Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps

A couple of weeks ago, I was at a dance event. My daughter and I ended up leading a country dance set. The band was too loud to call over, so my daughter and I opened up our personalities and made ourselves as big as possible to help our group do the dance. It was silly and awesome fun. I really don't do that often enough.

I was discussing it with a friend and they asked me why not? Why don't I let my charisma and intensity out of the box? Why do I keep it bottled up? My answer was typical of an ACA. What if people don't like me?

I liked their comment. "What if everybody did like you? Wouldn't that be just as bad?" I hadn't ever thought of it that way.

I have been receiving a lot of encouragement from people, some I have known a long time and some I have only known for a brief period, to stop living in fear of offending people. I remember Jack used to tell me that if I would stop living in fear, I had the charisma to take over the world. I imagine he was exaggerating, but I take his point.

So that's my overall goal, to pull apart the things that make me fearful of offending people and determine how much of that is rooted to my issues as a survivor. I never thought of myself as someone who dealt with PTSD, but the more I read about Adult Children of Alcoholics, the more I understand that I have a very skewed view of the environments I inhabit.

Yesterday I got into a discussion with Benjamin. (I would be vague, but you are all smart enough to figure it out, so I am calling a spade, a spade.) I know, I know what I said about not talking. I had hoped that if given the opportunity that maybe we could figure something out. I certainly did. I may have misunderstood what he meant, but I think I understand why I can't figure out our shit.

Going back to being an ACA: When our personal world and the relationships within it become very unpredictable or unreliable, we may experience a loss of trust and faith in both relationships and in life’s ability to repair and renew itself. This is why the restoration of hope is so important in recovery. 

I am very fortunate to have a primary relationship that I can depend upon. It has been essential to my recovery on many occasions and has given me the strength to start this process of self actualization, which sounds so hippie, I want to shoot myself. But I know that this is good stuff, however it is sometimes painful and has been challenging. But isn't anything worthwhile?

A few months ago, I would have said the same about my relationship with Benjamin. I usually hold something back in my relationships. I am constantly living in fear that things will go wrong. And I had that fear with Benjamin. My fears caused problems, but as we worked through obstacles and challenges, I began to trust and invest more and more of myself. I would say that I was all in. (My perspective is biased, but who else can I ask?)

Last August/September our relationship became unreliable and I reacted like any ACA would, I emotionally constricted. I went back to old ways of relating to people and I found it very hard to trust Benjamin. I became so dysfunctional that I finally saw no choice but to leave.

We have tried to repair things, but faith and, more importantly, hope is essential to me. Whenever I talk to Benjamin about putting our relationship back together, I feel there is always a caveat. I feel like his answer is always, "perhaps". After everything I invested of myself into that relationship, a dismissive perhaps hurts my heart.

This was my feeling as I walked to a coffee date last night. I am glad that I had a few blocks to clear my head, so when I finally sat down, I was able to focus on the person in front of me and leave my frustration with Benjamin at the door.

It was one of the best damn first dates I have ever had. We clicked. That look I described a few days ago? Yeah, that happened in about the first 20 minutes and what a lovely soul to view. The more we talked, the more we clicked. It wasn't the "we have so much in common" thing, although there was some of that.

No it was the feeling of being accepted for exactly who and what I am. (We were finishing each others sentences for fuck's sake.) There were no reservations. I didn't feel like I had to hold back. My date never said, "perhaps" He told me after I got home that he didn't want me to come home with him last night, because then it might have just been a one-off thing. (Hey, I did say we clicked.) He said that he wants to get to know me so that there are many nights. *melt*

After months of only hearing "perhaps", an enthusiastic "yes" was water in a drought.  Benjamin is a wonderful person and I do miss spending time with him. But I realized that if he can't say yes, then why should I? I have so many people who want to tell me yes, I just haven't been paying attention. Last night opened my eyes and I decided that I am just done with "perhaps".