Blue Plate Specials

I had planned to start in on the book Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair. I still have stuff left to do in the Mind over Mood book, but for a while it's going to be repeating the exercises, which is important but won't make for very interesting blogging.

I am not going to do so today. Maybe tomorrow.

A while ago, a man I dated described people as blue plate specials. People are a package deal, you don't get to choose what things you want from them, you either get the whole person or you don't get them at all. I have always liked this metaphor.

This is also really difficult for me. I want people to like me. I want to be the Rachel that they will like. I have been told that this is typical for ACAs. It's incredibly difficult for me to advocate for myself.

I tend to overthink, to worry, to over analyze. I read every e-mail I send over and over again, even after I send them. I agonize over every word in a conversation. It can be exhausting.  I am afraid if I say what I really think and feel, I will offend people. I am afraid that they will go away and abandon me. This is also a huge problem for ACAs.    

Part of this learning process is to stop trying to make people happy by being anything other than who I am. I am a package deal and if people don't like me as I am, I move on to the next person. It's not a reflection on me, it just means we are not compatible.

That is so fucking easy to write.

Today I stated, as clearly as I knew how, that I was a blue plate special. I read that someone wanted one part of me, but was not interested in the other. That's an acceptable position, but I had to apologize and tell them that they take all of me or nothing.  It was one of the hardest e-mails I have written. I tried not to spend too much time with it. I tried not to agonize over it. I am asking for what I think I need. If they say no, then it's not personal, it's just reality.

And the same is true for them. They are telling me what their blue plate special consists of and I can either accept it or not. 

But I am worried, I am agonizing, I am anxious. I shouldn't be. If this person doesn't want me as I am, someone else will. I can believe that. I will believe that. If I don't want them as they are, that's okay too. That's just the way it goes sometimes.

I don't have a song today. I can't figure out quite how I feel and the person responded so I have an e-mail to look at.