Disclaimer: This isn't about a current situation. The anniversary of the conversation that this dialogue is based upon occurred 15 years ago, today. It was one of the first times I learned that love isn't always enough to maintain a relationship. I also learned that sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go, even though you don't want to.
INTERIOR OF A CAR, SEATS ARE GRAY CLOTH. THE CAR IS TRAVELING ALONG A HIGHWAY AT MIDDAY. JT IS A MAN IN HIS LATE 20s. HE IS DRESSED IN A TURQUOISE V-NECK T-SHIRT AND JEANS. HE IS DRIVING. RACHEL, A WOMAN IN HER EARLY 30s, IS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT. SHE IS IN A DARK PURPLE SWEATER AND BLACK JEANS. JT AND RACHEL ARE FACING THE AUDIENCE. THE ROAD IS SHOWN THROUGH THE REAR VIEW WINDOW.
RACHEL
Thank you for picking me up.
JT
Not a problem, you wanted to see me?
RACHEL
Yeah, I wanted to talk to you.
JT
Okay, what's up?
RACHEL
Well....
JT
(scowls)
Rachel...
RACHEL
Why don't you want to see me anymore?
JT
Oh, sweetie. You really don't understand, do you?
RACHEL
(bitterly)
Obviously not
JT
Rachel, I love you. I have loved you for a long time. I will probably never stop loving you. I won't see you because I love you. You want to focus on your relationship with your husband. I am giving you the space to do that.
RACHEL
(frustrated)
My husband doesn't mind our relationship.
JT
(even more frustrated)
Rachel....Dear God woman, how can you be so dense? You cannot focus on your marriage while maintaining a relationship with me. Actually strike that, you can. I cannot. I will not support your marriage. I have been the glue keeping you two together for months. It's a bad relationship. I can't make you leave it, but I don't have to support it.
RACHEL
Are you asking me to choose between my husband and you?
JT
(sighs)
No, Rachel. You should choose your husband. That's my point. If you want to stay in your marriage, you have to actually focus on it.
RACHEL
But you say you love me?
JT
(pained and nearly crying)
Yes, and that's why I am going to distance myself. I don't want to. I am going to miss the hell out of you. You have been a very important part of my life for a long time.
You know how I feel about your marriage and your husband, I can't watch you get hurt anymore. If you want to leave him, I will support you any way I can. However, unless you do, I can't be a part of your life. I can't watch you deliberately hurt yourself. I can't support you in what I feel is a bad relationship.
RACHEL
(tears slipping down her cheeks)
I understand, but I have to try and fix my marriage.
JT
I know, Rachel. It's part of why I love you. You made vows that you believe in and you want to keep them. If I didn't think that your marriage was a toxic waste dump, I would offer you anything to help you both. But I am scared for you. I see your husband starting to show troubling tendencies.
RACHEL
He would never hit me!
JT
He doesn't have to. The words are bad enough. He is isolating you and keeping you from the things you love. He is manipulating you, Rachel.
You have always been a bright spark and he is trying to dim you. I can't stand to watch it anymore. I am sorry, but until you leave him, I can't spend time with you. Please don't ask me to.
RACHEL
(nods)
JT PULLS THE CAR OVER AND DROPS RACHEL OFF IN FRONT OF AN OFFICE BUILDING. RACHEL EXITS THE CAR AND WATCHES JT'S CAR PULL AWAY. THE CAMERA FADES AS WE SEE RACHEL CRYING. THE CAMERA CHANGES TO JT AND THE AUDIENCE SEES TEARS SLIDING DOWN HIS FACE AS HE DRIVES AWAY.
JT is an amalgam of a number of people. So this scene never actually happened as written. However, in the last few months of my relationship with H2, I had similar conversations with two people. I took elements from both.
So the epilogue:
In one case, the relationship ended and the friendship was never recovered. They were right, they had been acting as the glue that was holding my marriage together. H2 and I didn't last more than a few months after we stopped seeing each other. By the time I left H2, they were caught up in their own life. There was a car accident and job changes and a new marriage. I have not seen them in years and while I miss them, not being a part of my life is still the best decision for their happiness. I do my best to respect and honor that.
The other case, the friendship was recovered, but the dynamic changed drastically. They got involved with the person who would someday become their partner. They were willing to be with me in a poly relationship when they were single. When they met the person they married, they committed to a monogamous one. I can't complain, I gained an additional friend in the bargain, one I think the world of.
I loved H2 and even though I knew that what was happening was getting pretty bad, I didn't want to see it. In retrospect, I know that "JT" was right and that I should have left earlier than I did. However, I am stubborn and I have a sense of duty to vows I make. I thought I was being honorable.
I regret losing both of the relationships that ended because of H2. However, what I regret more is that I could not see that H2 wasn't looking out for my best interests, he was mostly concerned for his own. I wish I could go back to my 30 something self and ask her to look beyond her promises and commitments and actually see what she was getting from the relationship and what she was missing.
Unfortunately, I can only read what I wrote that day fifteen years ago and remember how very much it hurt to lose those relationships. I hope that they remember me fondly.
I remember in the very early 80s, I heard my first long distance dedication on Casey Kasem's Top Forty Countdown. The writer asked for this song. I thought it was pretty then. Now that I am older, it always makes me very sad, because I better understand the regret and pain that goes with it.
Today's Song - Your Wildest Dreams - The Moody Blues
I saw DA. It hurt. It didn’t hurt for the reasons I thought it would.
A friend said (to paraphrase): How does it feel to be right, Cassandra? I know she was referring to predictions I made in August that seem to be true. Predictions I made with the relish of hurt and anger.
Right now, I wish I hadn’t (seemingly) hit things on the nose. I could be wrong, it’s not like DA is confiding in me. But my predictions were affirmed throughout the weekend by my observations, as well as other people’s.
I remember where DA ended up last year. I didn’t understand what was happening; I was too caught up in my own trauma (chronic pain which was requiring daily maintenance.) I could not be supportive of DA and I was getting cruel when saying so.
I see DA on a similar trajectory for this year, except faster and without a safety crew.
I am well aware that DA isn’t my problem and that is by his choice. I understand that I could have completely misread the situation. I could be wrong.
Last night was fantastic, except for one minor incident. I had been chatting with someone and we agreed that we would meet up last night and talk. This was at a large gathering of people, so I figured we would chat at some point. I knew they were coming from a distance, but I had seen them at this gathering before.
It was a busy night and there were a lot of people to talk to. I got caught up with Keto and then talking to some other people. I was distracted and enjoying myself.
She came over to me while I was talking (and playing with rope) with a rope top. In an incredibly bitchy tone of voice, she informed me that obviously I was not interested and how dare I have wasted her time? She then stormed off in a flounce.
I immediately began owning the blame and was about to chase after her when the rope top stopped me. "What did you two negotiate?"
"That we were going to sit down and chat tonight."
"That doesn't sound time you set a time or a duration. Were you going to leave right now?"
I shook my head no.
"Then why are you apologizing for her mistaken expectations? You could still talk to her and if she had been pleasant about it, I bet you would have."
And I realized that I didn't have to chase after her. I was not responsible for her emotions.
I still lamented a bit on the way home and the friend I carpool with said, "I think you dodged a bullet. She was meeting you at a BDSM munch. She knows what it is like. If she wanted to see you, then she should have set a time. And why she would expect you to devote all your time to her at a munch is simply wrong. She's been in the scene for a while, she should know better."
I made a sound of vague agreement.
