"It's a house of your making..."

I was talking to a friend yesterday and we were discussing relationships vs. friendships. The reason for all of this musing is my codependency book, which talked about defining boundaries for relationships with family, friends, and romantic partners.

I have a friend, I'll call him Scott. I have known him for years. We dance together, we hang out sometimes, we've hosted parties together. He has a wicked sense of humor and is the most loyal friend in the world. We have never been romantically involved and I sincerely doubt we ever will. I trust him implicitly. Scott doesn't rely on me and if I decline to see him, he spends time with his other friends. I don't take that as a judgement, either I am available or I am not. There is an emotional line that we've never explored. I think I could emotionally rely on him in a pinch, but he isn't someone I would turn to automatically.

I have a relationship with Scott, we are friends. I see him maybe once a month. We text occasionally and have a number of hobbies in common. There are clearly defined boundaries and lines to our relationship. It is comfortable for me and as I have gotten to know him, I truly appreciate having him in my life and I believe he feels the same.

A romantic relationship, for me, is much different. A romantic relationship usually requires a greater level of intimacy and support. As the intimacy deepens, so does the connection. I usually find that deeper connection through a more physical relationship. I have some friends with whom I am especially close and while we aren't sexually intimate, there is a significant physical component to our relationship. Sex isn't a requirement for an intimate relationship, but it helps.

While friends can betray each other, I don't think there is (usually) the same potential for harm. If Scott were to start a romantic relationship and not tell me about it, I might be a little miffed, but honestly I would just be happy for him and it wouldn't change my overall feeling about him or our friendship. However, if a romantic partner started a relationship with someone and neglected to tell me about it, I would consider that akin to cheating. In my version of polyamory, communication about a new relationship is very important. If a person fails to do so, they have broken my trust and that is not so easily restored.

I am friends with a number of my former romantic partners, but there has to be a cooling off period for me. I found that if I don't enforce that, I would get all the verbiage of friendship, but the love, support, and emotional intimacy of a romantic partner was still expected, just without the return. The worst case scenario I've see is when that sort of "friendship" is continued, even though it is doing grievous harm to one person while the other benefits. One friend maintained a fairly close friendship with her ex. They even spent overnights together (but they were still just friends). That worked for her ex until he found another romantic partner, at which point he cut my friend off and mostly pretended like she didn't exist.  (Thankfully she bounced back and has found a much better relationship.)

The book mostly suggests that people with codependent tendencies avoid returning to romantic relationships after they have ended. However, if one is going to go against the author's advice, they stated that the intentions of the relationship should be firmly established between all involved. If its a friendship, there should be a waiting period. If the two people are going to continue a romantic involvement, then the most important thing to reestablish is trust and communication. The reason is so that the codependent can take some agency in the relationship. Instead of hoping that they will get the support that they need, they can should ask for it directly.

The unwillingness to give a direct answer (and deal with the repercussions of the answer) is typical of codependent relationships. The book had an excellent suggestion when that sort of pushback is the result of a direct request. Walk away and don't look back.

I am allowed to determine what I will and will not accept in a relationship. If someone doesn't like my expectations, they have the option to not be in a relationship with me. It was a request, not an invitation to negotiate.

(Compromise is a necessary and good thing in any relationship, don't get me wrong. "Yes, and" or "No, but" are perfectly reasonable answers. But when compromise is used as a way to keep a person around without committing to the relationship, it's manipulation and rather cruel. )

Today's song was easy.