then some. Bowie has been my path to emotional expression for most of my life, one of the few I have really related to. I couldn't have told you that until today, but I realize that it's true.

It started because I was chatting with my theyfriend yesterday. They commented that they were confused by me in relation to my blog. They said, "your blog seems very intimate and like you're in touch with your feelings and motivations." Then a bit later in the conversation, they noted that while I might seem in touch with them in a written blog, that wasn't true when we spent time together.

I was relating this to another friend who had a great response which I thought explains it better than I could: "...but it's so much easier to be all emotionally connected in writing! You can just keep rewriting, editing and/or smacking yourself with metaphorical frying pans until you get emotional stuff out! AND you get all the time you need to write things out in a nice, reasonable, logical, fashion--not the messy way that oral words can often come out."

  My friend is right, but I know that there is more to it than that. Back in the days of LiveJournal, another friend observed that all my drama seemed contained to my LJ and little, if any of it, came out in person. No one has to read my blog, If they do, they get my emotional stuff. But unless it is specifically requested, I don't like to show my emotions in public.

I know that my emotional affect can be rather flat. To quote my theyfriend about how I express my emotions in person: "it also seems like sometimes you want to know how to [express emotions], and other times like feelings are the most stupid thing ever and best to avoid..."

I have emotions, I feel them all the time. But emotional expression is a learned skill. There are seven basic emotions. Learning how to read them is a skill, but so is learning how to express them, or in my case, not to express them. I am exceptionally good at reading emotions, but horrible at showing them.

Imagine having parents who lacked the ability to discern facial expressions. How would they raise a child?  In my case, they taught me that while having emotions is unavoidable,  emotional expression to other people shows a lack of control. I was more than welcome to express fear, surprise, or anger. But I had to be able to articulate and explain it. I was never allowed to simply be upset or be sad. I learned that emotional outbursts (as my parents would call them) were wrong. If I was going to have one, I was expected to go to my room and have it quietly. I could come out when I could be "reasonable".

Emotions became a thing to have in private. I broke my fingers when I was 11, they were dislocated and there was severe nerve damage. I didn't cry until I was in the privacy of my own room, hours later. I can, and do, get overwhelmed with emotion, but the proscription against showing emotions is so deeply laid, I feel embarrassed to have imposed on someone. I will usually apologize and then the emotion that I was feeling gets wrapped in shame. At that point, it can be nearly impossible for me to separate the two. 

My solution to this problem has been simple, I learned to avoid showing emotions and having emotional relationships. I wish this were a healthy solution. I can, and probably should, write a book on how deeply screwed up some of my relationships have ended up being.

I don't think I realized how much I was just skating through life, not really paying attention to my emotions until my body started rebelling. I was going over my test numbers with my doctor a few days ago. He thinks that things with my thyroid started going south in late 2015. That means that I spent the better part of a year with a deteriorating ability to deal with stress and emotion. I started losing control and so emotions came pouring out in inappropriate ways. I suppose I should be thankful in the long run. While the past year has been fucking hell, at least now I know why I stopped feeling like my usual self. I also know how to prevent it from happening in the future. I have a checklist of things to look for so that my thyroid doesn't get so far out of whack.

It is likely that the issues with my thyroid also accelerated the progression of my diabetes. Again, the diabetes part suck, but better to know now when I can make lifestyle changes, as opposed to five or more years from now, when those changes would be harder and the damage further along. 

However, the final positive thing that came out of this negative experience is that I have had to face the fact that my emotional coping mechanisms are deeply flawed. I was in a relationship that was feeding this part of my soul that I didn't even know was hungry. Unfortunately a number of factors (many of them presumably related to my health, emotional and physical) have ended that relationship. That has been difficult, because unlike most relationships, where the emotions were tightly controlled and so the loss didn't cut too deeply, my physical issues put my heart into a position to connect to someone emotionally. I can't remember the last time I cared so much that a relationship ended. I don't mean to say that other relationships didn't affect me, but mostly I would shrug and pick up with someone new. I just turned off the emotions and moved on as quickly as possible. I took the end of my second marriage hard, but that had a lot more to do with the financial repercussions and how hard it was on my children. I was mostly relieved that my husband was gone.

One of the complaints from this most recent ex: there wasn't enough of an emotional connection between us. I wish they knew how frustrating and hurtful that feels, although I now understand what they mean. I was not really capable of connecting with someone at a deeply emotional level, I lack the skill or even the understanding. Despite everything, my theyfriend is right, I have wavered between desperately wanting to know how to express emotions and acting like they were something detestable and better avoided. Since avoiding them makes life easier, I mostly have just avoided them. Let me tell you, this whole having feelings about someone is dreadfully inconvenient. (There are like three people who get that joke, so just trust me, it's hilarious.)

