The social anxiety isn't too bad. I'm not really hustling for partners, but some of that is just reminding myself that I shouldn't overdo it. I'm sitting right now, waiting for the Advil to kick in.
This is when the brain weasels come out to play. While I did a little contra dancing before meeting Benjamin, he was the one who got me into it. I gave it up for a bit when things between us started going south. I should have known that I was unhappy in the relationship when I didn't want to dance.
I'm really glad I'm here, but I'm missing Benjamin even more than I anticipated. I found myself thinking, "it wasn't that bad. Tell him what he wants to hear and you can dance with him again. It's what you both want."
No Rachel. You would be lying. Stating directly and clearly what you want in the relationship is how to make communication easy. You said what you wanted, Benjamin said your request was unreasonable and mandating the relationship. That marks the end of the conversation. 50+ bloody days of someone tell you that he doesn't want to fuck you should be sufficient. He said it's Friendship or no ship, with a side of perhaps.
I still miss the asshole.
I'm taking a rest. I'm eating. I'm processing quietly. I'm not going to contact Benjamin. That's unfair to him, since my last message essentially told him where to stuff himself. He's not going to contact me, same reason.
I'll try getting up and dancing soon and if that doesn't help, I'll take a walk. Take that weasels!
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