"The way she tells me I'm hers and she is mine..."

When I was fifteen or sixteen, I found out what empathy could cost me.  I was in a church service and someone nearby was dealing with a death in the family. Something about the service really effected them and they broke down crying. Their emotions hit me like a train and I collapsed. I was embarrassed and I felt like there was something very wrong with me. I only remember ending up in the back of my friend's car and processing emotions that I was not prepared to deal with.  I have termed this as crashing because that is what it feels like. I feel like I crash into a wall at high speed and everything hurts all at once. I am usually nonfunctional for a period of time afterward.

I don’t know when I discovered the book Parable of the Sower, but it was sometime in my 20s. I finally found a protagonist who was dealing with the emotions and feelings in similar ways to what I was. I took a lot of lessons on how to filter and process shared emotions from that text. I probably also became a convert to Earthseed because of that book. If there is any religion I could follow, it would be the fictional one created by Octavia Butler. My husband and I had an Earthseed verse read at our wedding.

“Kindness eases change.
Love quiets fear.
And a sweet and powerful
Positive obsession
Blunts pain,
Diverts rage,
And engages each of us
In the greatest,
The most intense
Of our chosen struggles.”
― Octavia E. Butler, Parable of the Talents

I chose this verse because I felt like it described what is best about our relationship. I think one of the reasons I love my husband so much is because while he has emotions, they are rarely expressed in a way that I find difficult to deal with and process. Being with my husband is peaceful and calm.

I can better cope with my empathy, but I still crash when I get overwhelmed. The most common issue is that I neglect to take care of myself. If I am low on sleep, haven’t been eating well, or otherwise have failed at homeostasis, I am far more likely to get overwhelmed and crash. It happened last night. There was “one more thing” which pushed me from functional to overwhelmed. I fell to pieces.

In processing through the crash wit Rope Guy last night (who was wonderful), I realized that I had been ignoring my own empathy. That wasn’t the only factor in my crash, but situations that I might have been able to deal with normally pushed me to the breaking point because of the emotional backwash I have been dealing with.

When I see someone in pain, I want to help. I want to help for selfish reasons. If they feel better I won’t be forced to deal with their negative emotions. However, I do like helping people. I am starting to wonder if one of the reasons that I don’t feel seem to feel and communicate about emotions like many people do is because if I did, I wouldn’t be able to leave the house. I bottle up my emotions because it can be hard to discern which ones are mine and what I am picking up from other people. If I am in a highly emotional situation, I have to process the emotions in a quiet space, sorting out my feelings from those of the other people. If I don't do this, I will fall apart. This is the other likely path toward crashing for me.

I don’t like to talk about being empathetic. For a long time, I felt that claims about being an empath were seen as hysterical or just trying draw attention to myself. I learned to hide what I knew and how much I gleaned from people. I still sense what people are feeling, but I usually can ignore it and them. I feel guilty, but I can do it.

The better I know someone, the more likely I believe I know what they are feeling, even if I can only guess why. The better I know someone, the harder it is to ignore them when they are experiencing very strong feelings or are very conflicted. Negative emotions aimed at me are like knives.

There is a situation where a person has reasons to dislike me. That’s a pity, but that's life. Being around this person is emotionally painful. It feels like they want to hurt me whenever we share a space. Trying to explain that to other people is challenging. A number of people just don’t understand that I would rather remove myself from the space entirely rather than deal with that person's emotions. I nearly quit a group because they didn’t understand that I wasn’t choosing to absent myself from this person, I felt I had no alternative for my own peace of mind.

Another situation that is very hard for me is when I see someone that I care about in pain and know that there is nothing I can do about it. Their pain feels like a physical force battering at me.

I have had to deal with both situations recently. As some of you know, there has been an ongoing situation where the person who dislikes me claims I am harassing them. This has been a problem for a couple of years and it's getting to be very taxing.

The other problem is also a carryover from last year. The person says they want nothing to do with me, but their emotions are all over the place and I can feel those emotions. I don’t think I recognized how much I was carrying with me until I collapsed last night.

Please understand, I am not blaming anyone. People can and should feel any way they damn well please, where they please, however they please, provided they aren’t imposing themselves on anyone else. My sensitivity is my problem and I am working to deal with it. However, I am not sure I can handle another season of this. I thought the first weekend of rehearsals was bad last year, but that was nothing compared to the emotions I was picking up from the person this year. I feel like I am crazy and that doesn't feel good.

A friend, who is familiar with the situation and the person, was able to suggest why the feelings may be so confused and so strong. My friend's partner has worked extensively with survivors of domestic abuse. My friend feels that the emotions I am picking up are probably the result of a similar situation.

That doesn’t make me feel better, but it helps me realize that there is nothing I can do for the person. As I mentioned in my last entry, the backfire effect is powerful stuff. I know from my own experiences and having worked with families as much as I have, that domestic violence is insidious and the denial cycle perpetuates itself. I really am powerless to help this person.

I have known this person for a while and they have been in abusive relationships before. (I am not saying that they are in one now, I do not know. I know that they have said that previous relationships were emotionally abusive and/or toxic.) Hopefully I am just biased and I haven’t the foggiest idea of what I am talking about. I have never so wanted to be wrong before in my life. Talking to them would only make them even more defensive, something I have learned the hard way.

All I can do is hope.  I am worried and if you think I am crazy, grasping at straws or whatever, please understand that I am telling you. I am not telling anyone else. I don't think that there is anything I can do beyond the steps I have already taken. In the one case, to request a third party to talk to the person who dislikes me. In the other case, do nothing and keep my distance.

I know that it won't reach the person for whom it is needed, but I will post information for both men and women, there is help. If you need someone to talk to, I will listen and I will try help you. 

For men: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/domestic-violence-against-men/art-20045149

For women: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/domestic-violence/art-20048397

I felt the same emotions listening to this song that I felt this past weekend.  I know I am biased and so I will just say that music suits my narrative and doesn't mean anything for anyone else.

Today's Song - Cherry Wine by Hozier