I suppose, like my thyroid issues, at least now I have a checklist of things to look for in my relationships. I am not sure how someone explains to another person, "Hey, I really like you. I know it doesn't seem that way, but I do." I suppose I could try writing really sappy love letters or something. I don't know. It's easy to record stuff on this blog. I am just writing to myself. I tried writing stuff to my previous relationship, but it never seemed to make things better. I suppose that is the part I can pin on them, but honestly, I don't know anymore. 

As I pull all of this emotional crap apart, it's really easy to decide it was all my fault and just figure that I ruined the relationship. I have considered asking them if I can go over some of this with them. I thought about it and then realized that if we could talk for ten minutes without it descending into a "you said/I said" conversation, it would be a miracle. I can't figure why this time would be different than the umpteen times we tried to talk from September to December. I suppose it's just one of those things, that the relationship is simply over, but at least I can take the things I learned to the next one.

But going back to yesterday's post, I wonder if I am letting fear of rejection prevent me from what could be a beneficial interaction. Or maybe I just don't want to let go, so I am looking for an excuse to talk to them again.

But as I mentioned at the start of this post, the last good thing to come from this mess, I discovered, why David Bowie held such appeal to me growing up and to this day. According to Dr. Riggio, "Bowie had an extraordinary ability to convey emotions to others...". Music has always been the one way I can truly express emotions to other people. Lyrics, chords, timing, music has the nuance and depth that allowed me to make sense of emotional expression. Of course it does, my father was a concert pianist. I can't remember him ever saying, "I love you, Rachel." I do remember him saying, "Ok, squirt, I want you to listen to this part, can't you just feel the blossoms in the the music? What is Vivaldi trying to make you feel?" Bowie's music showed what emotions looked like and felt like. Bowie expressed feelings I don't know how to show.

So today's music is sung by David Bowie, but it is a cover. I have always loved this song, because it feels like flying. However, Bowie's version captures what dancing feels like to me, when I feel like I'm flying with my partner. Dancing, the one place where all my emotional expression and then some could come out and people just smiled and noted what life I brought to whatever sort of dancing I did. Dancing is the only place where I have ever felt free to fully express my emotions.

"There's only now, There's only here, Give in to love, Or live in fear."

In 2004, an ex-boyfriend, I'll call him Jack, was in an accident. He was put into the hospital due to his injuries and while he did recover, it took awhile.

I went to the hospital as soon as I heard. His girlfriend was by his side. He didn't need me there. So why did I show up? Why did I visit again with comic books? Why did I pick him up from the hospital?

Well some of it was practical. At the time I had a minivan, so taking Jack and his wheelchair home made the most sense. However, the reason I showed up in the first place is because I realized that I cared enough about him to be worried. I hated the idea that I would let the end of our relationship keep Jack out of my life. I showed up at the hospital because I realized that if he had died with our relationship in the state it was in, I would have been devastated. I brought the comic books because that was something that we shared.



It has been over 10 years since the accident. I hardly talk to him now and it's probably been over a year since we have seen each other. What happened to my moment of clarity? Just life.

That doesn't change that Jack has meant a great deal to me. I am married to the man that Jack told to go out with me. (My husband and I were introduced by a mutual friend, but it was Jack who told my husband to never let me slip away and told me the same of him.) Jack lives in a house that I encouraged him to buy.  When my husband was in the hospital, Jack and his wife were the first people to visit him and offer me support.

I think that one reason that I don't worry about Jack is that I trust that he is where he wants to be. I miss him from time to time, but I suppose that one has to let relationship go if that's the natural course.

The reason for my nostalgia is because I saw Rent last night. I saw it differently, that living in fear is rather stupid when life is so uncertain. In the past year, I had the idea that there can be no tomorrow when it comes to relationships slammed home. A friend from high school, that I always meant to make time for, died in a car accident. Another friend is living day to day with cancer. As I get older, I am starting to see how much fear is holding me back and for what? As I get older "No Day but Today" rings loud and clear.

I know part of what I am doing with all this work is figuring out how to live outside of fear. But I can't get an objective feel for what I should do about Benjamin. I ran to Jack's bedside and admittedly, I did feel better. However, the relationship still faded. It faded due to circumstances and experience, I know better than to try and rekindle it. I don't think that's fear, I think that is me being realistic. There is no future relationship for Jack and me.