She pressed further. "Don't let anyone make you responsible for their poor negotiation skills."
A couple of days ago I had this huge epiphany in my blog. I was really proud of myself and excited. I told my husband, KzF, Keto, and Rope Guy about it. All of my friends who read or heard about my breakthrough rallied behind me and told me how proud they were of my breakthrough.
I guess DA read the entry, I don't know. All he has responded with is that he doesn't want to deal with my emotions and that he will endeavor to make the Christmas fair pleasant and drama free. Of course, I will do my best to honor his request. However, since I have no clue what "dealing with my emotions" means, it means I just have to avoid him completely.
Here is my biased take: The first time DA and I saw each other, we hugged and he said something somewhat inappropriate. In a confused reaction, I started rambling. I didn't sob or make a lot of noise, I didn't throw myself at him. I didn't do anything but talk about how I was feeling. I saw that it was upsetting him, I got into my car and drove off with an apology.
The second time we met, I had carefully put together an agenda so we wouldn't hit any difficult topics. DA decided that I had to know that his girlfriend (Secondary) would be participating in the fair. (This was not on the agenda and it seems to me that he could figure out that telling me about his girlfriend also doing fair might cause a negative response.)
He was inconsiderate of my feelings and then blamed me for my emotional reaction. I found out near the end of our conversation that Secondary was very upset with him and had read him the riot act the night before. This, of course, had no impact on our discussion. It was my fault that he was emotional.
The last time we met, DA decided that he needed to confide something to me that was incredibly personal and something he shouldn't have told me if he didn't want an emotional response. He didn't ask me or warn me. He just asked that I not write about what was said. What he said was difficult to process. I didn't cry. I didn't get angry. I did my best to be supportive and offer my sympathy and advice.
He went away for over a week and I did not contact him at all. When he got back, I tried to ask him if we could discuss what was said, because it was a big fucking deal and he just dumped it on me and then left. I was clumsy, frustrated and I botched up the asking with suppressed emotions and an inability to express myself. That's what prompted the epiphany, I didn't know how to say, "Hey, you dumped something big on me, can we talk about it?"
DA asked that we stop the conversation. I stopped and I haven't spoken with him since.
The reason I did not wait to share my epiphany is because it was my damn epiphany and only has a little bit to do with him. I also did not share the precise request I was making of him because he asked me not to mention the incident in my blog, so I just used the vague phrase "deal with my emotions" because that is the line I try to walk. And yes, I am walking the line, because I have mentioned the incident at all. I just want people to understand that I am not being a crazy ex, stalking DA. He told me something that requires processing. If he didn't want to deal with my need to process, he should not have fucking told me without warning me. Since he did tell me, I feel that shutting me down and refusing to talk to me is cruel and given that it is a couple of days prior to rehearsals, it's asking a lot of me, given that I have been sitting on this for over two weeks.
I can't force DA to follow up on what he told me or help me deal with it. I can't keep sending him explanations about what I was trying to tell him. I can just take the lesson that he is not to be trusted and that talking to him will always go badly for me.
I really wish that he wouldn't read my blog; he can't seem to separate what I write from my actions.
I fully admit that many of my emotions aren't pretty. I know that blog is an emotional sausage factory. DA said he doesn't want to deal with my emotions. All right, then why does he choose to read my blog. When I made this observation to a friend, he told me, "Well just remove DA from the list."
DA isn't on any list. He receives no notification if I have posted or not. My guess is that he checks my blog periodically and reads whatever has been posted since the last time he checked. There are often multiple checks per day, but as I have mentioned, I am not tracking IP addresses, so I don't know who precisely is reading my blog. I do know that If DA wants to read my blog, he has to take an action and refresh a webpage. I am not making him deal with my raw and messy emotions, he is choosing to do so.
I realized this morning that I don't have to accommodate DA. I would not change my blogging habits to spare him from my emotions. I am not going to walk around the christmas rehearsals or the fair like some kind of robot, pretending I don't feel things.
I stand by my promise, I am not looking for drama at fair. I don't want public scenes or nasty fights. DA is welcome to do whatever he feels is necessary to protect himself. However, I am not going to pretend that I don't feel things so he is comfortable. He dumped something on me and now he's not owning his lack of negotiation and communication skills. That isn't my problem and I won't let it be. I won't change my behavior because he told me something he shouldn't have.
Today's song occurred to me in the shower. I was thinking of the idea of being a robot and thus I found the line I selected for my title. Given that the album is the first one I ever bought (I was 11 and it's still my guilty pleasure) it was an easy choice.
In 2002, the man I was dating at the time, Jack, wanted to buy me a gift. He specifically wanted to buy me something I would not buy for myself. He made me tell him that I wanted one of the woven wraps sold at fair. They were rather expensive, far more than I could afford.
He took me to the booth. The shopkeeper carefully arranged the wrap and then turned me around to show Jack. He smiled that crooked grin of his and said, "Well?"
I looked at him questioningly, I didn't know what he wanted.
"Do you like it?"
I nodded.
"Do you want it?"
I nodded again.
"Then tell me."
I think I jumped up and down like a 7 year old and said "please, please." I still have that wrap and it is as gorgeous as the day it was given to me.
I was reminded of that incident yesterday. I will be attending a convention. Rope Guy and Keto are both going as well. Keto and I are sharing a room, but we really haven't discussed things beyond that we are going. RG and I have been negotiating what time we would like to spend together, since he is attending without his primary.
I was having trouble figuring out what to do when RG made the following suggestion (posted without permission) "How would it be if you and I planned to spend some time together each day, without monopolizing one another? I want us both to be able to experience as much as we can."
It's so obvious and brilliant. I felt like an idiot that someone else had to point it out to me. I am making the same suggestion to Keto. I also realized why Keto and I haven't negotiated or discussed what we are doing during the convention. He is waiting for me to tell him what I want.
I realized last night that Keto is so worried that I will leave that he is not going to tell me anything that he thinks will upset me. He will tell me anything I ask him. However, he needs to feel safe and know that I really want to hear his thoughts and opinions. If I just give him an open-ended question, I am putting all of the pressure on him. I know very well how Keto feels. I have felt that way in nearly every relationship I have been in. I am always afraid that the person will leave.
Jack was the first person who made me realize that I am supposed to ask for things I want. He had to cajole, push, and sometimes outright force me, and I usually responded like a seven-year old. I had never learned how to ask for things like an adult. My parents never taught me to ask for what I wanted. I learned, quite early, that the answer was always no. If I made a scene, the punishment would be quick and severe. If I was a good girl, I was given things without asking. I learned to be good and hope that I would get something akin to what I wanted. There were no letters to Santa, no birthday wish lists and my grandmother was the only adult who asked me what I wanted when presents were involved.
I have spent most of my life waiting for things to be given to me. If I didn't get them, I assumed that I had done something wrong.
There is a lot to unpack here and I don't want to do it now. But while this has many negatives, there is one positive that I found and I think that is why I seem to move on so quickly from ended relationships. The worst thing that can happen to me is to have someone leave. I figured that I drove them away and that I am responsible. However, because I was taught to never ask for things, I have rarely, if ever, gone to an ex to ask them for something. I did ask Jack for something after we broke up, but it was a transaction, I was collecting on an outstanding emotional debt (and it was 8 years after we parted).
I also realized that if I end the relationship, I am more than willing to allow the person back into my life. If they "leave" (because they are abandoning me and yes that's hypocritical) the likelihood of us creating a new relationship decreases dramatically. They have already done the worst thing anyone can do to me in a relationship. I tried to be good and they left. I tried my best and I wasn't good enough. Why should I ever put any effort into them or a relationship with them again?
