Yesterday was fun, although not quite as splendid as last weekend. There is a guy in the other casts that's just too fun to play with, yesterday was his first day of fair. He took to it like a duck to water. Another guy, in the same cast, asked me to tie him up on Sunday, so I am planning what to do to him.
LT came back from his holiday with family and the first thing he did was send me a picture of him in a black leather harness. He was looking for my approval. I am not sure if I am up to dating a sub, but it is a very pretty picture. The funny thing is that while I did find it attractive and sexy, I could see a number of people seeing the flaws. What can I say, I like my Jack Sprats.
I believe that yesterday was the first time since 2015 that I didn't have to directly deal with repercussions of having dated DA while being at fair. It was nice.
"But Rachel," you might be saying, "how stressful does it have to be when your ex has explicitly told you that they don't want to be friends. It's easy, just ignore them." Well, imaginary person, I wish it were that easy for me.
I know that I can be petty and vindictive. I am not sure if I am better or worse than anyone else, but it's not a quality I am proud of. What I have been learning is that nothing brings out my petty and vindictive side as much as arbitrary rules where I am expected to be "the good one" and if I ask for my needs to be met, I am selfish.
I don't care if DA does or does not want to be friends. What I care about is how his choices interfere with the enjoyment of activities I did long before I met him. He chose to pursue a hobby I introduced him to. Fine, I have to deal with him being there, but why is it so much to ask that we have a working relationship? I would have accepted that we weren't friends, but acted like people who were in the same social group, because we are. My choices seem to be animosity and not talking to each other or being a doormat anytime he needed someone to do something for him. It takes emotional labor to maintain a hard boundary like that.
I don't think I realized how frustrated I found the situation until I got a day off from dealing with him. It seems that I will get the rest of the weekend off, since he is away for the weekend. I am waffling on going to fair today, but another day like yesterday, where I can walk around without having to navigate the awkwardness is too good to pass up. I should be very clear, I have barely seen or interacted with DA this year; we have avoided each other. This is a me problem, not a DA problem. I know he is at fair and I am afraid of what he will do. The petty slights, the alleged stalking, and just having to avoid him is tiresome.
I suppose the other thing (and again a me thing, not a DA thing) is that I want to know why. I want to know why our relationship went from troubled, to toxic, to we can never be friends when I did my best to back off after our break up and give him plenty of space. I suppose DA could say, "But her emails..." but he hasn't even said that much. I feel that "the emails" didn't start until every other outlet was taken from me. I imagine that DA would say differently and be able to show how evil I am. A friend put it best when they said that an honest conversation with DA is impossible because he can't even be honest with himself. I suppose it could be worse, most of our mutual friends (which is like three people) have told me that he is being stupid and that he should just fucking grow a pair (of ovaries or gonads, we won't judge) and talk to me.
I am trying not to talk about him with my friends, but I feel like I am failing. I don't want to make people uncomfortable and I feel like I do every time I bring him up. I hate that I am bringing it up now, but I keep remembering that the entire point of this blog was to have a place to freely express my feelings, regardless of what they are. If people are tired of reading, they can close the tab.
My life will get back to normal at some point, whatever normal is. I just try to tell myself that. This is a learning process and given the horrible things I have seen other people say and do and still keep their friends, I try to remember that I am not the worst person in the world and that people will forgive me for being "twisted up over some dick..."
The song for this entry was some Postmodern Jukebox, because at the moment, this is what my petty and vindictive heart wants. I hope that there comes a day when DA acknowledges what an ass he was when he decided I wasn't worthy of reciprocal emotional labor. More importantly, I hope that I never make this same mistake again.
Today's Song - Cry Me a River - by Postmodern Jukebox
The blog word of the day is recriminations. There weren't any this past weekend, but Rope Guy pointed out to me that I live in abject fear of them. I'm always ready to justify, apologize, and explain myself because I am always anticipating recriminations.
I had a truly excellent weekend and I spent most of it bouncing along to whatever song was in my head. (There was a great dance to Mambo #5 that energized me for all of Sunday afternoon.) This post has some DA stuff in it, not because of anything he did or did not do, just because of what I felt and learned. He just happened to be in the general vicinity.
TL;dr: I found myself wanting to apologize and explain things that were beyond my control. I don't think there was anything I was responsible for.
Long Entry:
I love teaching workshops. I have met people outside of my usual folk at the fair. Now, I feel like I have a place to go anywhere in the space. I feel welcome. I am sure I was welcome before, but social anxiety is a bitch. Workshops are a lot of effort for me, but the payoff is five weeks of less social anxiety and a lot of safe spaces around the fair.
I found out that the gal who works in the soap booth near my stage is a friend of a friend. I was encouraged to say hello and talk to her. Soap Gal and I are cut from the same cloth and probably using a very similar pattern. We hit it right off. Her lunch break coincided when one of the women in our group was going to have a corset window. So we gathered up a bunch of us to go see our friend pose while getting drinks, doing a little shopping and in general being a group of gals.
I know the owners of the Pockets kiosk in front of the corset windows. I know them from other venues and social groups. So there was looking at our friend's window, catching up with other friends and in general being very social with folks near the corset windows, many I had only waved at on Saturday. The group of us wandered off to look at something else. We were wandering back to catch another look at the corset window (a model usually stays on for an hour and does multiple poses). It was after the shift change in the opposing window and now DA was in the other window. (There is a schedule posted, and my friend in the window had warned me. There was a reason that we did most of our watching before he started his shift. However, I knew DA was going to be in the window and I sure as hell was going to look especially after what he reportedly did on Saturday.)
It doesn't matter what I feel about DA. It doesn't matter that a friend was in the window. It doesn't matter that another friend's shop is directly in front of the window in which he was posed. I feel that I should not linger, stare or otherwise have made him uncomfortable. It would be cruel. I made sure to orient myself in front of my friend's window. I didn't stare and I didn't make a loud fuss about. But, while we were all gathered, at the windows, a large family asked if they could take pictures with us.
It was a reasonable request, so we all agreed, set up the shot and engaged with the customers. I feel that remaining and talking was the correct response. It was startling when DA stepped out of his window, leaving it empty long enough for it to be remarked upon. Short of a medical emergency, you don't leave your window (at least that is what I have been told). The group of us wrapped up the engagement with patrons and went along our way. I think DA was back in his window before we left.
Do you notice what I just did? I explained and justified everything that happened. This all was in my head and ready to spill out within five minutes after it happened. I felt badly that I might have made DA uncomfortable. i was ready for the accusations and the blame.
Fuck. That. Noise!
DA was modeling, on a stage, for a full hour. He put himself there to be looked at. As long as I didn't walk up and lick the glass or block other people's view of him, my actions need no explanation or justification! Yet, when he briefly left his window, I felt somehow responsible. I worried that I would get a nasty-gram with recriminations. (My guess is that he forgot a prop and instead of asking for it, he fetched it himself. In other words, his absence probably had nothing to do with me.)