Last night, I really wished I could have shared Rent with Benjamin. We had discussed the play a number of times and I think that he would have been able to see the appeal of the story. He's only heard the soundtrack; last night reminded me why that is only 1/2 of the show.  I think he would have understood the message. I don't know. It probably doesn't matter, because I am not sure it's my fear that drove us apart. Maybe it was his, or more likely, it's like what happened with Jack and me. Due to circumstance, the relationship has reached an end point and there's no rekindling it.

I just don't know if that's true, that the relationship is truly over, or if it's just fear. I am not even sure how I can know, because I am not even sure whose fear drove who away or if it was simply mutual.

"one foot in front of the other"

I figured it out. I figured out where the evidence was lacking. I was looking backward.

I have to look forward. It's an idea I teach my students, to stop looking inward but to instead help someone else. It can be a friend, charity, psychologically speaking it doesn't matter, helping others makes one feel better.

I didn't plan on helping out, but I ended up doing so and hey, I feel better. So I guess I just have to figure this out one step at a time, reaching out to others in the process. ('Cause it's just that easy.)

I'm a Loser, baby...

No one wants to be told they're an asshole. They don't want to be told why I think they are an asshole. If a conversation gets to the point where I feel that I have to communicate that point, the conversation is long over.

I don't usually intend to tell people I think they are an asshole. There are exceptions, of course, but I don't like to throw the word around.

Actually, I don't think I tell people much at all. I am a go along, to get along kind of person. It isn't that I don't engage in conflict, I do. I just tend to be passive aggressive about it. Again, it's not intentional, but it is what I learned.

I am trying to be more forthright. It's mostly just getting me into fights. In yesterday's post, I described what happened when I told a friend that due to health issues, I couldn't be as supportive as I had been in the past. They decided that I was no longer safe to spend time with. I told my household that going back to work after a month off was going to be an adjustment, last night there was a fight because I there was no dinner at 7:30 and I wasn't up to making any.

I had a friend tell me that I should just be me, all personality and chutzpah. However, I have been told so many times to quiet down, to be less, to stop stealing attention, that I don't even know what the authentic me looks like anymore. Mostly I just figure that I should withdraw back into the corner and apologize for making a spectacle of myself.

So this is my problem, I am supposed to go through my feelings, finding evidence that my fears (that I am a selfish attention hog and that nobody wants me around) are unfounded. I can't. I get so caught up in the evidence that supports "Rachel is a selfish attention hog", I can't see the evidence that says otherwise.

As is very obvious to anyone who has been reading this blog, I recently ended a relationship (actually, I was dumped). One of the consistent complaints that my ex put forward was that I could only see the negative, no matter how hard he tried to show me otherwise.

He's right, I only do see the negative. I can tell you all the reasons I feel like he doesn't care for me . It's so bad that I asked that we go cold turkey and just not talk or communicate. I just *sigh* and pat myself on the back because it's been over a week since we've seen each other, nearly a week since we last communicated. Yay, I can say that I didn't break my promise for a whole week, woo hoo!  What I have actually done is withdraw into a corner and stopped bothering him. I still think that he stopped caring for me, so staying away from him is justified. No one wants an clingy ex around. Since he is respecting my request for silence (because I asked him to) it just proves my point, he didn't want me around anyway. (I don't actually know what he thinks, since he tells me that he likes me and then his actions seem to show otherwise and then when I say something, he just tells me that all I see is the negative, and that's why we don't talk anymore.)

I haven't solved anything. I still think as negatively about that relationship as I did a week ago or a month ago. No, actually I would say that my outlook is even more negative, because all I have is my own juices to stew in (as I did yesterday). There's nothing to counter the narrative, just more evidence that I was right.

Overall, I believe I am feeling better. I am managing my work load. I am trying to talk to people, planning to do things. I am working on being me. But I am stymied by this idea that people will like me for being just who I am. That doesn't seem to be true, in fact most of my evidence suggests otherwise.

I have plans for the weekend, but since most of them require me to go my myself, I doubt I will end up doing anything. I was going to meet up with someone on Monday and I cancelled on them today because I could only see the possibility for a negative outcome. I feel like I am still watching life pass me by, convinced that no one really wants me around.

I am not sure how books or even therapy is supposed to break 45 years of being told "not good enough". Trying has pretty much made things worse and I don't feel like I am making any progress. Not making progress makes me feel like more of a failure, and so I end up looking at my weekend and simply dreading it.

