The blog is "public". If someone shares the link with someone else, that someone else can find it. According to Google, the blog will not show up on a Google search. It is not associated with my name. I gave it some thought and I decided that I am not going to bother with the same level of hoops I put around this blog. (There are times when I am tempted to make this blog more public, but not now.)
In my opinion the tarot blog was never an issue. In my opinion my director handled discussing their concerns poorly. I got defensive because it seems that if someone doesn't like what I write, I am responsible. Fine, I will own that responsibility. If that means I get kicked from the theatrical group, so be it. I am tired of being the "good girl" and getting shit for it while it seems that other people's allegedly bad actions are ignored. Fuck. That. Noise.
I am tired of accepting the blame. I do it too often.
DA ended the friendship with his ex (who was a member of my cast) a week prior to the beginning of the season, I let myself get stuck with the consequences. DA let his secondary blame me for things he did. I let myself get stuck with the consequences, some of which are still ongoing. DA refused to have a reasonable conversation about our trip to Disneyland, I got stuck paying for a large part of the trip. (He barely covered the cost of his tickets and food.) When DA's parents came to visit last year, instead of telling them what a little shit their son was, I smiled and made nice. What did I get in return? DA was an asshole to my boyfriend a couple of weeks later.
I let myself get stuck with the consequences when DA refused to have a reasonable discussion. He kept telling me that we couldn't be friends. I kept trying to explain that we were together for over three years and that there were financial things for us to clear up, as well as some basic understandings. He has repeatedly refused to have that conversation. Who is stuck with the consequences? Yep, you got it. That asshole has cost me money, impacted my social life and hurt people in my community.
I am not saying I have never done or said anything negative about the man. I am sure he has stories that make me out to be the bitchy crazy one. That said, I would really like to see a list of all the ways I have hurt his life. (Not his precious fee fees, but his professional and private life.)
Why am I venting about him, again? Because I keep playing under the assumption that if I am a "good girl", the world will be fair. It's easy to bitch about DA, because it's relatively recent (DA recently contacted me about a trip we took together so he could again tell me that it was my fault for planning the it without his input. He thinks he shouldn't have to pay his share, even though he went on the damn thing and promised that no matter what, he wouldn't short me). I should be clear, DA is no worse or better than other relationships where there were financial, familial, and community ties. The only reason it is easy to list the social sins between us is because they are the most recent, not because they are the most egregious.
I am done with his shit. I have tried to invite the performers who know DA and I into the stage space I inhabit. I brought him into this space, he doesn't get to keep the friends we shared to himself. I hope that they will interact with my cast and me. If those performers have to bring DA along, so be it. He can either act human or continue to be a misanthropic snot bubble.
If people choose to avoid me because they don't like me, that's fine. But if people blame me for shit he's done, I will make them aware that they are using me to give him a pass on the consequences of his actions. I fucked the man, yes, I will no longer get fucked over by him.
How does this relate to the tarot blog? I did everything that the theatrical management asked and more. I have been accommodating and understanding. What did that get me? My director came back a year later and accused me of bad behavior (in front of other cast members) and asked me to do more. Instead of standing up for myself, I folded and I accepted responsibility for their misunderstanding.
But wait, there's more! Apparently someone else blames me because they were removed from their position of authority. It's supposedly because of the issues between DA, his ex, and me. But it's my fault for having the audacity to complain, to someone in authority about it. I guess what I was supposed to do was blast everyone on facebook and lie to my directors?
I don't know why trying to be a decent human being has turned into me being a doormat, but I am done. I want to have a tarot blog, so I have started it again. I am not going to deal with the fuss and nonsense of making it login only. If people want to read and interpret meanings out of my ramblings, that's on them, not me. I will do my best to avoid names, dates, and places. The reader will always find meaning I didn't intend, I am not going to defend it anymore.
I have used this song before, but it applies today. I just don't give a fuck.
Today's Song - IDGAF by Dua Lipa and Co.
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