"...the questions run too deep..."

Depression might have a purpose. If you want to skip the article, my takeaway is that depression encourages the brain to go into a period of rumination, allowing a person to figure out.the things that are hurting them and resolving said issues.

I feel so much better now! (That's sarcasm, by the way) I suppose I should be glad that there is a reason that I have been able to do all this processing. I'll be better in the long run and all those sorts of platitudes.

My husband doesn't read my blog. I tell him some of the highlights, because it is good to also talk about this stuff and I figure telling my partner about my journey is good communication. I mentioned asking my ex for some feedback about emotional connections and my husband thought it was a really bad idea.

Now I knew that I was waffling, so while I have ruminated about whether or not I should talk to my ex, I haven't actually contacted him. I have kept my promise to myself; it has been about 10 days since I have communicated with him. There was a good reason for that decision, talking to him always results in an emotional upset for me, which my husband gets to deal with. My husband is rather sick and tired of dealing with these emotional upsets.

I realized that I haven't had significant dealings with my ex in over six weeks. I also realized that any emotional connections we might have had ended in September. So I would be asking for data from over five months ago. My ex is not known for having a great memory. I don't need to talk to him, because the answer is likely to be, "I don't remember." The other likely answer is, "Well, given how much fighting we did over the past six months, I don't know."

Yay for logic, there is no good reason for me to contact my ex. I suppose that is an important realization. Just because I have figured out things and feel differently doesn't change the fact that we broke up for very good reasons. It doesn't change the fact that I stopped talking to him for very good reasons.

I am writing this out, as embarrassing as it is, because I have to remind myself that I missed this lesson as I supposedly grew up and matured. While I have had emotional break-ups in the past, I think the one I had when I was 20 was when I learned that when you break up with someone you leave. You walk away, you don't look back. There have been two exceptions, this most recent relationship and my relationship with Jack.

So, that's the next thought experiment I get to go through, what is it about those relationships that makes me so stupid? What is it about those relationships that causes me to linger in the sidelines hoping that there will be another play when the game is clearly over?

Things were volatile over the past few months so I kept unfriending my ex on social media. Then we would make-up and I would refriend him. This happened so many times that I couldn't remember what the status was. When I cut off all contact, I didn't think that we were still connected. I realized yesterday that we still are. So, it is possible that my ex is reading this blog. (For that matter, Jack could be reading it too, but that is far less likely.)

So there is another place where I am just not letting go. On the other hand, even if I unfriend him now, it's not like I can lock up this blog. If he wants to read it, well, fine. It's not like there is a way I can tell if he, or anyone else, is reading it unless they comment.

I am going to poke at my reluctance a bit, although I don't want to dwell. I want to just walk away. That is what is best. I have to keep reminding myself that the relationship is over. I didn't choose to end it. My ex made a series of choices, each one pushed our relationship apart. I had a series of reactions, each reaction pushed us even further apart. Where there was a relationship, there is only a deep emotional chasm. Walking back toward my ex means falling into that chasm. When I tried to discuss the issues with my ex, he became angry at me and told me that my emotional reactions were rehashing old fights. He told me that we shouldn't talk for a few months until I could be reasonable. (That might sound rather familiar, thus my reaction to run away and hide.)

Or if he didn't say that, it's still how I interpreted it, which is really all that matters, since my ex isn't around to correct my impression.

So, there's my answer. No contact is the right choice. I am going to move forward. I went on a date on Saturday. I have another date tomorrow. I am going to dance events. I am pursuing my hobbies. I am going to fake it until I make it.