"Should've picked honesty/ Then you may not have blown it"

Yesterday was fun, although not quite as splendid as last weekend. There is a guy in the other casts that's just too fun to play with, yesterday was his first day of fair. He took to it like a duck to water. Another guy, in the same cast, asked me to tie him up on Sunday, so I am planning what to do to him.

LT came back from his holiday with family and the first thing he did was send me a picture of him in a black leather harness. He was looking for my approval. I am not sure if I am up to dating a sub, but it is a very pretty picture. The funny thing is that while I did find it attractive and sexy, I could see a number of people seeing the flaws. What can I say, I like my Jack Sprats.

I believe that yesterday was the first time since 2015 that I didn't have to directly deal with repercussions of having dated DA while being at fair. It was nice.

"But Rachel," you might be saying, "how stressful does it have to be when your ex has explicitly told you that they don't want to be friends. It's easy, just ignore them." Well, imaginary person, I wish it were that easy for me.

I know that I can be petty and vindictive. I am not sure if I am better or worse than anyone else, but it's not a quality I am proud of. What I have been learning is that nothing brings out my petty and vindictive side as much as arbitrary rules where I am expected to be "the good one" and if I ask for my needs to be met, I am selfish.

I don't care if DA does or does not want to be friends. What I care about is how his choices interfere with the enjoyment of activities I did long before I met him. He chose to pursue a hobby I introduced him to. Fine, I have to deal with him being there, but why is it so much to ask that we have a working relationship? I would have accepted that we weren't friends, but acted like people who were in the same social group, because we are.  My choices seem to be animosity and not talking to each other or being a doormat anytime he needed someone to do something for him. It takes emotional labor to maintain a hard boundary like that.

I don't think I realized how frustrated I found the situation until I got a day off from dealing with him. It seems that I will get the rest of the weekend off, since he is away for the weekend. I am waffling on going to fair today, but another day like yesterday, where I can walk around without having to navigate the awkwardness is too good to pass up.  I should be very clear, I have barely seen or interacted with DA this year; we have avoided each other. This is a me problem, not a DA problem. I know he is at fair and I am afraid of what he will do. The petty slights, the alleged stalking, and just having to avoid him is tiresome.

I suppose the other thing (and again a me thing, not a DA thing) is that I want to know why. I want to know why our relationship went from troubled, to toxic, to we can never be friends when I did my best to back off after our break up and give him plenty of space. I suppose DA could say, "But her emails..." but he hasn't even said that much. I feel that "the emails" didn't start until every other outlet was taken from me. I imagine that DA would say differently and be able to show how evil I am. A friend put it best when they said that an honest conversation with DA is impossible because he can't even be honest with himself. I suppose it could be worse, most of our mutual friends (which is like three people) have told me that he is being stupid and that he should just fucking grow a pair (of ovaries or gonads, we won't judge) and talk to me.

I am trying not to talk about him with my friends, but I feel like I am failing. I don't want to make people uncomfortable and I feel like I do every time I bring him up. I hate that I am bringing it up now, but I keep remembering that the entire point of this blog was to have a place to freely express my feelings, regardless of what they are. If people are tired of reading, they can close the tab.

My life will get back to normal at some point, whatever normal is. I just try to tell myself that. This is a learning process and given the horrible things I have seen other people say and do and still keep their friends, I try to remember that I am not the worst person in the world and that people will forgive me for being "twisted up over some dick..."

The song for this entry was some Postmodern Jukebox, because at the moment, this is what my petty and vindictive heart wants. I hope that there comes a day when DA acknowledges what an ass he was when he decided I wasn't worthy of reciprocal emotional labor. More importantly, I hope that I never make this same mistake again.

Today's Song - Cry Me a River - by Postmodern Jukebox