It was gratifying that he was in the window and without even trying, I was the one that people were paying attention to. (Not just me, but regardless I felt very seen.)
I suppose I should feel some sort of schadenfreude, but mostly I felt bad for my friend. I know that sounds odd, because we aren't friends by his choice, but I did. No, it wasn't friendship, it was seeing a former student that you know can do better and seeing them failing to flourish in an endeavor. I know that DA has the talent, the looks, and the skill to pull off a good window, so the fact that he didn't made me want to yell at him for not living up to his potential. It was incredibly unexpected.
I remember my first window. I was 31 and my husband, my secondary, and my other boyfriend had all pitched in to buy me a corset from the shop. It was tradition to model a brand new corset, so I did. My husband, my secondary, and my friends all came to see me. I did not do a good window, it wasn't dynamic or interesting. My theme was non-existent. However, the one thing I did well, I sold the fuck out of my new corset. My lines were long, the colors I chose offset it well and I showed how awesome a woman with my build looks in a corset. Why, because I took the class on how to pose, I listened to what my friends advised me and I took coaching from the audience that gathered to look at me. I think that hour in my first window was one of the more gratifying moments I had. I did something challenging for me and I felt loved and supported.
One of the things I have usually said about DA is that I
think he is very good looking. There are exes where I thought they were
very good looking while we were dating, but I stopped thinking so after
we broke up. I still think DA is attractive. He also knows the basics of
modeling. I was surprised at how poor his showing was. I don't know what DA was told or who he spoke to, because he received bad direction. I wanted to fix his window. His hair should have been loose. He has gorgeous hair, whomever told him to keep it tied back is an idiot. It would have absolutely made the theme perfectly. The corset he was put into was the wrong size. He should have looked tall and regal, instead it just cut him off at the middle. His poses further closed off the corset and his form. The three or four times I walked by, the poses were amateurish.
DA had a great theme and his props were dynamic. However, there was no energy, no intensity; he could have been a manikin for all the difference it would have made. Yes, I am biased, but I heard the same thing from a number of other people. (Remember the friends with the kiosk right in front of his window? They didn't know him and they didn't know who he was to me when they told me what they thought of his hour.)
I can see where I could feel glee and laugh at him. However, I don't. I want to tell him how to make it better. I want to say the teacher thing. "DA, you know how to do a visual presentation, I am very disappointed. For many students I would give this a B or a B-, but given your experience and talent, I really can't give you more than a C-. Let's discuss how you could redo this project and improve upon it."
I honestly hope that DA received positive as well as constructive feedback. I hope that he enjoyed his experience in the window. I would have been disappointed if I didn't see my friends gathered round, the support of my partner or any the things that were important to me during all of my windows. However, I did it for the attention and to show off my pretty new corset. DA's motivations are likely different. Still, I felt bad for him, because I felt like the people who saw him, did not see his talent or beauty.
Anyway, back to recriminations.
The mediator that I spoke to during workshops came in to check with me during the second day of fair. I thought it might have had to do with the fuss that happened Friday night, but I found out later she was checking in on me because of DA's actions on Saturday. I told her that I was entirely unaware of anything that DA was doing and that I hadn't seen him all day. When I was told, I laughed and opined that his reported behavior was similar to what I had seen him doing for the past few years. One of the things I promised myself is that I wouldn't cover for DA anymore. It isn't my job to spare him the consequences of his actions.
The other thing is that I don't have to make things easy for him. My best friend, another friend and one of my daughter's closest friends were in his carpool last night. I was all packed up and waiting for my passenger. In the past, I would have gone somewhere away instead of waiting with my friends. Even though I knew that would mean seeing him, I decided he could fucking deal. I have missed those conversations that only happen after the end of fair, while waiting for everyone to gather up to leave. There is an intimacy that is hard to explain. I am not giving it up because DA might have to see me for a couple of minutes.
DA drove up and parked. My friends started picking up the pile of stuff to be shuttled home and walking it over to the car. There was one basket remaining. I wasn't going to be a shit. I picked up the basket, walked toward DA's car and tried to hand it off. Either he didn't see me or he was afraid I would use it as an excuse to talk to him, but DA ignored me. I got to walk all the way to his car and wait until I could hand it off to one of my friends, which meant spending a couple of minutes in awkwardness instead of a 10 second exchange,.
When relating the incidents of my to Rope Guy, he noticed that I am trained to expect recriminations and have my actions scrutinized and criticized. I don't blame DA for that training. While he did reinforce it, that behavioral script was trained into my by my mother. I can't recall the last time DA told me how much he cared for me without couching a dig at the same time. I always wanted to do better and get his approval when he did that.
My life is so much better without constantly feeling like I can't do anything right.
I had a good realization and one I will have to ponder more. I had a fantastic weekend at fair and some personal growth in the process, and yes it involved DA.
The song for this entry seemed fairly obvious, so here's a bit of New York ska.
Today was a great day. I regret that there was potential drama, but I don't think it hurt my day at all.
A certain person posted a screed on their Facebook feed, while it was friends only, that’s still more than 1000 people and so screen shots were available. Yes, it was rather vitriolic. Yes, they named the venue even after we were specifically asked not to mention the venue or the people involved on social media. (I have discussed it, but I have avoided naming names and I stopped mentioning the venue.)
I had nothing but support today from my friends and family.
I’m not a psychologist and I haven’t spoken with the person in person in years. However reading their screed made me get an interpretation of their frustration.
I think that even if they got what they seem to be asking for, they wouldn’t be happy. I don’t think it’s about me, I think it’s about getting closure. I think that they want to get recognition from our mutual ex. I feel that deep down the person just wants our mutual ex to listen to them, talk to them, recognize that there was a relationship that was meaningful to both of them.
Do I think that this person knows what they are doing or would admit it? No, I don’t. But they are used to our mutual ex playing the knight in shining tinfoil; I believe that hoped that if they leveraged their accusations and applied enough pressure, I would make our ex do something. To my chagrin, I did ask our mutual ex to take an action and while he did make efforts, I didn't appreciate them nor did I feel they were sufficient. If our mutual ex has made any efforts on my behalf this year, I am unaware of them.
I can't remember getting this twisted up about someone I dated since I was 21. For whatever reason, I'm still hung up on our mutual ex. Heaven knows I wish it were otherwise, but I have to admit that I am. I have been in a number of serious relationships, I have gone through a number of challenging break ups. I knew that the relationship with the mutual ex was never going to be exclusive nor did I expect it to last as long as it did. (When I say hung up, I don't mean I want to get back together, be friends or have an ongoing relationship. I mean, the relationship still hurts and goads at my heart.)
I can't imagine what it would be like to have been in love with our mutual ex without the benefit of experience. If I got messed up, I can only imagine what it was like for that certain person.
Do I think that excuses their behavior? Oh, no. I think they are being a childish jackass. But I know how much being ignored sucks, especially when you just want to know why this person that you love doesn't return the feeling. Since he couldn't get that closure from our mutual ex, I made an easy target. If only I hadn't stolen our mutual ex and turned him against that certain person or whatever it is I did.
