Unfortunately, I found that very difficult to do and was often unsuccessful at restraining myself from asking too much of you. As this has resulted in severe outcomes for you, I have found it necessary to pull back until I found a safe distance." (reprinted without permission)
I have been going over this in my mind. I don't like sharing another's words without permission, but this excerpt embodies many of my fears, in fact it really epitomizes them. So I am going to take on this fear head on or at least try to.
Here's what I know: My mother expected a lot from me. I was expected to clean the house, cook, take care of her morning routine. It was my job to make the coffee and have it ready before she woke up. I was expected to have dinner ready when she finished her second job. It was just my mother and me and she worked two jobs, so it fell to me to play homemaker. I didn't get to really participate in after school activities or see my friends because it was expected that I would go home and be a housewife. My mother has four younger brothers, so she had been raised with similar expectations. I don't think it even occurred to my her that I would resent her expectations until I went to live with my dad for a year.
I was raised that I was only as good as what I could do for people, specifically my parents. If I wasn't contributing, I was lazy and selfish.
I have taken that into adulthood. My life is like a big tally sheet. I give a lot to people. I expect a lot in return. I try not to, but I have to admit, I keep score. In the case of this person whose writing I am sharing, I feel I gave them a lot more than they gave me. In fact, I used words like abandon to describe their behavior. The excerpt isn't meant to be representative of all the communication this person and I have had. It's just meant to show my triggers, because they are in there.
"You have been very explicit that you are unable to provide meaningful support while you work through your health issues."
This was really hard for me to do. My upbringing always implied that I was only as good as what I could offer to a person. I thought of this person as someone I could count on. I told them honestly that while I dealt with my health issues, I could not be the most supportive friend. I thought this was being openly communicative. I thought I was doing a good thing. And their response: "I...was often unsuccessful at restraining myself from asking too much of you. [...] I have found it necessary to pull back until I found a safe distance."
Now this is where I am troubled. This seemed very reasonable when I first received this message. They were expressing their needs. But then my tally sheet kicked in and I became incredibly angry. I couldn't (and still don't) understand why this person chose to pull back at this time. On the one hand, I appreciate their honesty. On the other hand, it triggered every fear I have. I'm deeply afraid that if I stop giving to people, they will go away. I believe that when I am in need, I will get abandoned. The problem wasn't that I was asking too much of them, but simply they couldn't stop asking of me. So it wasn't that my health issues were the problem, I wasn't asking too much of them. They left because they felt that they couldn't ask anything of me and therefore there was no reason to spend time with me. Saying it was for my own good is gaslighting (in my opinion).
I know that human interaction relies on the exchange of love and support. This exchange happens between friends, family, lovers, even co-workers. My colleagues have been very supportive, offering help, kind words, and hugs. My family has done what they can to help me through this difficult time.
But when I was vulnerable. When I admitted to someone that I needed them and why. When I was flailing and desperate, that is when they chose to pull back.
I don't like trusting people emotionally, because all to often, they just fuck you over and leave when you need them. I learned that from my father, my first husband, my second husband, a few different friends, family members and lovers and most recently with this so-called friend.
According to my therapist, this is the core of my problem, I refuse to engage in emotionally connected relationships. Well, of course I fucking do, why would anyone allow themselves to be vulnerable after repeatedly getting punished for it?
My mother has this problem, it's why she has few, if any friends, and lives with three cats. I am afraid to end up like that, but I certainly understand how she got there.
Just thinking about this situation has my heart racing, my stomach in knots and I feel fear and shame coursing through me. I can't imagine how I was stupid enough to trust this person, much less care about them. I can't change what happened, but I am damn sure I don't want to go through it again.
As for evidence that doesn't support this, I'll have to get back to you. I don't trust people easily and at the moment, I can't think of anyone I trust enough to counter what I allowed this person to take from me.
So, yeah, there is a lot of work for me to do here.
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