There are exceptions and it's because the person was able to understand my fear of abandonment and address it. They were able to tell me that leaving was a mistake and they can't imagine not having me in their life. They learned that the relationship dynamic changed drastically because I no longer have any motivation to be "good". I will be the first to admit it's shitty and I need to change it. I never realized it until last night. I should never have tried to be "good" in the first place. I should have just told the person what the hell I wanted from the start.
I am determined that this revelation is going to benefit Rope Guy and Keto. I am not going to worry that they are going to leave. I am going to tell them what I want. They can say yes or no and they will only be answering a question. A "no" isn't akin to abandonment.
If you are curious about last night's entry, it's the flip side. If DA and I are ever going to have something beyond peaceful coexistence, he is going to have to understand that I have already realized my greatest fear. He left. After three years of me doing everything I could to be "good", he left anyway. I wasn't "good enough".
I told him that he never had cause to doubt my feelings for him. He countered that my blog entries (among other things) made him question my feelings for him. I can see his point. I have said some pretty nasty things. I will fully admit that our relationship was toxic and reading through past entries of my journal, I can see it plain as day. I said awful things and I take responsibility for them.
As to what I wrote before we broke up, I can only say that he is right, and I wish we had been in a space to discuss what I was writing. I think it would have been beneficial. As for what I wrote after he said goodbye, that is none of his business. When one person ends a relationship, the other person leaves. There is not discussion of what is wanted, needed or what would be supportive. I followed through on that contract. I left. I packed up all my emotional baggage and took it with me. If I wrote in my public journal about what I was feeling and processing, that is my business. I could have been more accommodating and made this journal private, but DA has to take an action to read it. We are not friends on Facebook. Further, while most of you know who he is, a search of his name would not connect him to my blog. I know he does not appreciate what I write when it is about him.
I can do polite coexistence, I believe I am to that point. However, my imaginary friend, JT, is right. Any interaction with DA will hurt. The easiest thing for me to do is to keep any contact to a minimum and let time heal the wounds. I won't unpack that baggage without a damn good reason. I know DA has been reading my blog and while I won't count on him reading this, I will state this for him and anyone else to read.
I am very glad that I met DA. He opened my eyes to many things and brought me back to the world. I did not stay in a relationship because of fear, doubt, or because it was horrible and toxic and I was too stupid to leave. There is a lot of positive that I take from this relationship. I love DA and for good reason. And yes, I still love him. I don't fall in love easily and while I may move on from a relationship, that doesn't end loving someone. I still love Jack and I haven't spoken to him in years.
I have learned probably the most valued lesson of my life (so far). I can't simply be "good" and hope I will get what I want. I need to articulate clearly and directly and accept a yes with gratitude and a no with grace.
I did not give that to DA for most of our relationship. I regret that deeply. I simply did not know how. I can do that now and I am trying to.
I would tell him, if I could, that should he want back into my life, I need a better reason than peaceful coexistence at the fair. It took a lot of work for me to pack up the emotional baggage and walk away when he said goodbye. It was right, it was needful and it was probably the best thing for us at the time. That doesn't change that it was emotionally devastating for me.
"But what about DA's feelings? Don't you think it was equally difficult for him?"
I do not doubt for a second that it was difficult. But the moment he said, "Goodbye Rachel", my obligation to give a damn about his feelings was ended. If he wants me to care about his feelings again, then I want him to deal with mine. I want him to understand that I felt abandoned and unworthy. I want him to understand how it affected me and why it makes it hard for me to trust him again. I want him to understand that. And then I want him to tell me why he wants me in his life again. He threw me away and I left. If he wants me back in his life, even as a friend, he is going to have to tell me what he needs or wants from me.
He can ask me for what he wants. If it is something I can provide, I will say yes. If it is something I cannot, I will say no. Either answer has to be acceptable.
There are a number of people who delight and enjoy in my attention. If I engage with DA, I am taking energy from them to devote emotional labor to him. I need a better reason than "so I can talk to you at the Christmas fair if I get lonely or bored ".
DA can say yes to my request. He can say, 'I will try to deal with your feelings' and I will accept with gratitude. DA can say no, and I will accept it with grace. Regardless of his answer, I will do my best to make sure that our time at the christmas fair is peaceful and drama free. To do so is as much to my benefit as it is for his.
"Rachel?" you may ask, "why don't you tell him this directly?"
I tried and was unable to do so. That was the epiphany I had and it was after we had closed communication for the night. DA has not reopened it and so until he does, he will hear nothing from me directly. However, I write this blog with the knowledge that he reads it, so I am taking advantage of that now. Also, those of you who are doing the Christmas fair with me, can hold me to my statement, that I will behave and keep the peace.
I think I have used this song before, but it applies so I am using it again.
I heard this song last weekend at one of the games I was playing. It has been haunting me ever since.
I had a bit of an epiphany tonight about how I am feeling and what I need. I am still processing through it. So I am just going to share the song and let it percolate.
In 2009, I was given a lesson in patience. Pardon, a lesson in patience crashed into my life and made me it's bitch. While I was shopping at a Victorian fair that year, there was a shop that had tarot card charms. I saw a pendant and knew that it was what I was looking for, even though I hadn't realized that I had been looking for something. The pendant was a Hanging Man. I wore the necklace daily for months while I waited for my lesson to resolve itself. Anytime that I would get wound up, I would touch the tracings on the pendant and find some peace. I have no idea where the pendant is, I think I removed it when the lesson was learned. Regardless, that particular tarot card holds a special place in my heart. It reminds me that sometimes the only answer is to be patient and wait and that waiting isn't death.
I did a tarot reading about where I am at currently. I don't believe that there is anything magical or spiritual about an online website that generates a reading based on a few algorithms. I have found that doing readings this way helps me process through a problem since the cards give me a way to reframe or change perspective. If you click the link, you can see what I got. I used a Celtic Cross pattern, since it is the one I learned. I have been using the site for years.
Well, another lesson has decided to take my life by storm. Once again, I bought a tailsman for myself while I was at the local Ren Faire. It is the same people that sold me the pendant so many years ago. I did not get a tarot pendant this time, although I did look at them. Instead I chose four bone charms. There is a partial moon face and three stars. I am not sure how to explain the charms or their placement. I will just say that it is meaningful to me. I took a quick snap if you are curious. I want something of myself in the necklace, so I went bead shopping. I am planning on making the necklace into something I can wear daily. I am hoping that I can make it for suitable to wear during the Christmas fair, so I let my character pick some of the beads. This might sound strange, but I have been playing Faith Ramsbottom for 10 years. She is a distinctive voice in my head. She has opinions about what she wears as her garb at the fair, how her hair is done and how she looks. She also has some distinct opinions about my personal life. Hmm, I think that a conversation with her might be interesting to write down. Faith tends to represent my Id and it's useful to have it personified at times.
The lesson seems to do with emotional connections (big surprise). I know that the configuration of the charms is important although I couldn't say why. Keto was with me when I made the purchase. I could see his curiosity, but I told him that it was a symbolic purchase, and that it was a similar to why I got my tattoo.
