While he doesn't keep a blog, when he shares his writing with people he checks the log files to see when they read. I nearly snarfed my tea when he told me. I am not the only one who obsesses over the data! The funny thing that as much as we both like to express ourselves in writing, we don't write much to each other. We text, but it's light and intermittent. When we want to talk, we do phone calls. I
I learned to dislike phone calls over the past few years. It's a horrible way to talk to my husband about anything beyond who is making dinner. My mother insists on long talks on the phone. Phone calls between me and one of my previous exes usually went poorly.
Rope Guy has helped me to be more comfortable with phone calls. LT knows that I don't always feel comfortable with phone calls, so he encourages me to take my dog for a walk or do something else while we talk. Yeah, so he's a left handed teacher with ADHD. He loves music, geeky television, and puns. He gets me in ways that other people can't. Pedagogy pillow talk is really fucking hot.
I wish we could be more.
I really can't complain. There is enough in common to attract us to each other and make the effort to see each other worthwhile. However, there is enough distance to keep our relationship options limited. It would have been way too easy to take care of him or compromise his emotional needs. I think we both know that. LT and I can't be more, but we have the potential to be enough.
I am worried and anxious about interacting with him, though. I am afraid to ask him for anything or tell him my emotional state. I know it's not being realistic, but any time I want to tell him something, I come up against what he's gone through. How could I tell him about DA, for example? I can just imagine:
"No shit, there was this guy and he didn't know how to explain his emotions. I got really hurt, he got really hurt. We said awful things to each other and now we don't talk. What really sucks is that I have to see him every weekend and the not talking is really hard. Despite everything we went through, I really just miss talking to him. I feel like we will never talk again.
And then LT could respond: So, I was with the same partner for over twenty years. It wasn't a perfect marriage, but she was the first person to truly get me and understand me. I love her so much. She died a while ago after battling breast cancer. There are so many more things I wish I could tell her, ask her, and share with her. Every time I feel that way, I realize that I will never talk to her again. I am sorry to hear about your troubles with your ex, but at least you can see that he is alive and well."
I know that LT would never actually say anything like that. He might not even think it, I imagine he would be sympathetic. But as I have mentioned before, his past year puts my shit into perspective. Our grief is not a competition. We have both suffered loss. This Thanksgiving will be the first without my cousin Lisa. Last Thanksgiving was the final time we had a really intimate talk. I regret all the things my cousin and I will never talk about again. I regret all the things we never shared with each other and now things that we never will.
There are times when I want to pour my heart out to LT. I want to share my insecurities and otherwise tell him about what I am thinking and feeling about him. I haven't done so. When we talk on the phone, I make sure that I am as encouraging as possible about the people he is interested in and pursues. I have told him that I get "twingy", but that I want him to pursue whatever and whomever he wants. He was monogamous for twenty years, if exploring is what he needs to do, I want to support it. I don't want to hide my feelings from him, but I don't want to burden him unnecessarily.
We agreed, that excepting a visit to fair, LT and I wouldn't see each other until after the winter holidays. I assumed this meant that he wasn't interested and just didn't know how to tell me. I didn't understand that he made this request because he is interested and he is taking the space he needs to deal with it in a healthy manner. LT told me that I'm the only one with whom he has wanted to be intimate. (He discovered he is demisexual and so far no one else has made an emotional connection with him.) He has told me that he thinks about me and has done a lot of processing about how he feels.
Do you know how hard it has been not to ask him to share everything he is thinking about me, us? I haven't. I let him tell me what he wants, in his own time. What he has said is that he is glad that there is distance between us, but he is also very glad to have met me. I have tried to tell him similar and also express that this uncertainty is difficult for me, but that I can wait.
Yesterday LT told me that there is aspect of kink he wants to explore. He told me that he had made plans to meet with someone today. It was really hard for him to tell me. I think he was worried I would be jealous or angry. Honestly, I was pleased that he told me ahead of time. I appreciated that he was honest, even though he was afraid of what I would say. I gave him a couple of references to read and wished him well. Yes, it made me a bit twingy, but I remind myself that I have been listening to my gut since I met the man. My gut tells me to give LT all the space he needs to explore, so I am doing it to the best of my ability. It's not a hard as I thought it would be.
I think what impresses me most about LT is the way he is handling his grief. He isn't being strong or hiding his feelings. He recognizes when he is getting dragged down. He is in therapy and talks about his process. He asks for what he needs and offers what he can. I don't know what our relationship will end up being. I am learning/ about how to own my emotions and what healthy boundaries look like. I have been able to better support other people through their grief thanks to what he has shared about himself.
I have never before met someone I could fall ass-over-teakettle for and then made the conscious choice not to do so. I don't even regret the timing or the circumstance, because it feels that this is exactly the right person at the right time. I get to have this person in my life, but only if I respect the boundaries and limitations.
I guess we will see how it works out.
I decided that this entry needed some Bowie and while not a perfect match, this song was the right feel.
Today's Song - Lazarus by David Bowie
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