I have resources, understanding friends and partners. I am doing all right. However there is a part of me that wants to force my ex to just talk to me. I think that after everything we went through I deserve that much. (He says we have talked. Yes, we have met, on his terms, one of which was that we couldn't discuss the past. That's not talking.)
Maybe I am projecting, making excuses or whatever. Regardless, I can't find it in my heart to be angry anymore. I just feel pity and I wish I could help that certain person get whatever it is they need.
When I am God-Empress of the Universe my ex and I are going to sit down and have that talk. I don't need to ask them why. I don't need apologies. I just want to wrap up the relationship and end it, since there can be no friendship. I know I'll get over it without that talk, but it will take longer and require more work on my part. I will be too busy doing God Empress things to waste that sort of time and energy.
After I'm done, I would make the mutual ex do the same for the certain person. I would make the mutual ex look that certain person in the eye and tell them, "I don't love you the way you loved me. I am not sure I ever did. I am sorry, what I did to you was unfair and fucked."
I think it would be beneficial and useful for everyone involved. The mutual ex would have to actually face the consequences of his actions and lack of judgement. I would get the closure I need and the certain person might get something as well.
Regrettably, I do not wield absolute power and I can only hope that I can maintain the relative semblance of sanity and space I have managed since the ex and I broke it off. I can also continue to write out my feelings. As for the certain person, I tried to do what I could to resolve the issues between us. I hope they are able to find their own closure.
Today was an awesome day. Today was fair the way it used to be back in 2014. No strike that, it was fucking better. Today is the reason I do this crazy hobby. I am happy that I didn't let anyone distract me from the joy of a beautiful day.
Thus the song for this entry sort of picked itself.
My social anxiety needs to kiss my lily white ass.
I just keep reminding myself the way that Rope Guy puts it, my anxiety is just my brain trying to protect me from getting hurt. I could do without the anxiety dreams I have been having, but my brain is doing what it thinks is best. The dreams usually involve my ex and I communicating. I know that he would prefer to ignore me and probably will. I am not sure what's worse, being ignored or hoping I won't be.
I wish I hadn't told LT I would get his ticket tomorrow so that he could "maybe" use it. He got some bad news today and the suggestion just spilled out. I was joking that the solution I offer for all problems during this season is to stop by fair and have gin. He doesn't drink, but he did like the idea of seeing the fair. I am afraid that I'll spend the morning waiting only for him to be unable to make it. (The planned visit isn't until early December.)
I suppose I could do my usual on my blog and rant on and on about this, but there's not much new to say. I want to enjoy this coming weekend; if I think too much, I could have myself wrapped in knots.
So, I am going to bring my rope, my knitting, maybe some crochet and keep myself calm by tying things (and perhaps people) in knots. Maybe I will even take my anxiety medication. (I don't like taking it unless I am close to panic, because the crash is sometimes as bad as the anxiety.)
Since it's a simple and relatively short entry, I will fall back on the simple, yet powerful lyrics of Tom Petty for the song for this entry. I will hold my own space, despite who else does or does not inhabit it.
Today's Song - I Won't Back Down by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
Sometimes I think Lefty Teacher (LT) is going to try my soul and possibly my piece of mind. I wonder what I have let myself in for.
While he doesn't keep a blog, when he shares his writing with people he checks the log files to see when they read. I nearly snarfed my tea when he told me. I am not the only one who obsesses over the data! The funny thing that as much as we both like to express ourselves in writing, we don't write much to each other. We text, but it's light and intermittent. When we want to talk, we do phone calls. I
I learned to dislike phone calls over the past few years. It's a horrible way to talk to my husband about anything beyond who is making dinner. My mother insists on long talks on the phone. Phone calls between me and one of my previous exes usually went poorly.
Rope Guy has helped me to be more comfortable with phone calls. LT knows that I don't always feel comfortable with phone calls, so he encourages me to take my dog for a walk or do something else while we talk. Yeah, so he's a left handed teacher with ADHD. He loves music, geeky television, and puns. He gets me in ways that other people can't. Pedagogy pillow talk is really fucking hot.
I wish we could be more.
I really can't complain. There is enough in common to attract us to each other and make the effort to see each other worthwhile. However, there is enough distance to keep our relationship options limited. It would have been way too easy to take care of him or compromise his emotional needs. I think we both know that. LT and I can't be more, but we have the potential to be enough.
I am worried and anxious about interacting with him, though. I am afraid to ask him for anything or tell him my emotional state. I know it's not being realistic, but any time I want to tell him something, I come up against what he's gone through. How could I tell him about DA, for example? I can just imagine:
"No shit, there was this guy and he didn't know how to explain his emotions. I got really hurt, he got really hurt. We said awful things to each other and now we don't talk. What really sucks is that I have to see him every weekend and the not talking is really hard. Despite everything we went through, I really just miss talking to him. I feel like we will never talk again.
And then LT could respond: So, I was with the same partner for over twenty years. It wasn't a perfect marriage, but she was the first person to truly get me and understand me. I love her so much. She died a while ago after battling breast cancer. There are so many more things I wish I could tell her, ask her, and share with her. Every time I feel that way, I realize that I will never talk to her again. I am sorry to hear about your troubles with your ex, but at least you can see that he is alive and well."
I know that LT would never actually say anything like that. He might not even think it, I imagine he would be sympathetic. But as I have mentioned before, his past year puts my shit into perspective. Our grief is not a competition. We have both suffered loss. This Thanksgiving will be the first without my cousin Lisa. Last Thanksgiving was the final time we had a really intimate talk. I regret all the things my cousin and I will never talk about again. I regret all the things we never shared with each other and now things that we never will.
There are times when I want to pour my heart out to LT. I want to share my insecurities and otherwise tell him about what I am thinking and feeling about him. I haven't done so. When we talk on the phone, I make sure that I am as encouraging as possible about the people he is interested in and pursues. I have told him that I get "twingy", but that I want him to pursue whatever and whomever he wants. He was monogamous for twenty years, if exploring is what he needs to do, I want to support it. I don't want to hide my feelings from him, but I don't want to burden him unnecessarily.
We agreed, that excepting a visit to fair, LT and I wouldn't see each other until after the winter holidays. I assumed this meant that he wasn't interested and just didn't know how to tell me. I didn't understand that he made this request because he is interested and he is taking the space he needs to deal with it in a healthy manner. LT told me that I'm the only one with whom he has wanted to be intimate. (He discovered he is demisexual and so far no one else has made an emotional connection with him.) He has told me that he thinks about me and has done a lot of processing about how he feels.
Do you know how hard it has been not to ask him to share everything he is thinking about me, us? I haven't. I let him tell me what he wants, in his own time. What he has said is that he is glad that there is distance between us, but he is also very glad to have met me. I have tried to tell him similar and also express that this uncertainty is difficult for me, but that I can wait.
