"Where I am is no limit, no walls, no ceilings..."

Yes, I am whining about my ex, but I'm whining with purpose!

Last night was I was sitting at home, depressed and fussed. "Aha," says I, "This is a great time to do one of my nifty thought exercises. Because that would be healthy and responsible!"

Okay, maybe a friend kicked my ass while we were chatting. Still, the thought experiment was performed.

1. Situation:

At home, Friday night, left to my own devices. (I chose this, I am spending the weekend with family, I wanted a night at home, to myself.)

2. Moods

Depressed - 40%
Worthless - 20%
Sad - 30%
Angry - 10%

3. Automatic Thoughts

I want to talk to Benjamin
He didn't love me.
I'm unworthy of love
I am so pathetic. (hot thought)

4. Evidence that supports the hot thought

I am still thinking about him
I miss him
I should know better
He doesn't want me anyway
I can't even tell anyone because then they will know how pathetic I am.

5. Evidence that does not support the hot thought
 It was a two year relationship, give it time.
I was social yesterday and had a good time
Lots of people care about me
I am getting better.

6. Alternative/Balanced Thoughts

I don't think that the book really suggests doing an internet search, but I did. I don't remember what I googled, but this quote by Eliza Engellenner came up. It was just what I needed. So I am using it as my alternative thought, even though it isn't mine.

 “He may still love you. He probably does. He probably doesn’t know what he wants. He probably still thinks about you all the time. But that isn’t what matters. What matters is what he’s doing about it, and what he’s doing about it is nothing. And if he’s doing nothing, you most certainly shouldn’t do anything. You need someone who goes out of their way to make it obvious that they want you in their life.”

7. Rate Mood Now
Depressed - 20%
Worthless - 0%
Sad - 40%
Angry - 0%


It doesn't matter if it's my fault or Benjamin's fault; if he really did something wrong or because my brain is so screwed up that I couldn't see that I mattered to him as much as he said. It was actions When I related the situation to my ass kicking friend last night they said "if you truly felt that he wanted you in his life, you wouldn't have wanted to walk away."

So I am still sad. I was still depressed last night, but the anger and the feelings of worthlessness faded away. Just before bed, I found out that a different person did something relatively small, it wasn't even directed at me, but it made it obvious that they want me in their life. I was all aflutter. I couldn't even articulate how much it meant to me. I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by affection and love, that is the thing that makes me feel like I am wanted in someone's life.

I have thought of texting Benjamin nearly everyday. It was our most constant form of contact and even after weeks of inconsistent messaging, I still look at my phone, wishing I could break the silence and just say, "hi".

But then I remember why I stopped contacting him and asked him to stop contacting me. The consistent message I received from Benjamin was that he would only talk to me if...

• I don't discuss the past few months
• I don't rehash old fights
• I don't ask him for support
• I don't ...
• I don't ...
• I don't ...

 I don't know if Engellener's quote is true for Benjamin. It doesn't matter. When I think about talking to him, I don't feel acceptance and love. I don't feel overwhelmed. I feel blocked. I feel the wall. As long as I look back and only see the wall, there's no reason to keep trying. People don't hear clear messages through walls. I can't tear down the wall. I can only shake my head with regret and walk away. It doesn't matter what might be going on behind the wall, I don't see it.

So I'm going to try and picture that wall any time I think of contacting Benjamin. I don't have to do anything else. Walls block communication, so even if I say, "hi" or anything else, he won't hear me.

If Benjamin wants me in his life, he will have to take the action. And I still won't have to do anything, unless I feel overwhelmed with affection and love. I took a mental snapshot of that feeling last night. It's not any big, grand gesture. It's just having someone show you that they accept you, proverbial warts and all.

It was a matter of feeling truly heard. Damn that's a good feeling!