I could do without the weekly revelations, but it seems that into every good rehearsal weekend some personal reflection must fall. I am going to try to do this without obvious names and places, but that isn't going to be easy. Bear with me, those of you who are still reading and as always, if you have questions or comments please maintain the anonymity or ask me directly.
During Sunday's rehearsal I spoke to the former stage manager and current (assistant) director of one of the casts. Let's call that person Paddy. I have a lot of respect for Paddy. They are probably one of the few people that is entirely familiar with the situation with DA and all associated parties. I don't know why it surprised me, but I was taken aback at the bitter vitriol they expressed regarding DA and his actions. I took the opportunity to give Paddy explicit permission to tell me if my actions made a member of their cast uncomfortable. They assured me that they would and said that they believed that I would respect whatever boundaries were drawn, just as I have for the past few years.
While I know most people ignore this part, I will reiterate that I am not a recording device and that I may have misunderstood or misinterpreted the conversation between Paddy and myself. I may also be drawing the wrong conclusions. This is simply my opinion of what we discussed.
When the fuss and nonsense started for me a couple of years ago, I was upset that Paddy brought the issues up with DA's director. (DA and I were still involved at the time). Yesterday, Paddy explained why. They felt like DA had been deliberately provoking emotional responses from the other parties involved in the fuss. I was trying to avoid the area, as I had been asked. Paddy felt that DA's actions showed a complete disregard for the boundary whenever it was inconvenient. (Paddy is not the only one to have made this observation to me.)
When the threat to kick me and the other party out was made last year, DA was also mentioned. I didn't realize it, but I ended up protecting him because of my insistence that he had nothing to do with the problem. Paddy disagrees with me and says I was taking on responsibilities that aren't mine. They also told me that they wish some of the members of their cast would see that I am not responsible for the fuss and nonsense, even though they have been on the receiving end of DA's lack of consideration. That explanation helped me understand why Paddy's dislike of DA has only increased. I hadn't considered how many messes they had been forced to deal with because of DA.
That's the background for my revelation.
I have complained that I haven't had relationships closure issues like I've had with DA since I was in my early 20s. I think I have figured out some of why.
I had been in an on-again, off-again relationship with a person for nearly a year. We had a fight and I walked out on and refused to talk to him about it. I think I told everyone, but him, that I would no longer be associated with him. I didn't just break off our on-again, off again, relationship, I told anyone who would listen what a horrible human being he was. I never thought about how that made him feel. I didn't care. Everything that he did just reinforced my bad opinion of him. He could have rescued orphans from a fire and I would have found something to complain about.
The following is only speculation, but I have to wonder if the reason he was so defensive around me was because he never knew what the boundaries between us were supposed to be or why I hated him so blatantly. A number of years later that person and I had a very difficult discussion. It probably took about five minutes, but I feel that it established some boundaries between us. I feel that we have respected them ever since. I think it has made the rare occasions where we have had to share venues and spaces more comfortable for everyone.
I learned lessons from that relationship. Regardless of how acrimonious, I have tried to establish what I need and what I can offer an ex so that we can continue with our lives and our hobbies without our personal shit disrupting either. It's not that I have never been hurt by the end of relationship, but it was pain I could deal with because I knew what was expected of me. I knew the rules. Provided I followed them, I could enjoy the life I had before and during the relationship, for the most part.
I realized over this past weekend that whatever emotional and mental struggles I have had with regards to DA, it's the boundary thing that is driving me to distraction. There hasn't been a boundary established that DA acts like he needs to abide by. Every time we have interacted, the rules and boundaries change at his whim. It isn't just that my needs haven't been considered, it's that I can't predict what boundaries DA will cross today. I only know that tomorrow it will somewhow be my fault. It makes dealing with him, in any capacity, exhausting.
Talking to Paddy made me realize that DA's former relationships (including me) were the only ones protecting him from the consequences of his actions. We kept making excuses for his behavior and diverting attention from what he was doing. I noted this in my previous entry. It may have sounded like a threat. It isn't intended as one. Unless I am very mistaken, DA does not have an advocate to defend him in any of our shared social milieus for the first time since he moved to the Bay Area. (I am counting myself as someone who advocated for him last year because I am a doormat.)
I didn't realize until Saturday that I was valued enough by the Powers That Be to pay a therapist her hourly rate to address my concerns. (Yes, there is probably some CYA going on, but allow me my moment of feeling like I matter.) The therapist promised to keep DA's name out of the issues between the other party and myself. As I said yesterday, there is nothing that DA could do to help that situation.
While talking to the mediator on Saturday, I briefly mentioned the conflict DA and I had at the end of September. The mediator is not stupid and further it is her job is to hear what is left unsaid. She was able to extrapolate a pattern I missed. DA picked the fight with me right before rehearsals began. When I tried to draw a boundary and resolve the matter, DA backed away and told me to fuck off.
This is the same pattern of behavior that started the fuss and nonsense in the first place. DA told a member of Paddy's cast to fuck off because of a conflict and then instead of discussing boundaries, DA allowed misunderstandings and miscommunications turn into issues. Instead of taking ownership, DA has deflected. He has done a variation of this for the past four years and no one has been able to sit him down and come to an understanding he will respect. In every case the only option is not to play. Thus DA is not welcome in three different environments and that could increase if his behavior doesn't improve. It's a shame if he doesn't know that, but it's not my problem. Everyone, including him I think, knows that I would have continued to protect him if he hadn't been such an ass.
I know, I know, it's not my problem and that's not my revelation. I had just never realized that all the effort I have made to end my relationships cleanly, respect boundaries and otherwise realize that it's not all about me had made my life a comfortable place. It's especially impressive when you factor in the people who have known me for over half my life and have seen me be astoundingly stupid. I know of no stage or environment that I have made myself unwelcome, a fact that was reiterated to me time and time again this past weekend. The only venues that I feel uncomfortable in are because of DA's actions, not mine.
For the first time in four years, I feel that I belong and am respected. It's a wonderful feeling.
I find it funny that the song I chose is about feeling like an outcast and is sung by someone who looks incredibly mainstream. I still like the message.
Today's Song - So Am I by Avi Max
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