I had a truly excellent weekend and I spent most of it bouncing along to whatever song was in my head. (There was a great dance to Mambo #5 that energized me for all of Sunday afternoon.) This post has some DA stuff in it, not because of anything he did or did not do, just because of what I felt and learned. He just happened to be in the general vicinity.
TL;dr: I found myself wanting to apologize and explain things that were beyond my control. I don't think there was anything I was responsible for.
Long Entry:
I love teaching workshops. I have met people outside of my usual folk at the fair. Now, I feel like I have a place to go anywhere in the space. I feel welcome. I am sure I was welcome before, but social anxiety is a bitch. Workshops are a lot of effort for me, but the payoff is five weeks of less social anxiety and a lot of safe spaces around the fair.I found out that the gal who works in the soap booth near my stage is a friend of a friend. I was encouraged to say hello and talk to her. Soap Gal and I are cut from the same cloth and probably using a very similar pattern. We hit it right off. Her lunch break coincided when one of the women in our group was going to have a corset window. So we gathered up a bunch of us to go see our friend pose while getting drinks, doing a little shopping and in general being a group of gals.
I know the owners of the Pockets kiosk in front of the corset windows. I know them from other venues and social groups. So there was looking at our friend's window, catching up with other friends and in general being very social with folks near the corset windows, many I had only waved at on Saturday. The group of us wandered off to look at something else. We were wandering back to catch another look at the corset window (a model usually stays on for an hour and does multiple poses). It was after the shift change in the opposing window and now DA was in the other window. (There is a schedule posted, and my friend in the window had warned me. There was a reason that we did most of our watching before he started his shift. However, I knew DA was going to be in the window and I sure as hell was going to look especially after what he reportedly did on Saturday.)
It doesn't matter what I feel about DA. It doesn't matter that a friend was in the window. It doesn't matter that another friend's shop is directly in front of the window in which he was posed. I feel that I should not linger, stare or otherwise have made him uncomfortable. It would be cruel. I made sure to orient myself in front of my friend's window. I didn't stare and I didn't make a loud fuss about. But, while we were all gathered, at the windows, a large family asked if they could take pictures with us.
It was a reasonable request, so we all agreed, set up the shot and engaged with the customers. I feel that remaining and talking was the correct response. It was startling when DA stepped out of his window, leaving it empty long enough for it to be remarked upon. Short of a medical emergency, you don't leave your window (at least that is what I have been told). The group of us wrapped up the engagement with patrons and went along our way. I think DA was back in his window before we left.
Do you notice what I just did? I explained and justified everything that happened. This all was in my head and ready to spill out within five minutes after it happened. I felt badly that I might have made DA uncomfortable. i was ready for the accusations and the blame.
Fuck. That. Noise!
DA was modeling, on a stage, for a full hour. He put himself there to be looked at. As long as I didn't walk up and lick the glass or block other people's view of him, my actions need no explanation or justification! Yet, when he briefly left his window, I felt somehow responsible. I worried that I would get a nasty-gram with recriminations. (My guess is that he forgot a prop and instead of asking for it, he fetched it himself. In other words, his absence probably had nothing to do with me.)
It was gratifying that he was in the window and without even trying, I was the one that people were paying attention to. (Not just me, but regardless I felt very seen.)
I suppose I should feel some sort of schadenfreude, but mostly I felt bad for my friend. I know that sounds odd, because we aren't friends by his choice, but I did. No, it wasn't friendship, it was seeing a former student that you know can do better and seeing them failing to flourish in an endeavor. I know that DA has the talent, the looks, and the skill to pull off a good window, so the fact that he didn't made me want to yell at him for not living up to his potential. It was incredibly unexpected.
I remember my first window. I was 31 and my husband, my secondary, and my other boyfriend had all pitched in to buy me a corset from the shop. It was tradition to model a brand new corset, so I did. My husband, my secondary, and my friends all came to see me. I did not do a good window, it wasn't dynamic or interesting. My theme was non-existent. However, the one thing I did well, I sold the fuck out of my new corset. My lines were long, the colors I chose offset it well and I showed how awesome a woman with my build looks in a corset. Why, because I took the class on how to pose, I listened to what my friends advised me and I took coaching from the audience that gathered to look at me. I think that hour in my first window was one of the more gratifying moments I had. I did something challenging for me and I felt loved and supported.