And then I write it down and feel so damn pathetic that I don't want to admit it, because who wants to read this crap?

So how do I find this "alternative" evidence.  Short of getting Kellyann Conway to spin for me, I feel like all this work has done is to show me that no matter what I do, people are going to be disappointed in me.

"Once I stood alone so proud..."

"Equal participation is not something we can have right now. You have been very explicit that you are unable to provide meaningful support while you work through your health issues. I have never pushed back or disagreed with you on this and I have done my best to respect and support you in it.  

Unfortunately, I found that very difficult to do and was often unsuccessful at restraining myself from asking too much of you. As this has resulted in severe outcomes for you, I have found it necessary to pull back until I found a safe distance." (reprinted without permission)

I have been going over this in my mind. I don't like sharing another's words without permission, but this excerpt embodies many of my fears, in fact it really epitomizes them. So I am going to take on this fear head on or at least try to.

Here's what I know: My mother expected a lot from me. I was expected to clean the house, cook, take care of her morning routine. It was my job to make the coffee and have it ready before she woke up. I was expected to have dinner ready when she finished her second job. It was just my mother and me and she worked two jobs, so it fell to me to play homemaker. I didn't get to really participate in after school activities or see my friends because it was expected that I would go home and be a housewife. My mother has four younger brothers, so she had been raised with similar expectations. I don't think it even occurred to my her that I would resent her expectations until I went to live with my dad for a year.

I was raised that I was only as good as what I could do for people, specifically my parents. If I wasn't contributing, I was lazy and selfish.

I have taken that into adulthood. My life is like a big tally sheet. I give a lot to people. I expect a lot in return. I try not to, but I have to admit, I keep score. In the case of this person whose writing I am sharing, I feel I gave them a lot more than they gave me. In fact, I used words like abandon to describe their behavior. The excerpt isn't meant to be representative of all the communication this person and I have had. It's just meant to show my triggers, because they are in there.

"You have been very explicit that you are unable to provide meaningful support while you work through your health issues."

This was really hard for me to do. My upbringing always implied that I was only as good as what I could offer to a person. I thought of this person as someone I could count on. I told them honestly that while I dealt with my health issues, I could not be the most supportive friend. I thought this was being openly communicative. I thought I was doing a good thing. And their response: "I...was often unsuccessful at restraining myself from asking too much of you. [...] I have found it necessary to pull back until I found a safe distance."

Now this is where I am troubled. This seemed very reasonable when I first received this message. They were expressing their needs. But then my tally sheet kicked in and I became incredibly angry. I couldn't (and still don't) understand why this person chose to pull back at this time. On the one hand, I appreciate their honesty. On the other hand, it triggered every fear I have. I'm deeply afraid that if I stop giving to people, they will go away. I believe that when I am in need, I will get abandoned. The problem wasn't that I was asking too much of them, but simply they couldn't stop asking of me. So it wasn't that my health issues were the problem, I wasn't asking too much of them. They left because they felt that they couldn't ask anything of me and therefore there was no reason to spend time with me. Saying it was for my own good is gaslighting (in my opinion).

I know that human interaction relies on the exchange of love and support. This exchange happens between friends, family, lovers, even co-workers. My colleagues have been very supportive, offering help, kind words, and hugs. My family has done what they can to help me through this difficult time.
But when I was vulnerable. When I admitted to someone that I needed them and why. When I was flailing and desperate, that is when they chose to pull back.

I don't like trusting people emotionally, because all to often, they just fuck you over and leave when you need them. I learned that from my father, my first husband, my second husband, a few different friends, family members and lovers and most recently with this so-called friend.

According to my therapist, this is the core of my problem, I refuse to engage in emotionally connected relationships. Well, of course I fucking do, why would anyone allow themselves to be vulnerable after repeatedly getting punished for it?

My mother has this problem, it's why she has few, if any friends, and lives with three cats. I am afraid to end up like that, but I certainly understand how she got there.

Just thinking about this situation has my heart racing, my stomach in knots and I feel fear and shame coursing through me. I can't imagine how I was stupid enough to trust this person, much less care about them. I can't change what happened, but I am damn sure I don't want to go through it again.

As for evidence that doesn't support this, I'll have to get back to you. I don't trust people easily and at the moment, I can't think of anyone I trust enough to counter what I allowed this person to take from me.

So, yeah, there is a lot of work for me to do here.

"I should be the one behind the wheel..."