Oh right. So I got a tattoo on my right leg a few weeks ago (September 25). I wanted people to have a chance to see it in person before I posted a picture. This was taken right after it was done. Now that it
"Lucy felt a little frightened, but she felt very inquisitive and excited as well. She looked back over her there, between the dark tree-trunks, she could still see the
open doorway of the wardrobe and even catch a glimpse
of the empty room from which she had set out. (She had,
of course, left the door open, for she knew that it is a very
silly thing to shut oneself into a wardrobe.) It seemed to
be still daylight there. "I can always get back if anything
goes wrong," thought Lucy.
She began to walk forward, crunch-crunch, over the snow and through the wood
towards the other light. In about ten minutes she reached it and found that it
was a lamp-post. As she stood looking at it, wondering
why there was a lamp-post in the middle of a wood and
wondering what to do next, she heard a pitter patter of
feet coming towards her. And soon after that a very strange
person stepped out from among the trees into the light of
the lamp-post."
There are a lot of reasons that I chose the lamp-post. I have many fond memories of my grandfather reading the Narnia books to me. I loved them so much that my grandfather bought me a boxed set of the books, a set I still have on my shelf. I always liked the the lamp-post because of what it symbolizes as a beacon both into Narnia and out of it. It was not the first tattoo I planned, but it was the right one to start with.
It seems I am going through a symbol phase.
RG wrote this to me in an email. (I am quoting without permission): "I agree there was a strong connection in class. I have no clue yet what dynamic is likely to emerge between us, though, so I don’t have a sense yet of what else I might like to try with you. If you’re sensing something, though, or feeling drawn to a particular activity with me, maybe we can find a way to talk about it."
I feel like Keto and RG are asking me to take a more significant role in creating these relationships. Keto has decided, at least for now, that he is not interested in pursuing any other relationships. RG has some people he plays with, but outside of his primary, he isn't in any other relationships.
I think that one of my problems is that I don't act, I react. I always have the snappy comeback. I know how the problem ought to be fixed. I can handle anything that life throws at me. However, when it comes to taking a step forward, I am paralyzed.
I feel that the most beautiful moment in the book and in the movie of the The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe is when Lucy comes out of the wood and into the circle of light of the lamp-post. She took an action without knowing the outcome or having a guarantee as to what would happen. Lucy believed in Narnia even though her sister and her brothers thought she was making it up.
I have my lamp-post and my moon and stars (which is not meant to be a Game of Thrones reference) to guide me. I am going to step forward toward the light and hope that the adventure I discover is better than being shut up in a wardrobe.
Coming up with a song for today was really difficult. Nothing seemed to fit. There are times when the song feels painfully obvious or too pointed. This is not one of those times, so I decided to take a song that is rich with symbolism and meaning. Who better than The Doors?
I went to my first rope class last Thursday night. I had been “in rope” before, but either by a rigger who knew what they were doing or just playing around. I have never attended a technique class before. (I have tried tying people up, but I am not a natural and if I am going to do it again, it will be after I take some classes.)
Rope Guy (because look at how creative I can be at naming people) is someone who found me on Fetlife over a year ago. We ran into each other at a munch a few months ago. As I may have mentioned, we have some things in common with regards to our personal situations. We seem to have hit it off and decided to see where things develop.
Keto and RG met each other at a munch that I had to miss. They had a good moment when they realized they are both involved with me. Keto and I have had a number of discussions about what being poly is and I think that he’s more comfortable with me and the fact that I am a slut (an ethical one in the most positive sense of the term). RG is married, but he and his wife are still figuring out their poly comfort levels. There is probably an entry about being poly coming down the pike sooner than later.
RG did the introductory class with someone else. His partner found that it wasn’t to their taste so RG asked me if I would join him for the second series of classes. These are specifically Shibari classes. I figured that I was curious enough that I would at least give it a try. I am so glad that I did. It was a transcendent experience. I have seen people get tied up before, but I have never seen it like the instructors did it.
I never thought of rope play being akin to dancing, but now that I think of it, the parallel is obvious. There is a lead and a follow (the rigger and the rope bottom). The rigger leads the movements. The bottom has to trust their partner to lead them through the movements and navigate the choreography demanded by the rope and the tie that is intended. The rigger moved in time to the music and it was a gorgeous and intimate thing to see. I am not sure how to describe the beauty of watching them perform.
After watching the instructors, RG and I tried to do the full Ebi tie. I did not realize it, but I started Pilates so that I could handle being in ropes. The way that the shoulders need to be is similar to how shoulders are positioned for a number of the exercises I have been doing. The fold in the middle is something I have been working toward as well. It took a little finessing, but within a few minutes, I was fully folded into the tie.
The instructor suggested that we use blindfolds (which we knew before walking in). I agreed to the blindfold. I don't like to wear my glasses when I play, so I can't see. I usually close my eyes during play anyway, so seeing during a scene isn't usually important to me.
The instructor complimented us on the connection and the fact that we adjusted and adapted as we learned what I was able to handle. She was aware that I was new, so that made the compliment really feel good.
I do not know how to describe what being tied up was like. Meditation has been recommended to me for years and I don't like doing it. It's hard and I don't see the point. In rope, I get it. It's not that I suddenly went to a quiet space and discovered the secrets of the universe. I kept having to drag myself back to the moment, but since there was something to focus on (the way I was tied and the connection to my partner) I was able get closer to a meditative state than I ever had before. My body was ready to come out of the tie long before my mind was. I carried that peaceful space with me well into the next day. The feeling of being truly centered was very powerful.
The next class is not for a few weeks (it only meets once a month). However, RG suggested we plan to meet up to play again. He told me that tying me up was as satisfying for him as it was for me. He is a good partner. I found him to be very intuitive and we seem to share a similar rhythm.
I am learning so much about the language of touch. I don't know if I am more aware of it or if Keto and RG are better at working with my limited vocabulary, but either way, the rope helps me realize how touch is a nuanced style of communication. I still don't "speak" touch with a lot of fluency, but I am starting to understand it better. (If I haven't said, Keto, KzF and Rope Guy are all riggers with varying levels of skill, so rope play is on the menu.)
I know I am not doing my first shibari experience justice. All I can say is that it felt like dancing and RG is an excellent lead.
Today's song is an oldie, but seemed very appropriate.
My self perspective just changed in a very significant way. I am not HSV2+. I do have herpes, but it is the HSV1 strain, not HSV2. I was getting a STI panel and my doctor included the herpes blood test. I wasn't surprised (although pleased) to find everything is negative as expected. However, I was astonished to find out that I had been wrong about my infection all these years. I have always been asymptomatic, but to find out that it's because I am don't have the strain I had always assumed is coming as a bit of a shock. (When I was diagnosed, the test was different and less precise than it is now.)
I will speak with my current and former partners (recent ones) and let them know as a courtesy. One of the people I should speak to is on vacation so I will wait until they return to let them know. I don't believe the news is worth interrupting them while they are away. I am only saying something here in case they happen to read my blog and wonder why they haven't heard from me. (It is only a small concern, because. again, they are on vacation).
The other thing is that I have just had a bunch of tests run and apparently I am not as old as I thought. The issues I thought indicated the beginnings of menopause were related to medical issues that have been addressed by better medication, diet, exercise and a reduction in stress. My body gleefully reminded me today that I am still quite female. My Friday plans have been put on hold for practical reasons, since attending the *ahem* party while being on my period is not conducive to enjoying myself.
I don't know how to process all of this. It's all good news (albeit somewhat inconvenient). I don't know how to explain that finding out that I am HSV1+ and am still fertile changes everything about how I think. I do not know how this will change my actions.