Yesterday LT told me that there is aspect of kink he wants to explore. He told me that he had made plans to meet with someone today. It was really hard for him to tell me. I think he was worried I would be jealous or angry. Honestly, I was pleased that he told me ahead of time. I appreciated that he was honest, even though he was afraid of what I would say. I gave him a couple of references to read and wished him well. Yes, it made me a bit twingy, but I remind myself that I have been listening to my gut since I met the man. My gut tells me to give LT all the space he needs to explore, so I am doing it to the best of my ability. It's not a hard as I thought it would be.
I think what impresses me most about LT is the way he is handling his grief. He isn't being strong or hiding his feelings. He recognizes when he is getting dragged down. He is in therapy and talks about his process. He asks for what he needs and offers what he can. I don't know what our relationship will end up being. I am learning/ about how to own my emotions and what healthy boundaries look like. I have been able to better support other people through their grief thanks to what he has shared about himself.
I have never before met someone I could fall ass-over-teakettle for and then made the conscious choice not to do so. I don't even regret the timing or the circumstance, because it feels that this is exactly the right person at the right time. I get to have this person in my life, but only if I respect the boundaries and limitations.
I guess we will see how it works out.
I decided that this entry needed some Bowie and while not a perfect match, this song was the right feel.
I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. There wasn't anything wrong, in fact I had a really lovely evening with Rope Guy. However, in the dark of the night, I realized something that made me very angry at myself.
Due to issues outside of my control, I barely scraped through my teaching credential. I almost had to drop out of the program. My first year of teaching was incredibly challenging because I was dealing with those same issues. I jumped through the hoops, but I didn't get to enjoy the academic experience and I didn't really connect with my peers.
A few years later I was able to go back to school and finish my master's. I jumped into my thesis with both feet. For two years, I barely watched television, I didn't read books for fun, and I gave up most of my social life (only doing fair part time for example). I may have bitched and complained, but I loved every damn minute of it. I loved being a student in the classroom, reflecting on my pedagogy and in general making up for what I missed out when I got my credential. I found my academic voice and I was ready to shout.
Years of effort on my part and in my final semester, I let a penis distract me. I often joke that all of my best stories start out with, "No shit, there was this guy..." The story of how I didn't publish my thesis or continue to write starts out the same way, but it's not a story I am proud of. It goes something like this:
No shit, there was this guy. I should have realized something was wrong when he managed to make what should have been one of the biggest accomplishments of my life about his hurt feelings. I wish I had realized that I hadn't met a supportive person who would care about me, I met a little boy who wanted someone to take care of him, kiss his boo boos, and forgive his mistakes. What I have to show for all my efforts? It seems like nothing but a few trinkets and some bitter memories.
I have no published thesis, just a paper that I would have to rewrite and research, without the support of a cohort. I don't have a treasured friend; just a person who can't even talk to me openly and honestly. Even my memories of our relationship are negative because now everything I remember is seen through the lens of feeling used and thrown away.
I am not really angry at the person. I still miss him at times, but there is no longer a hole in my life where he was. He might still be a thorn in my side, but mostly I console myself because my life has a wonderful and colorful array of roses.
Over the past year I have realized how much bandwidth and effort I put aside for him while we were together. I am embarrassed at everything I did, things he didn't appreciate or care about. I am angry at myself for giving up something that I wanted for myself because he said, "I need you."
I know I am lucky. I didn't give up my career or my youth to put him
through medical school or raise his children. The end of
our relationship made some of my friendships better and showed me
that there were people who care about me, even though I am still "twisted up over some dick". I have learned good lessons, even though they were hard ones. I am still learning.
I may feel differently some day, but whatever positive things he brought into my life are still sour. I don't like the music we shared, I haven't been able to watch the shows we were watching, thank god he wasn't much of a reader, so at least that's still untouched. There is a lot of stuff I avoid because it's associated with him. I know I will get it back someday, but I am tired of it still hurting.
I'm sure that I am more fussed today because I didn't get much sleep last night. Further, today was another day of avoiding him (which required rerouting twice, for bloody sake!). It was a thorny day, probably because despite all of my roses, I realized last night that Rachel T. MA stopped mattering to me. That was wrong, academic Rachel was important! I shouldn't have given her up for some guy. What could I have accomplished if I hadn't been such an idiot?
Since I can't answer that question, I am trying to decide what I can do now? What things do I want to accomplish for myself?
The song I chose is from the 1980s, but I heard it today and I decided that it needed to go with this entry.
I decided to resume my tarot blog. I was using it to process and I miss doing so. I won't deny that the blog went in the wrong direction. However I put it on hiatus because I was taking responsibility for other people's thoughts and feelings.
The blog is "public". If someone shares the link with someone else, that someone else can find it. According to Google, the blog will not show up on a Google search. It is not associated with my name. I gave it some thought and I decided that I am not going to bother with the same level of hoops I put around this blog. (There are times when I am tempted to make this blog more public, but not now.)
In my opinion the tarot blog was never an issue. In my opinion my director handled discussing their concerns poorly. I got defensive because it seems that if someone doesn't like what I write, I am responsible. Fine, I will own that responsibility. If that means I get kicked from the theatrical group, so be it. I am tired of being the "good girl" and getting shit for it while it seems that other people's allegedly bad actions are ignored. Fuck. That. Noise.
I am tired of accepting the blame. I do it too often.
DA ended the friendship with his ex (who was a member of my cast) a week prior to the beginning of the season, I let myself get stuck with the consequences. DA let his secondary blame me for things he did. I let myself get stuck with the consequences, some of which are still ongoing. DA refused to have a reasonable conversation about our trip to Disneyland, I got stuck paying for a large part of the trip. (He barely covered the cost of his tickets and food.) When DA's parents came to visit last year, instead of telling them what a little shit their son was, I smiled and made nice. What did I get in return? DA was an asshole to my boyfriend a couple of weeks later.
I let myself get stuck with the consequences when DA refused to have a reasonable discussion. He kept telling me that we couldn't be friends. I kept trying to explain that we were together for over three years and that there were financial things for us to clear up, as well as some basic understandings. He has repeatedly refused to have that conversation. Who is stuck with the consequences? Yep, you got it. That asshole has cost me money, impacted my social life and hurt people in my community.
I am not saying I have never done or said anything negative about the man. I am sure he has stories that make me out to be the bitchy crazy one. That said, I would really like to see a list of all the ways I have hurt his life. (Not his precious fee fees, but his professional and private life.)
Why am I venting about him, again? Because I keep playing under the assumption that if I am a "good girl", the world will be fair. It's easy to bitch about DA, because it's relatively recent (DA recently contacted me about a trip we took together so he could again tell me that it was my fault for planning the it without his input. He thinks he shouldn't have to pay his share, even though he went on the damn thing and promised that no matter what, he wouldn't short me). I should be clear, DA is no worse or better than other relationships where there were financial, familial, and community ties. The only reason it is easy to list the social sins between us is because they are the most recent, not because they are the most egregious.
