Nice people seem like they come from other planets. I can’t imagine how anyone could live in the same world I do and still be genuinely nice and caring. They seem to see the best in everyone. The truly nice people I have met are ones from whom I will listen to with my entire heart. Even if I do not agree with them, I give them a level of respect that I reserve for few other people.
What I find peculiar is that I will bend my own ethics and beliefs if I feel that it will benefit one of these rare souls. When it comes to my own ethics, I am a bit of a stickler. Even though I know it’s hypocritical, it doesn’t matter. If I can prevent someone I am involved with from hurting someone who falls under my definition of genuinely nice and caring, I would do so, even if it hurts the relationship (friendship, business association, etc). I have yet to regret making this choice. I am not a nice person, but I will be damned before I will intentionally let a nice person be hurt because I stood by and did nothing.
I know I am not perfect and that I cannot save everyone. I know I can’t save someone from themselves. That doesn’t change the fact that I feel guilty for enabling an abusive relationship because I was conflict avoidant. I lent a relationship, one that I knew was hurtful, legitimacy by my actions. If I hadn’t been helpful, the nice person may never have stuck around.
What I find really funny is that while I believe the person who was hurt is genuinely nice and kind, I don’t like them. They don’t like me. Our perspectives on the world are simply too different to find common ground. I have the feeling that if I tried to tell them my feelings, they would explain that it was my fault that they were hurt the way they were and they would be right. If I hadn’t been involved, things would have been very different. (I am not saying better, but different.)
I can't fix this. I can't change what happened or erase my part in it. A gentle soul was hurt because i did nothing. I want to cause the person who hurt them physical harm and yell, “How could you?” I want to tell the person who hurt them to take their stupid face and their abuse and move to another state, like Alaska. At least they would be less likely to harm more people in the middle of a snowy tundra. Siberia? I also feel that I may deserve a similar banishment.
I might be sarcastic and I might be mean. I have certainly said and written things with intent to hurt people. However, I try to avoid causing damage to people with no emotional armor. Again, I am not perfect, but I have limits. The person who caused damage to a kind soul makes me want to violate my own ethics and beliefs, just in a different direction.
I want the person who hurt that kind soul to feel every emotional blow they have caused other people. I want it to make them bleed. I want them to understand the damage they have caused. I know it unlikely. I suppose that the same way that there are genuinely nice and kind people in the world, there are also sociopaths who don’t care about anyone but themselves. I deeply regret that I enabled someone I consider a sociopath to cause so many people so much emotional damage.
I am sorry.
I have known the song I chose for this entry for a long time. It's entirely possible I have used it before. Regardless, it seems to be the correct mood.
Today's Song - Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri
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