My phone served up today's song and I can't think of one more apt. So today is brought to you by the Indigo Girls. (The fact that this song was recorded in 1988 is something I won't dwell on.)
I tried. I really tried to run away and hide. Things with KzF got frustrating and I tried to duck and cover out of the way. The man had the temerity, the gall I tell you, to not let me get away with it. We had a reasonable conversation and managed to come to a resolution. We have tentative plans for Friday night.
He told me that he is quite fond of me. I think I failed my hide and not be sought roll.
Rope Guy (new person) is someone that I have been chatting with for quite a while. We have a number of things in common. He went away to a convention last weekend. He told me that he would be thinking about me. I received a very sweet e-mail from him last night. We are getting together for our first rope class on Thursday. He says he is looking forward to it.
Keto asked about seeing me tomorrow night. We planned to go to the Ren Faire this weekend.
Wait, what? Why do these people want to spend time with me. I am so damn broken.
I am not looking for validation here. I am just flummoxed. How did this happen? I have never been the poly person who has to keep a careful schedule, but now I am. While I don't really believe in hierarchical polyamory (a secondary, a tertiary, etc), I never had to juggle this many people. I never really wanted to. I am to the point now where I have to keep and carefully check a calendar before making plans. I think I am officially overbooked and I am not including two potential flings and the person who wants to get to know me better.
I have been turning people down, although the 23 year old (another potential fling) is someone I can't quite convince myself to dismiss. He's so damn cute.
The problem is that I am anxious. I have been talking a lot with KzF and others about pleasing my partners. I never learned that I am supposed to ask for what I want. I should advocate for it. I need to declare for it. I am just so used to doing what I think is expected and being resentful. I know that has got to stop and I am at a loss as to how. (I have a book sitting on my kindle that is supposed to help).
KzF wants me to join him at one of *ahem* those sorts of parties this Friday night. I want to go. Keto said it wasn't his cup of tea and I have been paralyzed since. I haven't responded about getting together tomorrow night. I haven't followed up about Saturday. I am just worried that he will disapprove, even though I know a) it isn't Keto's business how I spend my time and b) that if Keto isn't able to deal with a Poly, kinky and yes, let's use the word promiscuous, Rachel, then he won't be happy in any sort of relationship with me.
I have been taught that being open and honest about my sexuality is wrong. I am supposed to be a good girl and make my partner happy. What did being a good girl get me? Oh right...well no need to open that can of worms. I guess I need to learn how to take care of my needs and quit giving a damn if it bothers other people. As I said to a friend recently, I saw someone act like a total ass and hurt people and yet they still have friends and people who defend them. The world is not going to hate me, and the people who do? Why should I care?
Regrettably, I couldn't read a calendar yesterday. The psych appointment is this Thursday. All is not lost, though. I got in a fantastic work out last night and I am gaming tonight. These are both things that help my anxiety. I'll write back to Keto. I will just answer his questions and talk about my concerns in person either tomorrow or more likely on Saturday. If I want to go to the damn party, I will, with fucking bells on.
I love surf style music, so I had to include this as today's song. I don't always like PMJ, but man. can they nail a style.
A (partial) morning in the life of someone with anxiety disorder.
Wake up
0313 - wake up from sleep. Check my phone out of habit. Realize it’s the middle of the night.
See the notification that arrived 4 hours earlier about an email that I have been dreading.
Read email.
Breathe.
Try not to swear because the email required emotional bandwidth I don’t have.
Feel my heart pound.
Accept sleep is no longer on the table.
Respond to email.
Edit response
Edit response again
Edit response another time
Try to take out anything emotionally triggering or incendiary.
Rewrite email so that it makes sense.
Admit that I've spent way too long on the email and send it.
Get up
Function in Sleep Deprived Mode
0600 - Shower, try not to think about anything. Fail, think about e-mail
Read sent email, agonize over typos and grammar errors.
Get dressed in clothes I set out the night before.
0620 - Read work email that tells me to support teachers by wearing blue. Realize that I am wearing pink and it’s too late to come up with an appropriate blue outfit.
agonize about the wrong clothes
Check outfit. Realize that intended shoes aren’t where I thought. Choose other shoes, find socks.
Check outfit again. Roll cuffs on pants.
reroll cuffs, fuss some more.
0630 - Feed the animals. Worry that I am neglecting them.
Pack up lunch and grab everything by the door and head to work.
Work Day
0700 - Due to testing schedule, I had to be at work by 0740. Due to anxiety, I arrived early.
Check over classroom to make sure that it will pass an audit.
0710 - Read email again.
Realize that something could be misconstrued and write addendum.
Edit addendum
Edit addendum again.
Edit addendum a third time. State time and availability.
Realize that I will be late to picking up tests, send addendum as is because I won’t be able to look at a computer for a long while and it’s better sent than pending.
0745 - pick up tests
Testing coordinator tells me that I am one of his best proctors as he hands me the materials. Try not to obsess about screwing up all the way back to my classroom.
0800 - Check students in for test. Agonize about every name I can’t remember. Try to maintain calm presence in front of students, some of whom I've just met.
Carefully go through detailed and exacting test procedure trying to maintain patience and humor.
Deal with questions from anxious students worried about their results.
Begin test
Make first cup of coffee
I could keep going, but you get the idea. When my anxiety is bad, it's really bad.
I was at a gaming convention this past weekend. Usually I feel fairly relaxed at conventions, gamers are not known for their advanced social skills. It didn't matter. I just felt like I was always saying the wrong things, being an insensitive ass and overall being that privileged white girl. I know it was not reasonable or rational, but as I have noted, my anxiety is rarely rational.
I am due to see my psychiatrist today, so I plan to discuss my anxiety with her. I am worried that her answer is going to be upping my anxiety medication, which I am afraid will mess with my creativity or my engagement with the world.
Today's song isn't really appropriate, but it's what has been going on in my head all morning.
Last night I was referred to as "my Rachel". Keto had told someone that I couldn't attend the munch last Friday due to my car being broken into. Last night, Keto and I were at a local munch and someone came up to us and said, "Oh, is this your Rachel?"
I am impulsive. I tend to jump into relationships. As I was telling a gal pal last night, I am far more willing to get into physical relationships with people. It's much simpler than messy emotional ones. I thought that is what I was getting into with Keto, a physical play relationship. I seem to be mistaken.
I know I am being very hypocritical that I am respecting Keto's privacy when I haven't done the same for a number of other people. Life is seldom fair and in this regard I can't be either. I have decided that I will try to be more circumspect about sharing things about DA. However, my blog, my rules and I make no promises to be fair.
Anyway, there are a number of reasons that things with Keto are different. In the past few months, I realized that most people didn't learn about being lonely the way I did. I didn't grow up with siblings or close friends. I lived in my own world of imagination. I loathe being alone, so I learned at a very young age how to make sure that I didn't have to be alone unless I want to be.
This is why I am desperately afraid of not being liked. I think this might be why I don't like to share myself emotionally with other people. Provided I am happy and fun Rachel, I will always have people to keep me company. No one wants someone with actual emotions and feelings, so I don't show them.
Obviously that does not always work and people manage to make connections with me, despite my feints and dodges.. My husband and I have an emotional connection. It took years to build and it was not easy, but we have one. There is a reason I married him. My housemate and I share an emotional connection. I have a few friends I would say the same about. However, if I am really honest, I am not sure I can say that I have one with my own children. I love them dearly and they are very important to me. However, the idea of sharing my emotions with them scares me, especially given how they grew up.