Today I get to discuss changing environments. In order to change my thinking, I need to consider what things I can do differently. Dwelling on what was only exacerbates the bad thinking (so I'm told) so I have to consider what is (which I've done exhaustively) and what I can do going forward.

Dancing: I love to dance, I should never give it up. I allowed feeling responsible for somebody's emotions keep me from events I enjoyed. That has to stop. That said, I see no reason to put myself into situations where I have to deal with my feelings if they will interfere with my enjoyment. So, I will stick to dance venues that are not commonly frequented by my ex and his *ahem* friend. While I plan to attend some dance weekends, I believe I will skip the one I have attended with my ex.

I will work on my feelings so that I can attend dance events and work through my emotions, even if there are feelings or other distractions from enjoying dance.

Cycling: The rain and cycling alone is a bit of a downer. I think I will see about finding a spin class. While the exercise is different, it will put me on to a regular schedule and give my exercise regimen some structure.

Routines: I am not sure what to do about this one. I think this is going to take restructuring my perspective. I don't think finding someone to text with during the day like I did with my ex is a useful solution. I think I need to find better ways of connecting with people. Not that texting is a bad thing, but I don't want to have one person be my constant texting companion throughout the day. I think that I will instead find various ways of communicating throughout the day. One place to emphasize is making time to see my colleagues. I am avoiding them and I shouldn't. I will work on my feelings so that I can feel more comfortable spending time with my co-workers.

Focus:  I am blessed with some wonderful caring people in my life. It's easy for me to get caught up in what I don't have instead of seeing what I do have. If I feel like I have no friends, I only have to look for evidence to the contrary and it is readily available. Yes, one person chose to absent themselves from my life. It all right if I am pining, that's just part of the grieving process (as a friend kindly reminded me), but I can focus on the people who care about me instead of wasting energy on someone who isn't available.

So that's the overall plan. Now I just have to break it down into manageable parts.

"See yourself/ You are the steps you take..."

This is my last situational post. Where am I right now? What behaviors do I have to change?

This is a tough one. I am in the middle of a huge amount of flux. I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me and I am having trouble finding my balance. I am just so angry. This is not a positive post. I guess I'll post it anyway, because the road to mental wellness isn't always smooth and that sort of bullshit.

So my mood today: I am feeling thwarted and depressed. I am surviving hour to hour and to tell you all the truth it's bloody exhausting.

I know some of this is lack of sleep. The puppy woke up at 4am to go to the bathroom. She had trouble going back to sleep, so I had trouble going back to sleep. When I finally did fall asleep, I slept through my alarm and so it was a rush to get to work. I missed breakfast and lunch, because anger and pain have my stomach in such knots that I don't want to eat. I know that makes things worse, but I still don't know what to eat or how to make myself when I'm this nauseous. Then I feel bad, because I know I'm screwing up my blood sugar, which makes the emotions worse, and so I just cycle.

The problem is the huge hole in my heart and my soul. I know that sounds overly dramatic. It probably is. My therapist and I discussed this (and I have discussed it with others). I had my daughter at 22. I didn't have a chance to mature emotionally. I grew up fast because a baby requires it. I got a job, I paid the bills, I made sure she was taken care of. I made mistakes, I learned from them, I made more. I didn't think about things like emotional connections or forging bonds, I just needed to make sure I made it to payday with enough food on the table.

While it isn't the first time in my life that I have had a very emotional relationship, it's probably the first time that I have been forced by circumstances to slow down and look at things.

I hate it.

In some ways late December and early January weren't so bad. The depression and lethargy were all I could feel. I didn't want to do anything and I mostly just slept and watched television. I missed the relationship, but I didn't care.

Now I care, and still, there is no relationship.

It's easy to say "I decided that I could no longer have contact with Benjamin." It has been really hard to do. It's been over a month since we stopped seeing each other. I still look at my phone, expecting a text or e-mail. I still look at my weekend and think, "Oh hey, we could do that, or we should go there." In fact, now that I am feeling better, I want to make plans, I want to do things, I am finally to a place where I can be an active part of a relationship. But that relationship didn't survive. It ended while I was lethargic and sad, so it feels like I am being punished for having health issues.

I know that I shouldn't pine for someone who couldn't just stick by me during the bad stuff. I know that, why doesn't my heart?

I don't want to feel this way anymore. I am feeling better. I want to celebrate. I want to do things, get out, be myself again. Instead I look at my phone and snap my wrist because, "no, you can't text him." I think about going to a dance event and cross it off my calendar because he might be there and I can't stand the thought of going alone. I consider a hike, a bike ride, or other outdoor activity and realize I will have to do it alone, because I don't have friends to do those things with yet and I am not sure how to find them. I've been depressed a long time, reaching out to people isn't easy for me as it is, but now it feels like climbing a thorny wall.