One of the things I have usually said about DA is that I think he is very good looking. There are exes where I thought they were very good looking while we were dating, but I stopped thinking so after we broke up. I still think DA is attractive. He also knows the basics of modeling. I was surprised at how poor his showing was. I don't know what DA was told or who he spoke to, because he received bad direction. I wanted to fix his window. His hair should have been loose. He has gorgeous hair, whomever told him to keep it tied back is an idiot. It would have absolutely made the theme perfectly. The corset he was put into was the wrong size. He should have looked tall and regal, instead it just cut him off at the middle. His poses further closed off the corset and his form. The three or four times I walked by, the poses were amateurish.
DA had a great theme and his props were dynamic. However, there was no energy, no intensity; he could have been a manikin for all the difference it would have made. Yes, I am biased, but I heard the same thing from a number of other people. (Remember the friends with the kiosk right in front of his window? They didn't know him and they didn't know who he was to me when they told me what they thought of his hour.)
I can see where I could feel glee and laugh at him. However, I don't. I want to tell him how to make it better. I want to say the teacher thing. "DA, you know how to do a visual presentation, I am very disappointed. For many students I would give this a B or a B-, but given your experience and talent, I really can't give you more than a C-. Let's discuss how you could redo this project and improve upon it."
I honestly hope that DA received positive as well as constructive feedback. I hope that he enjoyed his experience in the window. I would have been disappointed if I didn't see my friends gathered round, the support of my partner or any the things that were important to me during all of my windows. However, I did it for the attention and to show off my pretty new corset. DA's motivations are likely different. Still, I felt bad for him, because I felt like the people who saw him, did not see his talent or beauty.
Anyway, back to recriminations.
The mediator that I spoke to during workshops came in to check with me during the second day of fair. I thought it might have had to do with the fuss that happened Friday night, but I found out later she was checking in on me because of DA's actions on Saturday. I told her that I was entirely unaware of anything that DA was doing and that I hadn't seen him all day. When I was told, I laughed and opined that his reported behavior was similar to what I had seen him doing for the past few years. One of the things I promised myself is that I wouldn't cover for DA anymore. It isn't my job to spare him the consequences of his actions.
The other thing is that I don't have to make things easy for him. My best friend, another friend and one of my daughter's closest friends were in his carpool last night. I was all packed up and waiting for my passenger. In the past, I would have gone somewhere away instead of waiting with my friends. Even though I knew that would mean seeing him, I decided he could fucking deal. I have missed those conversations that only happen after the end of fair, while waiting for everyone to gather up to leave. There is an intimacy that is hard to explain. I am not giving it up because DA might have to see me for a couple of minutes.
DA drove up and parked. My friends started picking up the pile of stuff to be shuttled home and walking it over to the car. There was one basket remaining. I wasn't going to be a shit. I picked up the basket, walked toward DA's car and tried to hand it off. Either he didn't see me or he was afraid I would use it as an excuse to talk to him, but DA ignored me. I got to walk all the way to his car and wait until I could hand it off to one of my friends, which meant spending a couple of minutes in awkwardness instead of a 10 second exchange,.
When relating the incidents of my to Rope Guy, he noticed that I am trained to expect recriminations and have my actions scrutinized and criticized. I don't blame DA for that training. While he did reinforce it, that behavioral script was trained into my by my mother. I can't recall the last time DA told me how much he cared for me without couching a dig at the same time. I always wanted to do better and get his approval when he did that.
My life is so much better without constantly feeling like I can't do anything right.
I had a good realization and one I will have to ponder more. I had a fantastic weekend at fair and some personal growth in the process, and yes it involved DA.
The song for this entry seemed fairly obvious, so here's a bit of New York ska.
Today's Song - Recriminations by The Toasters
No comments:
Post a Comment