Keto lives up on his mountain with his projects and his work. He has chosen to live alone for the past number of years. I thought that is how he wanted his life to be. Why would anyone live that way otherwise?
The warmth and joy he put into the words "My Rachel" rang like a bell. This wasn't an ownership thing, it was "My Rachel" as opposed to the other Rachel who was going to be at the munch. I began to realize that he isn't interested in a play partner, although that is something that attracts him. He wants a friend, a connection, a person in his life. He wants me. Everything I tell him just reinforces that idea. It's not all the things we have in common. We don't have much in common at all. I can keep up with him intellectually. But he skies, I have never even tried. He scuba dives, I can only snorkel and I have never gone. He has always lived in the country, I have always lived in cities and suburbs. He has a hard science degree, I have a BA.
He is interested because he's never met anyone like me. (Does anyone have a copy of the Care and Feeding of Wild Rachels I could loan him?)
I tried to use my usual tactics to avoid the emotional part and well, they haven't worked. I don't have a choice in the matter. Keto has lived alone for a long time. If he wanted a physical partner, he would have one. He wants a connection. He wants a connection with me. He wants an actual, authentic, connection.
I realized that last night or at least it was clarified with me last night. We played for the first time in a couple of weeks at the venue we were at. It was a very simple scene. I was bent over the table in a dress and heels. Keto was using his new leather paddle. I am still marveling at the skill of someone who is exacting and knows precisely what they are doing. The timing, the varying intensity and his awareness of my body language was amazing. I felt myself sinking into that wonderful place where my mind and body surrender and I can let go for a little while. After the stress of the past few days, it was wonderful.
After we finished, I snuggled up next to Keto to get my pets and cuddles. I felt floaty and safe and that was even better. That's when it hit me, that's what an emotional connection with my play partner meant. That is what it could be like every single time.
Keto did this all without talking to me. There is touch. There is the play. There has been communication, but as we noted, we haven't actually had a long conversation about limits, scenes or planning. It's not that things have been spontaneous, it's just that we've developed a connection.
I don't quite know what to make of all of this. I don't know what to do with a person who refuses to let me hide behind my words and diversionary tactics. When I met Keto, I didn't think this would be the outcome. I didn't think I would be someone's Rachel. I just thought I would be a temporary playmate.
I don't know how to feel about this, much less how I feel about it. I guess that is the way it's supposed to be, not having the entire relationship mapped out before you start?
I don't even know who today's song applies to. I am really just not sure how to process anything. I am desperately far out of my wheelhouse. Obviously the big hair of the 80s will have my answer.
So I mentioned a break up from when I was 21 and how difficult it had been. One of the things that complicated the whole mess is that my roommate ended up dating the guy soon after he and I stopped seeing each other. It was...messy.
We were all in the same guild for Renaissance Fair, so if you want to talk about close quarters, I can't think of worse ones. That year I was playing a leadership role in our guild. One of my jobs was policing the guild yard and making sure it stayed clean and "period" (no anachronisms showing during faire hours). I didn't actively work against my ex or my roommate. However, I got a lesson in what charisma and sway meant. I was making them targets just by radiating my anger and frustration with them.
The way I remember it is that while my ex was mostly left alone, my roommate became the group's pariah. There was one day when a number of the guild-members came to tell me that my ex and my roommate were kissing in the guild yard (which was against guild policies).
I was already dealing with the fallout of being the "crazy" ex and the well-meaning guildmembers sounded so catty and delighted to tell me that my ex and my roommate were canoodling, it set me off. I stormed over to the guild yard in full maelstrom mode. The sun darkened in my path. People followed me to watch what would likely be an epic fight. Birds fled and dogs howled.
I got to the guild yard and called my roommate's name. I then opened up my arms and gave her a big hug and told her how much I missed her. (While I am calling her roommate for the sake of the story, she had since moved out.) Because it was during fair hours, I acted as though she had just returned from a long trip. I slung an arm around her shoulders and gently guided her away from the disappointed spectators. I then quietly reminded her that kissing her boyfriend should be done back stage and wished her a pleasant day.
I don't remember if I apologized to her for making her life miserable at that point or not. I do know that she said something like: (and this was 20 years ago, so I am sure that this is more in my head) Rachel is a wonderful friend, but God help you if you get on her bad side, you will find yourself friendless and alone before you knew she was angry.
It was many years before that roommate and I had another interaction. We mostly avoided each other. We saw each other at a mutual friend's wedding. (The ex was there too.) I ended up dragging her through an Irish dance (she is an incredible dancer and was one of my favorite partners). It was wonderful and while I wouldn't say we are tight and close friends, we are connected on social media and I have learned a lot about how and why things happened the way they did. I am very glad to understand.
I know that I can be a vindictive bitch. I give people my absolute loyalty. I am not particularly kind when I feel betrayed. I also know that I can be influential and have made life miserable for people I am upset with. I often feel it is deserved. I am not sure I would call it a character flaw, but I know my feelings about loyalty and betrayal aren't one of my more endearing traits. I also know that the flip side is what makes me a valued member of social groups, because I can create community networks that feel secure.
I feel that DA betrayed me and my trust. I think he made a number of poor choices. I am angry. I am being a vindictive bitch. I believe that some of my behavior is justified. I also know that I can't see the proverbial forest for the trees.
I am hurt and angry. I feel that I am being immature. I know that this
is a process I also have to go through. I have avoided deeply emotional
attachments for most of my life (thank you broken and emotionally
unavailable parents). I connected with DA in a way that I rarely do with
people, much less with a romantic partner. Dealing with the loss has
been incredibly challenging and painful.
DA and I had a conversation last night. It was productive, although it did not resolve all of the conflicts between us. We did come to an agreement about the Christmas fair. DA offered to quit the fair. I believe that it was a sincere offer. We discussed some of the challenges we both faced and after some wrangling, we agreed that we can both occupy the venue. It won't be easy, but it will be possible if we both stick to what was agreed.
So here is my guild yard moment: I have said horrible and awful things about DA. I have tried to be truthful. I have tried to say how I am feeling and not put feelings or words into DA's mouth. However, see above about being a vindictive bitch. I have no wish for him to be ostracized or excluded from social groups. We are both grown ups and we will act appropriately in public. I would never ask my friends to choose between us and if I have made you feel like you should, I am very regretful. That was never my intention.
DA made it very clear that he is not asking me to censor what I write, so my mea culpa is not part of our agreement. He has stated that he disagrees with my choice to air my dirty laundry in a public forum. I believe that he is unhappy that said dirty laundry involves him, but he made it clear that it is his problem, not mine. I told him, in the course of our discussion, why I keep this blog. It is important to me and has been very helpful for allowing me to process my feelings and emotions. I believe that this blog is one of the big reasons that my anxiety and depression have been easier to control and cope with.
While there is a part of me that would like to drag DA to his knees, begging and pleading for my forgiveness and asking that we get back together, I believe that we desperately needed to get apart from one another. I think that the relationship was toxic and that I needed to go through the past few months. I am just as responsible for the break up as DA is and if I haven't made that clear, I want to clarify that now.
I think that DA can be a dumbass and he could have been far more considerate about my feelings during our last meeting. I feel that his actions during our in-person meeting in September made things far worse than they had to be. I also know that DA is a master at saying the worst possible thing, in the worst possible way, at the worst possible time. It's uncanny how completely he can fuck up a conversation. I have observed it a number of times. That doesn't make what happened or what was said less painful, but it's not like I don't know that DA is an expert at sticking his foot in his mouth.