I have these stupid books that tell me that I have to figure out my mood. I have to address my issues. I have to fix things. I know that in the long run, it will be better, that I will be better. My brain knows that.

When I woke up this morning, I wanted to say good morning to him. I heard something on the radio and I knew he would like it and I wanted to share it with him. I think that's the hardest thing. We broke up when I was an absolute physical and mental mess. Now I am in a place where I am starting to feel better and my brain hasn't completely caught up. My mind is desperate to resume the routines that were an important a part of my life for the past two years. Adjusting to a world without them has made an difficult path even more so.

Today I am angry. I am frustrated. I don't like this world. I don't want to be in it. It was easier when I didn't care, when all I wanted was to stay home and hide in bed. I am tired of saying to myself, "hey you didn't call or text him today, good job." like I am some sort of addict (even if that's what I am).

I just want this all to be over so I can get on with this new life, where I cycle, dance, eat healthy and only spend time with people who cared for me through the bad stuff and still care about me now. Why do I want someone who left me when I needed him? Why can't I just get over this? How am I supposed to do exercises and mood improvements in this state?

I feel like I was walking forward, but today I have taken a number of steps backwards. I don't care about books or getting better or working on myself. I just want life to make sense again.

I guess I will try again tomorrow.

"I want your drama /The touch of your hand"

Today we’re going to talk about codependency. As an ACA (adult child of an alcoholic, codependency is a fairly common outcome. I have often said that I don’t drink much, I have never really done drugs (a little pot, but it didn’t make me high.) My drug of choice is people.

I can't say how many times I have heard the song "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga. I thought it was about two people who were in an accepting relationship, willing to go to the dark places that we often hide. Hearing it yesterday, I realized that I think it describes a co-dependent relationship. I might be wrong, but I don't think I'll ever hear it the same way again.

“Have you really ever been single?” is a common question. The answer, is no, not really. I think that from 18 until now, I have never really had a time where I was absolutely and completely single.

“How do you do it? I can’t even find a decent person to date.”

“I have no standards.” is my usual joking reply.

During Dickens fair, a couple of friends commented about how I always seem to have this guy or that one in my life. But as we kept talking I noticed that my friends were talking about their hobbies and projects. They both noted that they would put their personal enrichment over dating someone.

I was stunned. Personal enrichment? Doing something I wanted, even if my partner wasn’t interested? I mean I guess I do that, I do Dickens Fair and my husband only visits once or twice a year. My husband doesn’t always attend dance events with me either. We have hobbies that we do apart. However when I started taking a good look at my relationships, I realized that I almost always put the other person first. Of course I am usually in a relationship, I make the other person's happiness my priority. It's not that I have no standards on the people I date (I have dated wonderful people) but since I always put them first, it's not a surpise I seem attractive.

Actually, I think I put everyone first, which makes sense. I have children, they are supposed to be a priority. But I also put nearly everyone first because that what was expected of me by my parents. I was supposed to drop everything when they asked me to do something. They were always more important than me. The beginnings of co-dependency started by the people who raised me.

Recently, I dated another person that I would assess as co-dependent. (I’m not a psychologist or mental health professional and I am very biased, so take that as you will.) However, looking at that relationship now, I am starting to see problems I  need to address. I am going to mention some of what I observed in this relationship both in my behaviors and in his. You have to realize that I am not a mind reader and I could be projecting. Still, I think this is a helpful exercise because it took being on the receiving end many of the behaviors to understand them in myself.

Symptoms of Co-Dependency:

• Shame and Low Self Esteem
• People Pleasing
• Poor Boundaries
• Reactivity
• Caretaking
• Control
• Dysfunctional Communication
• Obsessions
• Dependency
• Denial
• Problems with Intimacy
• Painful Emotions
• Being alone

Shame and Low Self Esteem: I think every child should hear how awesome they are. I think parents and teachers need to help children own their greatness. I don't mean participation medals, I mean when they do well, make a big deal out of it.

I was never good enough for my parents to offer me praise and encouragement. I could always swim faster, earn better grades, keep my room neater, etc. I will actively argue with people if they compliment me, not as a means of fishing, but because I can't believe an honest compliment. I am waiting to be told where I fall short.

When I do something wrong, I feel like the worst person on earth. No matter how many times people tell me that I'm human and thus not perfect, I think "I should have done better" and internalize that as deep shame.

