This is a tough one. I am in the middle of a huge amount of flux. I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me and I am having trouble finding my balance. I am just so angry. This is not a positive post. I guess I'll post it anyway, because the road to mental wellness isn't always smooth and that sort of bullshit.
So my mood today: I am feeling thwarted and depressed. I am surviving hour to hour and to tell you all the truth it's bloody exhausting.
I know some of this is lack of sleep. The puppy woke up at 4am to go to the bathroom. She had trouble going back to sleep, so I had trouble going back to sleep. When I finally did fall asleep, I slept through my alarm and so it was a rush to get to work. I missed breakfast and lunch, because anger and pain have my stomach in such knots that I don't want to eat. I know that makes things worse, but I still don't know what to eat or how to make myself when I'm this nauseous. Then I feel bad, because I know I'm screwing up my blood sugar, which makes the emotions worse, and so I just cycle.
The problem is the huge hole in my heart and my soul. I know that sounds overly dramatic. It probably is. My therapist and I discussed this (and I have discussed it with others). I had my daughter at 22. I didn't have a chance to mature emotionally. I grew up fast because a baby requires it. I got a job, I paid the bills, I made sure she was taken care of. I made mistakes, I learned from them, I made more. I didn't think about things like emotional connections or forging bonds, I just needed to make sure I made it to payday with enough food on the table.
While it isn't the first time in my life that I have had a very emotional relationship, it's probably the first time that I have been forced by circumstances to slow down and look at things.
I hate it.
In some ways late December and early January weren't so bad. The depression and lethargy were all I could feel. I didn't want to do anything and I mostly just slept and watched television. I missed the relationship, but I didn't care.
Now I care, and still, there is no relationship.
It's easy to say "I decided that I could no longer have contact with Benjamin." It has been really hard to do. It's been over a month since we stopped seeing each other. I still look at my phone, expecting a text or e-mail. I still look at my weekend and think, "Oh hey, we could do that, or we should go there." In fact, now that I am feeling better, I want to make plans, I want to do things, I am finally to a place where I can be an active part of a relationship. But that relationship didn't survive. It ended while I was lethargic and sad, so it feels like I am being punished for having health issues.
I know that I shouldn't pine for someone who couldn't just stick by me during the bad stuff. I know that, why doesn't my heart?
I don't want to feel this way anymore. I am feeling better. I want to celebrate. I want to do things, get out, be myself again. Instead I look at my phone and snap my wrist because, "no, you can't text him." I think about going to a dance event and cross it off my calendar because he might be there and I can't stand the thought of going alone. I consider a hike, a bike ride, or other outdoor activity and realize I will have to do it alone, because I don't have friends to do those things with yet and I am not sure how to find them. I've been depressed a long time, reaching out to people isn't easy for me as it is, but now it feels like climbing a thorny wall.
I have these stupid books that tell me that I have to figure out my mood. I have to address my issues. I have to fix things. I know that in the long run, it will be better, that I will be better. My brain knows that.
When I woke up this morning, I wanted to say good morning to him. I heard something on the radio and I knew he would like it and I wanted to share it with him. I think that's the hardest thing. We broke up when I was an absolute physical and mental mess. Now I am in a place where I am starting to feel better and my brain hasn't completely caught up. My mind is desperate to resume the routines that were an important a part of my life for the past two years. Adjusting to a world without them has made an difficult path even more so.
Today I am angry. I am frustrated. I don't like this world. I don't want to be in it. It was easier when I didn't care, when all I wanted was to stay home and hide in bed. I am tired of saying to myself, "hey you didn't call or text him today, good job." like I am some sort of addict (even if that's what I am).
I just want this all to be over so I can get on with this new life, where I cycle, dance, eat healthy and only spend time with people who cared for me through the bad stuff and still care about me now. Why do I want someone who left me when I needed him? Why can't I just get over this? How am I supposed to do exercises and mood improvements in this state?
I feel like I was walking forward, but today I have taken a number of steps backwards. I don't care about books or getting better or working on myself. I just want life to make sense again.
I guess I will try again tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment