"We gave hospitality to the pain"

In the continuing series of Rachel figures out things that everyone else seems to know, I realized that communication is only as hard as you let it be.

I had a very enjoyable dinner with a new friend. He stated, "You must communicate this directly to ride this ride." It was charming and the rest of the conversation consisted of him modeling the style of communication that worked for him. It was remarkable. He made it very clear that he said what he means and means what he says. I found it easy to follow and mirror. I also found that it's not a bad way to do things.

I tried this idea of just being myself, not trying to be the "Rachel I think he wants". I told him things that I normally wouldn't share on a second date. While I didn't tell him about this blog, I did tell him about my process over the past few months and how direct communication was sometimes difficult for me and why.

He asked the exact right questions about how I was feeling. (He's a lawyer and has some tricks that I so need to learn for getting people to spill.) I told him that I felt like I should just leave; I felt too broken and raw to be on a date. He just smiled and told me that I was just human and he appreciated my direct honesty and was glad to hear about my journey. It was a lovely and enlightening evening. I look forward to seeing him again and what is fantastic is that I am aware that he feels the same way about seeing me.

There was one of those e-mails waiting for me when I finally looked at my phone (in response to one of those e-mails I had sent). I didn't read it until I got home, but left it to answer later. It was convoluted and went over the same points that this person and I had been arguing over for months. I went to sleep and Connie (my puppy) woke me up at 3am. Apparently she also woke up my brain weasels.

I couldn't sleep, so I wrote out a long and detailed reply, countering arguments, making points and generally trying to prove that I am right. I wrote the exact same e-mail I have probably written 30 times already. The weasels weren't satisfied, so I ended up saving the e-mail that went into all the arguments into my drafts folder.

Then I scrapped the entire message. I tried to write something blunt and direct, because all I really want is just an apology and closure. Since my very polite "I think we should just agree that this isn't going to resolve" didn't seem to be understood, I made my two most important arguments (both of which are newish) and closed with a "Goodbye". I sent it off, had a good cry and managed to get a bit more sleep, the weasels seemingly satisfied.

I am not proud of that e-mail. I realize I don't want to send or read anymore of those e-mails. I won't say I never will again, but I think I am going to adopt a policy that if I am having to write emotionally volatile e-mails or I am receiving them, I am going to stop engaging. If anything needs to be communicated, it can be done directly or not at all. I am so done with emotional bullshit just because I want a damn apology and a chance to try again.

I know that emotional bullshit isn't done with me. I tend toward passive aggressive and have a lot of things to work on with regards to communication. But it was nice to know that not only are there people who are giving me an enthusiastic "yes" to my requests, but that there are people willing to model a direct form of communication that will, ideally, eliminate the need for those sorts of e-mails.