I am done with his shit. I have tried to invite the performers who know DA and I into the stage space I inhabit. I brought him into this space, he doesn't get to keep the friends we shared to himself. I hope that they will interact with my cast and me. If those performers have to bring DA along, so be it. He can either act human or continue to be a misanthropic snot bubble.
If people choose to avoid me because they don't like me, that's fine. But if people blame me for shit he's done, I will make them aware that they are using me to give him a pass on the consequences of his actions. I fucked the man, yes, I will no longer get fucked over by him.
How does this relate to the tarot blog? I did everything that the
theatrical management asked and more. I have been accommodating and
understanding. What did that get me? My director came back a year later and accused
me of bad behavior (in front of other cast members) and asked me to do
more. Instead of standing up for myself, I folded and I accepted
responsibility for their misunderstanding.
But wait, there's more! Apparently someone
else blames me because they were removed from their position of authority. It's supposedly because of the issues between DA, his ex, and me. But it's my fault for having the audacity to complain, to someone in authority about it. I guess what I was supposed to do was blast everyone on facebook and lie to my directors?
I don't know why trying to be a decent
human being has turned into me being a doormat, but I am done. I want to
have a tarot blog, so I have started it again. I am not going to deal
with the fuss and nonsense of making it login only. If people want to
read and interpret meanings out of my ramblings, that's on them, not me.
I will do my best to avoid names, dates, and places. The reader will
always find meaning I didn't intend, I am not going to defend it
anymore.
I have used this song before, but it applies today. I just don't give a fuck.
I have always considered myself pragmatic and cynical. I love my sarcasm and I know I have a mean streak.
Nice people seem like they come from other planets. I can’t imagine how anyone could live in the same world I do and still be genuinely nice and caring. They seem to see the best in everyone. The truly nice people I have met are ones from whom I will listen to with my entire heart. Even if I do not agree with them, I give them a level of respect that I reserve for few other people.
What I find peculiar is that I will bend my own ethics and beliefs if I feel that it will benefit one of these rare souls. When it comes to my own ethics, I am a bit of a stickler. Even though I know it’s hypocritical, it doesn’t matter. If I can prevent someone I am involved with from hurting someone who falls under my definition of genuinely nice and caring, I would do so, even if it hurts the relationship (friendship, business association, etc). I have yet to regret making this choice. I am not a nice person, but I will be damned before I will intentionally let a nice person be hurt because I stood by and did nothing.
I know I am not perfect and that I cannot save everyone. I know I can’t save someone from themselves. That doesn’t change the fact that I feel guilty for enabling an abusive relationship because I was conflict avoidant. I lent a relationship, one that I knew was hurtful, legitimacy by my actions. If I hadn’t been helpful, the nice person may never have stuck around.
What I find really funny is that while I believe the person who was hurt is genuinely nice and kind, I don’t like them. They don’t like me. Our perspectives on the world are simply too different to find common ground. I have the feeling that if I tried to tell them my feelings, they would explain that it was my fault that they were hurt the way they were and they would be right. If I hadn’t been involved, things would have been very different. (I am not saying better, but different.)
I can't fix this. I can't change what happened or erase my part in it. A gentle soul was hurt because i did nothing. I want to cause the person who hurt them physical harm and yell, “How could you?” I want to tell the person who hurt them to take their stupid face and their abuse and move to another state, like Alaska. At least they would be less likely to harm more people in the middle of a snowy tundra. Siberia? I also feel that I may deserve a similar banishment.
I might be sarcastic and I might be mean. I have certainly said and written things with intent to hurt people. However, I try to avoid causing damage to people with no emotional armor. Again, I am not perfect, but I have limits. The person who caused damage to a kind soul makes me want to violate my own ethics and beliefs, just in a different direction.
I want the person who hurt that kind soul to feel every emotional blow they have caused other people. I want it to make them bleed. I want them to understand the damage they have caused. I know it unlikely. I suppose that the same way that there are genuinely nice and kind people in the world, there are also sociopaths who don’t care about anyone but themselves. I deeply regret that I enabled someone I consider a sociopath to cause so many people so much emotional damage.
I am sorry.
I have known the song I chose for this entry for a long time. It's entirely possible I have used it before. Regardless, it seems to be the correct mood.
TL;dr: My breakups need to have "the talk" establishing boundaries and expectations. These boundaries need to be respected. I am too deeply incorporated into my social groups to function otherwise. My relationship with DA is the first relationship in over 20 years where I haven't been able to successfully accomplish "the talk". I also realized that while it bothers me, it's not my problem. DA is the one who will end up dealing with the consequences of his choices.
I could do without the weekly revelations, but it seems that into every
good rehearsal weekend some personal reflection must fall. I am going to try to do
this without obvious names and places, but that isn't going to be easy.
Bear with me, those of you who are still reading and as always, if you have questions or comments please maintain the anonymity or ask me directly.
During Sunday's rehearsal I spoke to the former stage manager and current (assistant) director of one of the casts. Let's call that person Paddy. I have a lot of respect for Paddy. They are probably one of the few people that is entirely familiar with the situation with DA and all associated parties. I don't know why it surprised me, but I was taken aback at the bitter vitriol they expressed regarding DA and his actions. I took the opportunity to give Paddy explicit permission to tell me if my actions made a member of their
cast uncomfortable. They assured me that they would and said that they believed that I would respect whatever boundaries were drawn, just as I have for the past few years.
While I know most people ignore this part, I will reiterate that I am not a recording device and that I may have misunderstood or misinterpreted the conversation between Paddy and myself. I may also be drawing the wrong conclusions. This is simply my opinion of what we discussed.
When the fuss and nonsense started for me a couple of years ago, I was upset that Paddy brought the issues up with DA's director. (DA and I were still involved at the time). Yesterday, Paddy explained why. They felt like DA had been deliberately provoking emotional responses from the other parties involved in the fuss. I was trying to avoid the area, as I had been asked. Paddy felt that DA's actions showed a complete disregard for the boundary whenever it was inconvenient. (Paddy is not the only one to have made this observation to me.)
When the threat to kick me and the other party out was made last year, DA was also mentioned. I didn't realize it, but I ended up protecting him because of my insistence that he had nothing to do with the problem. Paddy disagrees with me and says I was taking on responsibilities that aren't mine. They also told me that they wish some of the members of their cast would see that I am not responsible for the fuss and nonsense, even though they have been on the receiving end of DA's lack of consideration. That explanation helped me understand why Paddy's dislike of DA has only increased. I hadn't considered how many messes they had been forced to deal with because of DA.
That's the background for my revelation.
I have complained that I haven't had relationships closure issues like I've had with DA since I was in my early 20s. I think I have figured out some of why.
I had been in an on-again, off-again relationship with a person for nearly a year. We had a fight and I walked out on and refused to talk to him about it. I think I told everyone, but him, that I would no longer be associated with him. I didn't just break off our on-again, off again, relationship, I told anyone who would listen what a horrible human being he was. I never thought about how that made him feel. I didn't care. Everything that he did just reinforced my bad opinion of him. He could have rescued orphans from a fire and I would have found something to complain about.
