Due to issues outside of my control, I barely scraped through my teaching credential. I almost had to drop out of the program. My first year of teaching was incredibly challenging because I was dealing with those same issues. I jumped through the hoops, but I didn't get to enjoy the academic experience and I didn't really connect with my peers.
A few years later I was able to go back to school and finish my master's. I jumped into my thesis with both feet. For two years, I barely watched television, I didn't read books for fun, and I gave up most of my social life (only doing fair part time for example). I may have bitched and complained, but I loved every damn minute of it. I loved being a student in the classroom, reflecting on my pedagogy and in general making up for what I missed out when I got my credential. I found my academic voice and I was ready to shout.
Years of effort on my part and in my final semester, I let a penis distract me. I often joke that all of my best stories start out with, "No shit, there was this guy..." The story of how I didn't publish my thesis or continue to write starts out the same way, but it's not a story I am proud of. It goes something like this:
No shit, there was this guy. I should have realized something was wrong when he managed to make what should have been one of the biggest accomplishments of my life about his hurt feelings. I wish I had realized that I hadn't met a supportive person who would care about me, I met a little boy who wanted someone to take care of him, kiss his boo boos, and forgive his mistakes. What I have to show for all my efforts? It seems like nothing but a few trinkets and some bitter memories.
I have no published thesis, just a paper that I would have to rewrite and research, without the support of a cohort. I don't have a treasured friend; just a person who can't even talk to me openly and honestly. Even my memories of our relationship are negative because now everything I remember is seen through the lens of feeling used and thrown away.
I am not really angry at the person. I still miss him at times, but there is no longer a hole in my life where he was. He might still be a thorn in my side, but mostly I console myself because my life has a wonderful and colorful array of roses.
Over the past year I have realized how much bandwidth and effort I put aside for him while we were together. I am embarrassed at everything I did, things he didn't appreciate or care about. I am angry at myself for giving up something that I wanted for myself because he said, "I need you."
I know I am lucky. I didn't give up my career or my youth to put him through medical school or raise his children. The end of our relationship made some of my friendships better and showed me that there were people who care about me, even though I am still "twisted up over some dick". I have learned good lessons, even though they were hard ones. I am still learning.
I may feel differently some day, but whatever positive things he brought into my life are still sour. I don't like the music we shared, I haven't been able to watch the shows we were watching, thank god he wasn't much of a reader, so at least that's still untouched. There is a lot of stuff I avoid because it's associated with him. I know I will get it back someday, but I am tired of it still hurting.
I'm sure that I am more fussed today because I didn't get much sleep last night. Further, today was another day of avoiding him (which required rerouting twice, for bloody sake!). It was a thorny day, probably because despite all of my roses, I realized last night that Rachel T. MA stopped mattering to me. That was wrong, academic Rachel was important! I shouldn't have given her up for some guy. What could I have accomplished if I hadn't been such an idiot?
Since I can't answer that question, I am trying to decide what I can do now? What things do I want to accomplish for myself?
The song I chose is from the 1980s, but I heard it today and I decided that it needed to go with this entry.
Today's Song - I'm Still Standing by Elton John
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