In 2004, an ex-boyfriend, I'll call him Jack, was in an accident. He was put into the hospital due to his injuries and while he did recover, it took awhile.
I went to the hospital as soon as I heard. His girlfriend was by his side. He didn't need me there. So why did I show up? Why did I visit again with comic books? Why did I pick him up from the hospital?
Well some of it was practical. At the time I had a minivan, so taking Jack and his wheelchair home made the most sense. However, the reason I showed up in the first place is because I realized that I cared enough about him to be worried. I hated the idea that I would let the end of our relationship keep Jack out of my life. I showed up at the hospital because I realized that if he had died with our relationship in the state it was in, I would have been devastated. I brought the comic books because that was something that we shared.
It has been over 10 years since the accident. I hardly talk to him now and it's probably been over a year since we have seen each other. What happened to my moment of clarity? Just life.
That doesn't change that Jack has meant a great deal to me. I am married to the man that Jack told to go out with me. (My husband and I were introduced by a mutual friend, but it was Jack who told my husband to never let me slip away and told me the same of him.) Jack lives in a house that I encouraged him to buy. When my husband was in the hospital, Jack and his wife were the first people to visit him and offer me support.
I think that one reason that I don't worry about Jack is that I trust that he is where he wants to be. I miss him from time to time, but I suppose that one has to let relationship go if that's the natural course.
The reason for my nostalgia is because I saw Rent last night. I saw it differently, that living in fear is rather stupid when life is so uncertain. In the past year, I had the idea that there can be no tomorrow when it comes to relationships slammed home. A friend from high school, that I always meant to make time for, died in a car accident. Another friend is living day to day with cancer. As I get older, I am starting to see how much fear is holding me back and for what? As I get older "No Day but Today" rings loud and clear.
I know part of what I am doing with all this work is figuring out how to live outside of fear. But I can't get an objective feel for what I should do about Benjamin. I ran to Jack's bedside and admittedly, I did feel better. However, the relationship still faded. It faded due to circumstances and experience, I know better than to try and rekindle it. I don't think that's fear, I think that is me being realistic. There is no future relationship for Jack and me.
Last night, I really wished I could have shared Rent with Benjamin. We had discussed the play a number of times and I think that he would have been able to see the appeal of the story. He's only heard the soundtrack; last night reminded me why that is only 1/2 of the show. I think he would have understood the message. I don't know. It probably doesn't matter, because I am not sure it's my fear that drove us apart. Maybe it was his, or more likely, it's like what happened with Jack and me. Due to circumstance, the relationship has reached an end point and there's no rekindling it.
I just don't know if that's true, that the relationship is truly over, or if it's just fear. I am not even sure how I can know, because I am not even sure whose fear drove who away or if it was simply mutual.
No comments:
Post a Comment