The following is only speculation, but I have to wonder if the reason he was so defensive around me was because he never knew what the boundaries between us were supposed to be or why I hated him so blatantly. A number of years later that person and I had a very difficult discussion. It probably took about five minutes, but I feel that it established some boundaries between us. I feel that we have respected them ever since. I think it has made the rare occasions where we have had to share venues and spaces more comfortable for everyone.
I learned lessons from that relationship. Regardless of how acrimonious, I have tried to establish what I need and what I can offer an ex so that we can continue with our lives and our hobbies without our personal shit disrupting either. It's not that I have never been hurt by the end of relationship, but it was pain I could deal with because I knew what was expected of me. I knew the rules. Provided I followed them, I could enjoy the life I had before and during the relationship, for the most part.
I realized over this past weekend that whatever emotional and mental struggles I have had with regards to DA, it's the boundary thing that is driving me to distraction. There hasn't been a boundary established that DA acts like he needs to abide by. Every time we have interacted, the rules and boundaries change at his whim. It isn't just that my needs haven't been considered, it's that I can't predict what boundaries DA will cross today. I only know that tomorrow it will somewhow be my fault. It makes dealing with him, in any capacity, exhausting.
Talking to Paddy made me realize that DA's former relationships (including me) were the only ones protecting him from the consequences of his actions. We kept making excuses for his behavior and diverting attention from what he was doing. I noted this in my previous entry. It may have sounded like a threat. It isn't intended as one. Unless I am very mistaken, DA does not have an advocate to defend him in any of our shared social milieus for the first time since he moved to the Bay Area. (I am counting myself as someone who advocated for him last year because I am a doormat.)
I didn't realize until Saturday that I was valued enough by the Powers That Be to pay a therapist her hourly rate to address my concerns. (Yes, there is probably some CYA going on, but allow me my moment of feeling like I matter.) The therapist promised to keep DA's name out of the issues between the other party and myself. As I said yesterday, there is nothing that DA could do to help that situation.
While talking to the mediator on Saturday, I briefly mentioned the
conflict DA and I had at the end of September. The mediator is not
stupid and further it is her job is to hear what is left unsaid. She was
able to extrapolate a pattern I missed. DA picked the fight with me
right before rehearsals began. When I tried to draw a boundary and
resolve the matter, DA backed away and told me to fuck off.
This
is the same pattern of behavior that started the fuss and nonsense in
the first place. DA told a member of Paddy's cast to fuck off because of
a conflict and then instead of discussing boundaries, DA allowed
misunderstandings and miscommunications turn into issues. Instead of
taking ownership, DA has deflected. He has done a variation of this for
the past four years and no one has been able to sit him down and come to
an understanding he will respect. In every case the only option is not to play. Thus DA is not welcome in three different environments and that could increase if his behavior doesn't improve.
It's a shame if he doesn't know that, but it's not my problem. Everyone, including him I think, knows that I would have continued to protect him if he hadn't been such an ass.
I know, I know, it's not my problem and that's not my revelation. I had just never realized that all the effort I have made to end my relationships cleanly, respect boundaries and otherwise realize that it's not all about me had made my life a comfortable place. It's especially impressive when you factor in the people who have known me for over half my life and have seen me be astoundingly stupid. I know of no stage or environment that I have made myself unwelcome, a fact that was reiterated to me time and time again this past weekend. The only venues that I feel uncomfortable in are because of DA's actions, not mine.
For the first time in four years, I feel that I belong and am respected. It's a wonderful feeling.
I find it funny that the song I chose is about feeling like an outcast and is sung by someone who looks incredibly mainstream. I still like the message.
I went to the mediation today. It was a one-on-one with the therapist. As far as I was told, the other person has not chosen to participate. I told my side of the story, we discussed my concerns and what I was able to offer to the process, both to the other person and to management.
There were a few things the mediator and I discussed that were rather revelatory for me. I had never thought about how I inhabit space. She observed that I put myself in a position to control the space I am in. It's part of a being a teacher but it's also something I do naturally. I had never considered how that would feel to someone who wanted a share a space. I can see how the other person would feel defensive before they came within one hundred yards of me.
I described how I had gained some sympathy for the other person. I talked about my experiences with our mutual ex, DA, and how my perspective has changed in the past year. The mediator and I discussed how these feelings would come across and whether or not they were useful to share with the other person.
The mediator and I discussed the boundary issues that I feel DA and I have. She had some interesting observations about emotions by proxy. Given the number of times I have heard DA say "Well [current girlfriend] says..." to justify ridiculously misanthropic behavior on his part. I am starting to believe that DA probably said something similar to the other person. I have to wonder what horrible things were justified in my name.
Between feeling that I was responsible for ruining the relationship between DA and the other person and the way I inhabit spaces, I can see how the other person feels harassed. I also better understand that I was probably never in a position to resolve this drama. By trying to deal with it by myself, all I did was make myself a target.
Before we ended our conversation, the therapist noted that DA was responsible for some of the issues because he didn't talk to the other person. Instead, he sent a Dear John email. That sort of communication left too many things open to misinterpretation and made closure impossible. This only increased the resentment and anger and set me up to get stuck in the middle.
We speculated that DA has repeated the same mistakes with me, but with graver repercussions. DA's current girlfriend is not in a position to defend his actions and smooth the ruffled feathers that have been brought up. Perhaps he never thought about how much I did so that he could perform?
The mediator and I agreed that there is no reason to involve DA in any mediation. We affirmed that any contributions from him are long past constructive and would only stir up hurts for multiple people.. When she brings her analysis of our conversation to
the Powers That Be (PTB), she assured me that she will leave his name
out of it.
So I got something positive out of the
meeting, my efforts to be equitable were recognized and affirmed. I have no idea where things will go from here.
Today's Song really is the obvious choice, yes?
Today's Song - I've Done Everything For You by Rick Springfield
Are there people who truly enjoy hooking up with someone solely for the point of sex? I am not judging, I just don’t understand it. All right I am judging a little.
I maintain accounts on Fetlife and OK Cupid. On both accounts I disclose that I am HSV+ and that my current dance card is rather full. This limits the number of people who approach me online. I wonder if maybe it’s the reason that I see so many assholes. Nice people aren’t going to approach someone who isn’t obviously available.
I have seen people (mostly male) complain how they never receive answers to their messages. Given the quality of the messages I have received, I am not surprised. Honestly, the quality is often lacking.
I had one fellow hit me up on OKC. He came across as a walking, talking disease vector. Anyone who tells me that they have a lot of sex and always uses condoms is a big red flag for me. Why? Because they think that using condoms makes them safe. For the love of all that’s holy, condoms aren’t a magical prevent all. I am not saying that condoms don’t make sex safer. I certainly use them with partners to whom I am not fluid bonded. However when I tried to talk to the guy about safer sex and managing risks, all he kept repeating is that he used condoms.