Benjamin (because that's the person to whom I am referring) seems similar. He is a good looking man, but he had trouble seeing it. He has perfectly normal emotional needs and desires, but I have observed that he was often ashamed of asking for help or support.

People Pleasing: I want to make the people in my life happy. I want them to be happy with me. I will do extra work, cook a good dinner, buy favorite foods, dress in a certain way in order to make my partners happy. The idea of cooking what I like or dressing comfortably for myself rarely occurs to me.

One of the consistent complaints from Benjamin that he would try and lift my mood, he would spend hours texting with me to shake me out of a funk. When I wouldn't cheer up he would be upset and frustrated with me because he had failed to make me happy. Looking over many of our communications that is a common theme, Benjamin bemoaning the fact that he could not make me happy.

Poor Boundaries: I don't tell people no, even when I should. I am deeply afraid of hurting someone's feelings and will go out of my way to prevent conflict. It's been a huge problem.

Unlike me, Benjamin had some very rigid boundaries and would get angry when he felt they were violated. I fell that he could be absolutely inflexible.

Reactivity:  I will believe criticism from one person, even if 10 other people say something nice. I either become very defensive, or worse, I accept defeat and just assume that I am in the wrong. Benjamin told me similar things, reacting and assuming that he was wrong. I would get angry when he would do it, but I didn't see it in myself until recently.

Caretaking:  I want to fix everything for everyone. I feel bad when I have things that other people don't. I want to offer, to share, to give, even when I shouldn't. I tend to put others needs ahead of my own, to my own detriment.

Benjamin has two exes, each of whom would go off wandering late at night when they were upset. Even after they broke up, Benjamin would dutifully follow after them, worried about their safety. I understand where his heart was, but I think it was the same problem I have and just as detrimental to him. Watching him chase after his friends made me drop that as a behavioral mode and lose patience with it in other people.

Control: For a large part of our relationship, I allowed Benjamin to track my phone (and I could track his). It made him happy and there was a level of convenience to it. However that ended when I used his phone to check in on him and discovered he was, *ahem*, omitting details about his evening plans.

I am sure that I have my own control issues, but not this way. I think that I just assume I can have no control and never take any agency for myself, which is just as bad. As I said, I gave Benjamin the ability to track me, never having considered it before. He asked for it and I handed it over.

Dysfunctional Communication:
I looked back at an e-mail from about a year ago and I couldn't tell the difference between that message and ones we exchanged in the past couple of months.

Neither of us seems to know what we need or want, we just blamed the other for not providing it.

Dependency: I haven't really been single since I left high school. One relationship always flowed into another and then another. I thought this was successful dating.

I am hesitant to discuss this with regards to Benjamin, because I am hurt and upset. But I will mention it, because I am thinking it. We were introduced by his ex. He and his ex were "close friends". When I came along, he and his ex had some epic fights about how much time Benjamin was spending with me and how much he was neglecting his friendship with his ex.

While my problems with Ben go back to well over a year ago, the relationship didn't really fall apart until he found someone to replace me. I was offered the "friendship" option. I am ashamed at how similar our fights were to the ones he had with his ex a year ago.

Denial: I'm fine, I don't have any problems. What are you saying? I mean...um...yeah.

Thus I'm doing this exercise, as painful as it has been.

Problems with Intimacy: I have no problem with sex. I have huge problems with being vulnerable. I hate letting people into my emotional space.

I won't comment on Benjamin here, see above about dysfunctional communication.

Painful Emotions:
This is harder for me to codify, but mostly I can say that my relationships are either very quiet or rather volatile.



So I have identified a number of problems. Now is the time to start working on them.

The first action was to tell Benjamin that I couldn't play the friends game with him. The only thing worse than a codependent relationship, is a codependent relationship in denial. I saw what happened to Benjamin's ex, I was going along the same path. I decided that the only answer was to cut off contact completely. If we were willing to work together, I think that we could fix the relationship, but it would require work, individual therapy and perhaps couples therapy.

Obviously that hasn't happened (see above about denial), so while we are not both in individual therapy, there is nothing for me to do but establish my boundaries, take care of myself, and let Benjamin alone. He isn't my responsibility and as much as I might miss him, I know that it is the right thing to do.

But let me tell you, this whole co-dependency thing makes this whole situation a bitch to work through.

Calamity's Child

I don't have a way to make this private and that's for reasons. But I I am wondering about posting the link to facebook. Suggestions? Should I announce or not?