My feelings about DA are my own. I appreciate how supportive everyone is being, but I hope everyone knows that there are two sides to any break up. I do not know how to do break ups that hurt like this, so I am soldiering through the best I can. Even if DA told me that he and the new girl were completely over and done with and that he wanted to resume our romantic relationship, I would say no. As much as I miss him, ending the relationship has lifted a huge amount of stress from my shoulders.
My hope is that if DA and I can manage to share the Christmas fair venue and clear up some of the toxic crap that we have built up, we could work on building a healthy relationship when we are both in a position to do so. I'll be happy in the short term if we can get through the fair and both gain something positive.
I am not promising to stop spouting negative stuff about DA. I am worried that it's going to be rough seeing him and that will likely come out here. However, having spoken with him and some other people, I think that it's better if we don't take any extreme actions like either of us quitting. I still feel that part of the problem between us is that we weren't talking. I am hoping that last night's conversation results in more positive interactions and better communication.
Tomorrow I will return you to my usual whinging and kvetching.
Today's song, "Nothing Else Matters" has long been a favorite. It's a waltz I have always enjoyed dancing to. I remember dancing it with the ex, with my roommate and I probably have danced it with DA. So while the lyrics might not be totally appropriate, this version came up on Youtube, so I decided it would be today's song. I miss waltzing.
When I was 21, I went through a very difficult breakup. I won't bother going into the history. I will leave it at that there was blame on both sides and due to our ages, things went quite poorly. Friends were lost and some relationships never recovered from the fallout.
I learned a couple of difficult lessons. I learned that no one wants to deal with a clingy ex who can't get a clue. I also learned what being truly anxious meant. I am not sure if people can really understand how difficult living with anxiety can be. I feel like I would be able to conquer the world if I could worry less.
Anxiety is not logical. It isn't reasonable. I can wind myself into a Gordian knot based on my own musings. While I have many solutions that I use to deal with my anxiety (this blog being one of them), the fact is that I have to deal with a bunch of voices in my head telling me that I am doing everything wrong and that people hate me. I deal with those voices every damn day.
One of the reasons I am always ready to retreat and give up is because I never know if I really have any right to occupy my own space. I am absolutely terrified of imposing on people. I am very good at hiding my anxiety because to let people see it would be imposing emotions on them and that's one of my more significant triggers.
The problem with hiding so well is that people believe that I am in control. I have been told that I look like I do not feel anything. It becomes a serious issue when people think I am not being considerate of their emotions. Many people can't see how much control I am exerting to keep myself from having a full blown panic attack. Trust me, I am being considerate of your emotions. I am not screaming or sobbing. I am not catatonic. You won't have to take me to the hospital because I am unconscious and unresponsive to stimuli. Given that all of those things have happened, I know what happens when my anxiety runs the show. I do everything I can to make sure that no one else has to deal with my problems.
If I can't control my anxiety, I stay home.
The break up I described above resulted in some pretty nasty consequences. I have never forgotten them. I backed out of the social group. I have tried to not bother anyone. To this day, I am very careful when I see anyone from that group, because I figure I will always be "Psycho Rachel, the crazy ex".
However, I know that sometimes I have to stand up for myself. A few years after the break up, that ex showed up at a weekly dance event. It was a small venue and we couldn't help but be in each other's space. It was really crowded. The ex made a big deal of avoiding me and acting like I was going to launch myself at him at any moment. I was a teacher and a caller in the community, that sort of behavior was messing up my rhythm (and it was rude). People wanted to remove the ex for being disruptive.
I had to pull him aside and ask him what the hell he was doing. He told me that his behavior was justified, because I had earned it. I think I surprised him when I agreed with him. Yes, his past experiences from years prior suggested that I would do something "crazy". I then pointed out to him that he was in my venue. He chose to show up for an evening. He was aware I would be there. He didn't get to come into my space and fuck with me. I didn't do it to him in his venues (he is a musician). He tried to make excuses and I cut him off. I told him that I had not taken any action toward him in a very long time. He could give me the benefit of the doubt or he could be escorted from the small and crowded venue.
He opted to stay and he relaxed. Things went smoother after our little chat. It was an important moment for me because it was the first time I knew that my right to occupy a space was more important than any past actions. It was the first time that I managed my anxiety regarding a public venue and my space there.
That ex and I are not buddies, but we did manage to successfully manage to share that venue a number of times. I figure that's the best I will ever accomplish. I have never pushed for anything more. After all, no one wants a clingy ex.
If you know me, you know what is coming. Yes, this circles back to DA. If you don't remember, DA stands for Darth Auxiliary. He and I were secondaries. Due to a number of choices, mostly on his part, that has changed. Now we are nothing, he's just somebody I used to know. The reason for the Darth is because our relationship seemed to go from light to dark without reason or notice. It just happened.
I admit, this has been a very difficult and painful break up for me. Everything to do with DA kicks my anxiety into high gear. I have had to do more cogitative behavioral therapy in the past six months than I think I have done since I was in my 30s.
That said, I have tried to be a considerate ex. He has done the same. We haven't had to see each other and since 7/31, we have seen each other twice. I don't know what happened or why our relationship imploded, but why isn't always a question that gets answered in break ups. I have done my best to respect that.
I have tried to be understanding about the Christmas fair. I have tried to set up reasonable boundaries. I have tried to work with him. I realized on Saturday that I couldn't be considerate of DA's feelings and take care of my own needs.
Primary and DA are talking again. DA made sure to inform me that she will be participating at the fair. She will be performing at the stage next to my environment. I don't care if she is there, per say. I don't have a problem with her. However, if she and DA are spending time together, I will have to deal with DA being at the fair and I can look forward to seeing him walking around with Primary. Given her default location, the "it's a big fair" theory stops holding water.
Primary has never done the fair. DA did it for the first time last year. I started participating in 2001. I am teaching workshops. I have been a director. I have participated and worked the fair for 14 years. This is my venue. If DA wants me out of his life, fine. I have done my best to respect that. He doesn't want to tell me why he cut me out of his life or cannot interact with me, fine, I will deal with that too.
But why the fuck do I have to deal with him at fair? No, it isn't a as close quarters as the music venue I had to share with the ex I was talking about, but it also isn't one night, it's every weekend for two months. If DA wants me out of his life then e can quit the fair I introduced him to. He can do something else. If he is going to be in my space, I feel that he should be considerate of my feelings, not only prattle on about his own. (He has repeatedly told me that I don't know how he feels and that I won't listen to him. I am really curious if he would have an inkling about how I feel if I didn't provide him with this handy-dandy cheat sheet of a blog.
I have a situation that has spiked my anxiety to unmanageable levels. I don't want to try and deal with the anxiety of teaching new content when I coping with emotional fallout that should have been dealt with in August. I have significant anxiety issues and the past few months have been awful. Regardless, I have been willing to try to overcome them so that DA and I both can participate in the fair. All he has done is drag his feet and make things worse.
I asked him if we could please meet and talk on multiple occasions. DA has postponed, delayed, and outright refused. When I asked this past week, DA suggested that he could ask my director (who is also his roommate) to play chaperone. I specifically told him that I didn't feel it was appropriate to impose our problems on other people. He asked her anyway. So now it's my fault because I felt that putting my friend, my director and his roommate in the middle was inappropriate.