This guy also wasn’t terribly appealing for other reasons. One of the things he noted was that he liked long, slow, fucks. You know what I am not terribly interested in when my partner is wearing a condom? Yeah, long and slow. I could keep bitching, but mostly this guy was looking for a person to have sex with and little else. I don’t consider myself Demi-sexual. I don’t have to love someone to have sex. But sex just for the physical action? I have yet to find a person that makes a purely physical connection worth while. I am probably biased. I stayed in a toxic relationship because I thought the sex was worthwhile. I would like to tell my earlier self to quit being an idiot. I managed to find more satisfying sex within a couple of weeks of the relationship ending. Looking back on it now, the sex was not worth it.
I had another guy ping me last night. He is 22. He told me how attractive my pictures were and that he would like to get to know me better. Ok, first of all, what do I want with a boy who is about the same age as my youngest child? I don’t want to tutor him and I can’t imagine we have much to talk about. See above about needing someone for the physical act. At least the other guy probably has some basic skills. What does a boy of 22 know?
I don’t need to be in love with the people I share physically intimacy with. However, I want to be able to hold a conversation with them. I wish this weren’t such a foreign concept to the people who choose to approach me online.
All right, in better news, a quick update about the people I actually am dating and other stuff:
Keto’s new friend is not getting my way and I am not getting in hers. We fulfill very different needs in his life and I am happy that he has someone he can see more frequently.
LT is in Hawai’i this week. He made sure to let me know he was flying out and where he would be. I am going to ask him to meet up for a meal or coffee when he gets back. I think some face to face time would be a good idea, but I don’t want to be intimate until after fair is over. I simply don’t have the time to be emotionally considerate of his needs, much less get mine addressed with him.
Rope Guy is the front runner, since he lives relatively close to me and his life became less complicated schedule wise. I will also note that his partner is the best metamour I have had in a very long time. (I had the joy of being dismissed by a former metamor recently, reminding me how much I disliked dealing with them.)
Last night I went to a “wet munch” (a kink social gathering at a bar). It was incredibly crowded, so much so that I spent the night perched on a barstool. It was uncomfortable to move. Somehow I ended up holding court. It felt so natural. For the hour or so I was there with my little coterie of men. There was Keto and a couple of the people in his social group. There was my little sub, who has adopted me. There was a fellow I know from dance groups and fair. I was aware that he was part of the kink scene, but we actually talked last night, so now I have a kink buddy at fair. (To add to the other kink buddies I already have.) However this kink buddy can dance!
I had trouble thinking of a song to go with this entry until I remembered one by Nelly Furtado and Timbaland. It seems pretty close to perfect.
Today's Song - Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado ft. Timbaland
I stopped posting in my tarot blog to avoid drama. That's really funny because my director found the tarot blog and took entries out of context. Instead of talking to me quietly, they brought it up on a conference call that involved six other people and made the drama worse, not better. What's really funny is that the majority of the people who were on the call are able to read this blog while my director is not. This incident explains why.
I think that my director jumped to conclusion that my tarot blog was the writing that the Powers That Be (PTB) had been complaining about. I doubt that the PTB were ever aware of it. I think my director took a comment about my blog from last year out of context. I feel they chose to find a problem and pin it on me a month later instead of discussing it with me when it was brought up.
Before this all came up, I stopped posting to the tarot blog because I was concerned that my ex was reading it and that it might create drama. In all fairness, the tarot blog had stopped being about tarot and had turned into venting, so it was the right thing to do.
I didn't stop doing tarot. I just don't make the readings public. A friend suggested that I not post again until the season is over. Given what happened with my director, I am inclined to agree, it would make things peaceful. However, it feels like I am compromising. This isn't like last year when I was in clear violation of the policy. My tarot blog never referred to a performance group or anyone by name. Even if you knew me and spoke to me on a regular basis, most people didn't know who I was talking about.
I am tired of being told what I can and cannot write. I am tired of people thinking that they have any right to tell me what I am allowed to post. I suppose that's a me problem. But this a me journal and I want to post in my tarot blog and I feel like I can't. It's pissing me off.
I don't see anyone limiting what the other parties have to say or post. No one publicly told my ex that his post on a group list we are both on was inappropriate. In fact, he had the audacity to bitch about how people weren't being supportive of a post that was off topic. I don't see anyone telling the other person that posting to his performance group that he is being harassed and that the management isn't doing enough is inflammatory. Maybe someone said something to them, but it really feels like having a penis gives people a pass for bad behavior whereas I have to toe the line and/or agree to be censored.
I know I should let it go and thus that is what I am trying to do by venting.
Today's song is a bit of an unusual choice. It is applicable, however it's the video that I wanted to share more than the music. I love the body language and expression of the person doing the ASL. I use this for my students when we discuss deaf expression. I strongly recommend watching it without the sound.
Today's Song - Shake it Off by Taylor Swift (as interpreted by Molly Bartholomew)
When I was fifteen or sixteen, I found out what empathy could cost me. I was in a church service and someone nearby was dealing with a death in the family. Something about the service really effected them and they broke down crying. Their emotions hit me like a train and I collapsed. I was embarrassed and I felt like there was something very wrong with me. I only remember ending up in the back of my friend's car and processing emotions that I was not prepared to deal with. I have termed this as crashing because that is what it feels like. I feel like I crash into a wall at high speed and everything hurts all at once. I am usually nonfunctional for a period of time afterward.
I don’t know when I discovered the book Parable of the Sower, but it was sometime in my 20s. I finally found a protagonist who was dealing with the emotions and feelings in similar ways to what I was. I took a lot of lessons on how to filter and process shared emotions from that text. I probably also became a convert to Earthseed because of that book. If there is any religion I could follow, it would be the fictional one created by Octavia Butler. My husband and I had an Earthseed verse read at our wedding. “Kindness eases change. Love quiets fear. And a sweet and powerful Positive obsession Blunts pain, Diverts rage, And engages each of us In the greatest, The most intense Of our chosen struggles.”
― Octavia E. Butler, Parable of the Talents
I chose this verse because I felt like it described what is best about our relationship. I think one of the reasons I love my husband so much is because while he has emotions, they are rarely expressed in a way that I find difficult to deal with and process. Being with my husband is peaceful and calm.
I can better cope with my empathy, but I still crash when I get overwhelmed. The most common issue is that I neglect to take care of myself. If I am low on sleep, haven’t been eating well, or otherwise have failed at homeostasis, I am far more likely to get overwhelmed and crash. It happened last night. There was “one more thing” which pushed me from functional to overwhelmed. I fell to pieces.
In processing through the crash wit Rope Guy last night (who was wonderful), I realized that I had been ignoring my own empathy. That wasn’t the only factor in my crash, but situations that I might have been able to deal with normally pushed me to the breaking point because of the emotional backwash I have been dealing with.
