"It's all give and take and you just take..."

I went to the mediation today. It was a one-on-one with the therapist. As far as I was told, the other person has not chosen to participate. I told my side of the story, we discussed my concerns and what I was able to offer to the process, both to the other person and to management.

There were a few things the mediator and I discussed that were rather revelatory for me. I had never thought about how I inhabit space. She observed that I put myself in a position to control the space I am in. It's part of a being a teacher but it's also something I do naturally. I had never considered how that would feel to someone who wanted a share a space. I can see how the other person would feel defensive before they came within one hundred yards of me. 

 I described how I had gained some sympathy for the other person. I talked about my experiences with our mutual ex, DA, and how my perspective has changed in the past year. The mediator and I discussed how these feelings would come across and whether or not they were useful to share with the other person.

The mediator and I discussed the boundary issues that I feel DA and I have. She had some interesting observations about emotions by proxy.  Given the number of times I have heard DA say "Well [current girlfriend] says..." to justify ridiculously misanthropic behavior on his part. I am starting to believe that DA probably said something similar to the other person. I have to wonder what horrible things were justified in my name.

Between feeling that I was responsible for ruining the relationship between DA and the other person and the way I inhabit spaces, I can see how the other person feels harassed. I also better understand that I was probably never in a position to resolve this drama. By trying to deal with it by myself, all I did was make myself a target. 

Before we ended our conversation, the therapist noted that DA was responsible for some of the issues because he didn't talk to the other person. Instead, he sent a Dear John email. That sort of communication left too many things open to misinterpretation and made closure impossible. This only increased the resentment and anger and set me up to get stuck in the middle.

We speculated that DA has repeated the same mistakes with me, but with graver repercussions. DA's current girlfriend is not in a position to defend his actions and smooth the ruffled feathers that have been brought up. Perhaps he never thought about how much I did so that he could perform?

The mediator and I agreed that there is no reason to involve DA in any mediation. We affirmed that any contributions from him are long past constructive and would only stir up hurts for multiple people.. When she brings her analysis of our conversation to the Powers That Be (PTB), she assured me that she will leave his name out of it.

So I got something positive out of the meeting, my efforts to be equitable were recognized and affirmed. I have no idea where things will go from here.

Today's Song really is the obvious choice, yes?

Today's Song - I've Done Everything For You by Rick Springfield