Calamity's Child

I don't have a way to make this private and that's for reasons. But I I am wondering about posting the link to facebook. Suggestions? Should I announce or not?

Today's assignment is "Understanding my Problems"

This is based on a 5 part model.

1. Environment/life changes/situations:

Environment:

I have already described some of my upbringing, but I will go into a bit more detail.

First the positive: I grew up in a home filled with music. Classical, comedy, surfing, psychedelic, and beyond, I was taught to love and appreciate music from a very young age. I was taught to take it apart, imagine how each track was laid out and arranged. Music is a visual and audible experience for me. I can imagine choreography, stories,  or lush visuals, depending on the music.

I also grew up in a home filled with books. The library was a weekly activity and I can't remember a time when there wasn't a book to read. I traveled to Narnia and Prydain. I flew in starships and explored the deep ocean. My parents encouraged me to read and happily discussed the books with me. I learned that books were history, story, human nature and all sorts of other things.

I was expected to be clever. Puns, analytical discussion, precise language and the proper use of narrative was encouraged from a young age. My parents were both linguists, so the weaving of words was always a part of my life. I always spoke like a little professor, using vocabulary beyond my age. I never understood why kids found vocabulary tests to be daunting, there was rarely a word I didn't know. If there was, hey, new word!

Now the negative: While never diagnosed, I would not be surprised if both my parents would be considered as high-functioning on the autistic spectrum. I know the word autism gets thrown around a lot, but neither my mother (who is still alive) and my father (who passed in 2011) understood social cues. I had trouble recognizing facial expressions well into elementary school because my parents never made really made them. I went to a special education class to learn how to interact with people. I am incredibly good at interpreting body language, but I have a lot of trouble looking people in the eye.

Social situations are difficult for me. I always feel like I am speaking a second language, missing some of the meaning and nuance, even if I understand the words. I have a long list of rules to follow when I am with a friend, partner, spouse, etc. It's exhausting, but that's how I learned to navigate my way through the world, by memorizing rules and sticking to them. This makes some of my definitions really inflexible. (I asked to be tested and I am not considered spectrum, since I can make the leaps, I just didn't learn it as a child.)

I rarely ask for things. Asking my parents for something usually resulted in a no. If I wanted something, it was this subtle dance, placing the hint at the right time, doing the right tasks, and making sure that whatever it was that I wanted was to their benefit, either directly or indirectly.

Life Changes:
I got my teaching credential in 2010. In the same year, my daughter started having issues at school and home. Things were so intense that I almost had to drop out. During my first year of teaching, there were still issues, so my career change was rather fraught. The next year (my second year of teaching) my father became very ill and passed away at the end of the first quarter. My relationship with him was never very good and his passing meant that our relationship could never be resolved.

In 2016, I was diagnosed with Type II diabetes. I also have severe thyroid issues that were not properly controlled. The result of the two made me emotional and very depressed. A relationship of nearly two years ended for many reasons, a contributing factor was the person felt overwhelmed by my issues and so they removed themselves from my life. I had established an emotional connection with them and I am still reeling from the loss. I am not taking the break up at all well, which makes me feel clingy, ashamed and broken.

Situations:
Social situations, parties, gatherings, being around people. Any sort of interpersonal relationship is difficult for me. The reason I love dancing are the rules. There are easy rules for me to follow. Ballroom, country, folk, it doesn't matter, so long as there are steps to learn and etiquette to follow. There are very few social situations that are as comfortable for me. Regrettably, even dancing has lost some of its joy, the previously mentioned relationship was also one of my dance partners. Its difficult to go to dance events and not have that connection. I have avoided most dance events because the idea of not waltzing with him is enough to make a dance event ridden with emotional land mines.

Physical reactions:
Elevated blood sugar, tired, crying, loss of appetite, malaise.

Moods:
depressed, sad, frustrated, hopeless

Behaviors:
I retreat and isolate myself.
I am a perfectionist.
I obsess over communications.

Thoughts:
I don't get out socially. I am hiding a lot these days, losing myself in media and other distractions.
My life is a series of "never good enough". My house is never clean enough, my children weren't raised the way they should have been. I can list all of my mistakes and imperfections, but to tell you something positive about me is like pulling teeth. This means that I don't like having people over or telling them about myself, afraid that they will judge me and find me wanting.

I obsess about my communication with other people. I obsess over e-mails and texts, reading them over and over again, to figure out meaning. I read too much into even the most mediocre note, doubt myself and find the worst case scenario for any given situation. Recently I just figure that everyone would be happier if I just didn't come out and trouble them, especially given my current emotional state.

I am always afraid that people don't like me, and it's hard for me to understand why people do enjoy my company.