When I see someone in pain, I want to help. I want to help for selfish reasons. If they feel better I won’t be forced to deal with their negative emotions. However, I do like helping people. I am starting to wonder if one of the reasons that I don’t feel seem to feel and communicate about emotions like many people do is because if I did, I wouldn’t be able to leave the house. I bottle up my emotions because it can be hard to discern which ones are mine and what I am picking up from other people. If I am in a highly emotional situation, I have to process the emotions in a quiet space, sorting out my feelings from those of the other people. If I don't do this, I will fall apart. This is the other likely path toward crashing for me.
I don’t like to talk about being empathetic. For a long time, I felt that claims about being an empath were seen as hysterical or just trying draw attention to myself. I learned to hide what I knew and how much I gleaned from people. I still sense what people are feeling, but I usually can ignore it and them. I feel guilty, but I can do it.
The better I know someone, the more likely I believe I know what they are feeling, even if I can only guess why. The better I know someone, the harder it is to ignore them when they are experiencing very strong feelings or are very conflicted. Negative emotions aimed at me are like knives.
There is a situation where a person has reasons to dislike me. That’s a pity, but that's life. Being around this person is emotionally painful. It feels like they want to hurt me whenever we share a space. Trying to explain that to other people is challenging. A number of people just don’t understand that I would rather remove myself from the space entirely rather than deal with that person's emotions. I nearly quit a group because they didn’t understand that I wasn’t choosing to absent myself from this person, I felt I had no alternative for my own peace of mind.
Another situation that is very hard for me is when I see someone that I care about in pain and know that there is nothing I can do about it. Their pain feels like a physical force battering at me.
I have had to deal with both situations recently. As some of you know, there has been an ongoing situation where the person who dislikes me claims I am harassing them. This has been a problem for a couple of years and it's getting to be very taxing.
The other problem is also a carryover from last year. The person says they want nothing to do with me, but their emotions are all over the place and I can feel those emotions. I don’t think I recognized how much I was carrying with me until I collapsed last night.
Please understand, I am not blaming anyone. People can and should feel any way they damn well please, where they please, however they please, provided they aren’t imposing themselves on anyone else. My sensitivity is my problem and I am working to deal with it. However, I am not sure I can handle another season of this. I thought the first weekend of rehearsals was bad last year, but that was nothing compared to the emotions I was picking up from the person this year. I feel like I am crazy and that doesn't feel good.
A friend, who is familiar with the situation and the person, was able to suggest why the feelings may be so confused and so strong. My friend's partner has worked extensively with survivors of domestic abuse. My friend feels that the emotions I am picking up are probably the result of a similar situation.
That doesn’t make me feel better, but it helps me realize that there is nothing I can do for the person. As I mentioned in my last entry, the backfire effect is powerful stuff. I know from my own experiences and having worked with families as much as I have, that domestic violence is insidious and the denial cycle perpetuates itself. I really am powerless to help this person.
I have known this person for a while and they have been in abusive relationships before. (I am not saying that they are in one now, I do not know. I know that they have said that previous relationships were emotionally abusive and/or toxic.) Hopefully I am just biased and I haven’t the foggiest idea of what I am talking about. I have never so wanted to be wrong before in my life. Talking to them would only make them even more defensive, something I have learned the hard way.
All I can do is hope. I am worried and if you think I am crazy, grasping at straws or whatever, please understand that I am telling you. I am not telling anyone else. I don't think that there is anything I can do beyond the steps I have already taken. In the one case, to request a third party to talk to the person who dislikes me. In the other case, do nothing and keep my distance.
I know that it won't reach the person for whom it is needed, but I will post information for both men and women, there is help. If you need someone to talk to, I will listen and I will try help you.
I felt the same emotions listening to this song that I felt this past weekend. I know I am biased and so I will just say that music suits my narrative and doesn't mean anything for anyone else.
Grades are due Tuesday morning, so I probably won't be able to write much for a couple of days. So late Sunday entry!
I hate that I am a product of my social conditioning. I said yesterday that I was fortunate that I was still allowed to lead workshops given all the fuss that has been going on recently. A friend texted me I had the wrong attitude. They felt that it was the organization that was lucky to have my skills.
I have been chewing on this since I received the text. As such, I found an article that gave me a lot to think about. It's hard for me to read because of the cognitive dissonance, but I am trying.
Rope Guy sent me a cartoon from the Oatmeal about that for my psych students. It goes into the reasons that humans are so resistant to taking in information that contradicts are current beliefs. It is called the Backfire Effect.
I thought my workshops were crap. It wasn't until someone whom I don't consider a friend (and is a teacher) told me how much they appreciated my new language workshop that I began to believe that I am offering something of value. The fact that any number of people told me that they enjoyed the workshop didn't matter. I didn't believe it until someone, whose respect I wanted, said something. Then I considered the possibility.
It got me thinking how many things that people are socialized to believe regarding gender and how people act.
It's the usual thing: A man is assertive, a woman is bossy. A man has a strong sense of self-worth, a woman is full of herself. If a man tells a woman that she shouldn't be friends with someone of the opposite gender, he is being protective. If a woman tells a man the same thing, she has jealousy issues and is insecure.
How many other gender norms are things I have internalized into limitations?
Speaking of limitations, I imagine some of you are wondering how seeing DA for the first time since May went. I am glad to say that it wasn't a problem. I saw him. I assume he saw me. We did not interact. This stuff about how I don't see myself as worthy made me look at our interactions differently. It motivated me to ignore him with as little energy expenditure as possible.
It wasn't difficult. I remember what he wrote in his most recent email when I suggested that we stop arguing via text (an argument he started) and clear things up in person. He wrote, "We have already met under numerous conditions and circumstances, many better than the context we find ourselves in today. I do not believe meeting would be a positive experience." (posted without permission).
I
figured out a while ago that friendship with DA was unlikely. This time last year, I
hoped we could be on good enough terms that our mutual hobby and what I
considered my safe space wasn't interfered with. All attempts to manage
that have failed spectacularly. I’m tired of trying to get to a basic understanding.
I have wonderful friends. I realized over the past few days that I never needed DA's version of friendship. (Many of you have spent the past three years telling me this, I am sorry I couldn't listen. See above about backfire effect.)
To quote an article I came across: "Psychopaths are very charming, and hook their victims with great intensity.
However, this also means it's hard to let them go. Psychopaths and
narcissists tend to target very empathetic people, because they can mistreat them as much as they want without them leaving." I can't say if DA could be described as someone with anti-social personality disorder. However, I believe I am empathic and I fall for this sort of crap. I take it hook, line and sinker. DA was nice to me when he needed emotional support, to be told he was pretty or someone to tell him how fantastic his performances were. When I refused to give him anything without receiving something in return, I became disposable. (The links in this paragraph are from the article, but I decided to leave them in.)
I won't deny having some petty thoughts about DA, too petty to mention here. Seeing him didn't hurt. I kept myself focused on my friends and my workshops. Hopefully this will be the last time I feel the need to mention him for the rest of the run. Today's Song took some searching. I really wasn't sure what I was looking for, but I stumbled across this on a list and decided it was a good feeling. I also learned that this whole music thing I do with my entries is pretty indicative of being empathic. So learning!