Today's assignment is "Understanding my Problems"

This is based on a 5 part model.

1. Environment/life changes/situations:

Environment:

I have already described some of my upbringing, but I will go into a bit more detail.

First the positive: I grew up in a home filled with music. Classical, comedy, surfing, psychedelic, and beyond, I was taught to love and appreciate music from a very young age. I was taught to take it apart, imagine how each track was laid out and arranged. Music is a visual and audible experience for me. I can imagine choreography, stories,  or lush visuals, depending on the music.

I also grew up in a home filled with books. The library was a weekly activity and I can't remember a time when there wasn't a book to read. I traveled to Narnia and Prydain. I flew in starships and explored the deep ocean. My parents encouraged me to read and happily discussed the books with me. I learned that books were history, story, human nature and all sorts of other things.

I was expected to be clever. Puns, analytical discussion, precise language and the proper use of narrative was encouraged from a young age. My parents were both linguists, so the weaving of words was always a part of my life. I always spoke like a little professor, using vocabulary beyond my age. I never understood why kids found vocabulary tests to be daunting, there was rarely a word I didn't know. If there was, hey, new word!

Now the negative: While never diagnosed, I would not be surprised if both my parents would be considered as high-functioning on the autistic spectrum. I know the word autism gets thrown around a lot, but neither my mother (who is still alive) and my father (who passed in 2011) understood social cues. I had trouble recognizing facial expressions well into elementary school because my parents never made really made them. I went to a special education class to learn how to interact with people. I am incredibly good at interpreting body language, but I have a lot of trouble looking people in the eye.

Social situations are difficult for me. I always feel like I am speaking a second language, missing some of the meaning and nuance, even if I understand the words. I have a long list of rules to follow when I am with a friend, partner, spouse, etc. It's exhausting, but that's how I learned to navigate my way through the world, by memorizing rules and sticking to them. This makes some of my definitions really inflexible. (I asked to be tested and I am not considered spectrum, since I can make the leaps, I just didn't learn it as a child.)

I rarely ask for things. Asking my parents for something usually resulted in a no. If I wanted something, it was this subtle dance, placing the hint at the right time, doing the right tasks, and making sure that whatever it was that I wanted was to their benefit, either directly or indirectly.

Life Changes:
I got my teaching credential in 2010. In the same year, my daughter started having issues at school and home. Things were so intense that I almost had to drop out. During my first year of teaching, there were still issues, so my career change was rather fraught. The next year (my second year of teaching) my father became very ill and passed away at the end of the first quarter. My relationship with him was never very good and his passing meant that our relationship could never be resolved.

In 2016, I was diagnosed with Type II diabetes. I also have severe thyroid issues that were not properly controlled. The result of the two made me emotional and very depressed. A relationship of nearly two years ended for many reasons, a contributing factor was the person felt overwhelmed by my issues and so they removed themselves from my life. I had established an emotional connection with them and I am still reeling from the loss. I am not taking the break up at all well, which makes me feel clingy, ashamed and broken.

Situations:
Social situations, parties, gatherings, being around people. Any sort of interpersonal relationship is difficult for me. The reason I love dancing are the rules. There are easy rules for me to follow. Ballroom, country, folk, it doesn't matter, so long as there are steps to learn and etiquette to follow. There are very few social situations that are as comfortable for me. Regrettably, even dancing has lost some of its joy, the previously mentioned relationship was also one of my dance partners. Its difficult to go to dance events and not have that connection. I have avoided most dance events because the idea of not waltzing with him is enough to make a dance event ridden with emotional land mines.

Physical reactions:
Elevated blood sugar, tired, crying, loss of appetite, malaise.

Moods:
depressed, sad, frustrated, hopeless

Behaviors:
I retreat and isolate myself.
I am a perfectionist.
I obsess over communications.

Thoughts:
I don't get out socially. I am hiding a lot these days, losing myself in media and other distractions.
My life is a series of "never good enough". My house is never clean enough, my children weren't raised the way they should have been. I can list all of my mistakes and imperfections, but to tell you something positive about me is like pulling teeth. This means that I don't like having people over or telling them about myself, afraid that they will judge me and find me wanting.

I obsess about my communication with other people. I obsess over e-mails and texts, reading them over and over again, to figure out meaning. I read too much into even the most mediocre note, doubt myself and find the worst case scenario for any given situation. Recently I just figure that everyone would be happier if I just didn't come out and trouble them, especially given my current emotional state.

I am always afraid that people don't like me, and it's hard for me to understand why people do enjoy my company.