Talking to DA on the phone on Sunday was horrible. I felt like he started out on the offense and nitpicked and debated everything I said. He complained because my tone of voice wasn't calm enough for his taste. I wanted to scream at him that if he thought my tone of voice over the phone was bad, wait until I have to see him in person! My anxiety ratcheted up so high that I had to take a benzodiazepine so I could calm down. To put that into perspective, I get my ativan 5 doses at a time. I only take it when there is no other option. One script (5 pills) can last me for months. I don't need to take them often. Taking one is a last resort.
Monday involved a couple of e-mails. (I know, I know, but old habits die hard.) In one, DA asked me what I hoped to get out of the talk and this is how I responded: "I was hoping that by talking to you, we could clear up whatever horrible thing poisoned our relationship and made you hate me so much. I thought it was a misunderstanding. I guess it isn’t.
Fine, we’re done and there was nothing between us. I have done my best to accept that.
If that's the case, if DA loathes me so much that he can't give me the benefit of our three year relationship, whatever. Then I feel DA shouldn't participate in the fair. this year. If he wants me out of his life, he can fucking stay out of mine. I told him as much in the e-mail. If he won't talk to me about what made everything so acrimonious, fine. He does not have to. That doesn't mean he gets to walk all over me.
DA knows what this fair means to me. I have given him time and space and have not interfered with his life. It is too damn bad if his feelings are too fragile to work things out with me. If that is the case, he can take his special snowflake ass to a different Christmas fair.
DA probably doesn't see it that way. He will do the fair, because fuck talking to me and fuck how much pain and suffering this has caused. It's my problem, not his.
I had the joy of e-mailing my director (again, the one who is his roommate). I told her that while I would fulfill my workshop obligations, it was unlikely that my body can survive multiple weekends of anxiety. I am simply not strong enough. I did not eat much yesterday and food and I are not on speaking terms today either. I have had trouble sleeping since Sunday. This is exhausting.
I am not wallowing. I went to an exercise class last night. I have done my CBT exercises. I am writing this out. I am barely functioning at work. This has got to stop.
I don't want this. If I could turn my anxiety off, I would. That's the thing that I can't seem to get DA or other people to understand. I know I am not functioning within reality. It does not matter. I am still anxious. I am working with no information, no context and no understanding. In a vacuum, the only thing I can imagine is that DA must hate me. Why else is he being so cruel and vindictive? My anxiety feeds on itself and is increasing exponentially until it swallows me. DA and I have not had a constructive conversation since we broke up. All I know is that I did something terrible and now I am persona non grata.
I know that it is not DA's responsibility to address my anxiety. However, I believe that I am in the right to say that if DA wants to peacefully occupy the same venue, an open and honest dialogue is an acceptable request. Given that DA has repeatedly refused, postponed or otherwise dodged out of such a discussion, it seems it won't happen. He hasn't responded to my last e-mail (it's been over 24 hours).
Someone has checked my blog multiple times in the same period. So, I guess I am expected to explain myself via blog instead of having this conversation with the person concerned, in person. Past experience tells me that I will get nothing but silence. If I push for some sort of resolution, I will be told that I am being unreasonable
I am left to deal with my anxiety on my own. At the moment, I can't and I am fucking tired of it. It makes me feel that my only choice is to opt out of Dickens. I don't think I should have to, nor do I think it's healthy. In fact, I think that what DA is doing is unhealthy for both of us, but what do I know? Oh right, I don't know a bloody thing.
I am very frustrated and angry. I don't know what I did, but I am tired of being treated like the psycho ex by someone who is just as crazy. I don't want to fix anything, I just want things to stop being such a bloody dramafest so I can focus on doing the things I love.
Today's song is one I use when I need to calm down. It sort of helped today.
Well, all that fussing was for nought. After having my car broken into, I don’t feel like doing a scene tonight. I opted out of my plans with KzF.
I told Keto that I can’t join him at his munch tonight. (No car) he didn’t ask me until today whether or not we had plans. I understand why, new job and all, but I’m butthurt at the moment.
And just to make things even more special, I need to replace my laptop tomorrow. Do you know who would be a great person to shop with and consult on a replacement Mac laptop? DA, who knows more about Macintosh computers and my computer habits than anyone! In fact he helped me buy the laptop that was stolen. It’s a bloody shame we aren’t talking to each other anymore!
I know things could be far worse. It’s just inconveniences; instead of my weekend full of fun, I’m dealing with reminders that I am vulnerable and that DA isn’t my friend. (Not that I would ask. I really don’t need to be told how he hopes that I can find the support I need from otherpeople.)
I should say that I haven't had a partner, at least not in recent memory, who wasn't perfectly understanding when I explained my reluctance regarding fellatio. I have been fortunate. The one person who wasn't "safe" was someone I stopped seeing immediately. (He didn't respect a boundary and that was that.)
When I explained things to KzF, he was frustrated. However, he was frustrated because he misunderstood what I meant. He had wanted to have fellatio be a part of an upcoming scene and didn't realize that he was suggesting something so triggering. I mistook his frustration with his own lack of understanding for anger with me. He was a sweetheart yesterday and not only made sure to clear things up with me. He checked in with me a couple of hours later and made sure that I was still doing all right. He was worried about me. A person who considers my feelings and isn't a selfish ass, that's a nice change.
In fact, the whole situation ended up spurring a needed conversation. I found out he was feeling jealous of Keto. KzF is as non-monogamous as they come. I jokingly refer to his stable when discussing his roster of partners. I couldn't understand why he would be upset that I was seeing someone else.
He explained last night that he didn't only want to be a now and again play partner. He would like to build some sort of relationship (whatever works for us). He didn't pursue things a couple of months ago; the foolish man wanted to give me times to emotionally recover from my recent break from DA. (Actually, I think it was very thoughtful of him and not foolish at all. I just didn't understand his reticence at the time.)
I don't know what I am up for emotionally, but it is nice to be desired. I told this to KzF. He appreciated that I was honest about my feelings and my limits.
I know that I am allowed to have boundaries and enforce them. I agree with what everyone commented. However, that doesn't change the feeling that there is something wrong with me. I have grown up with the narrative that women are supposed to get a sense of empowerment from giving blow jobs. That oral sex is transactional and that in order to get it, I have to give it.
Adult movies show women going at fellatio with gusto and pleasure. While my brain knows that it's no more real than their bodies or the scenarios they play in, I am a product of my upbringing. The same narrative that convinced me that my body isn't good enough, that I am not pretty enough and that I will never be good enough to attract men also taught me that if I want to keep a guy, I better be accommodating of his desires.
I know that my relationship with DA did not end because of sexual favors I did or did not give. While my brain has imagined all sorts of scenarios where DA's new partner is the most amazing sex he has ever had, I don't actually believe it. My assumption has always been that our relationship ended because of emotions. I remember how I felt when I met H2. My emotional connection to every other person I was dating ended abruptly. I just lost interest, seemingly overnight. I don't know if that was the case with DA, but my own experience gave me a story that worked to explain the end of my relationship with him. When I met H2, I had met the man I was going to marry. Why would I continue to date anyone else? In retrospect, that should have been a huge red flag, but H2 seemed perfect when I met him and I couldn't have been happier.
I believe that I have said my biggest problem with DA is that instead of communicating his emotions honestly, he was a schmuck who ended up hurting Primary and me because he was too fucking scared. (I do not know if this is actually true or if this is what ended his relationship with Primary or if they are still not spending time together.) My version of the story allows me to believe that I can't change that I am 47, inappropriate for marriage and unable to start another family.
I anticipated this day would come. DA and I discussed the likely possibility. He told me, repeatedly, that I was an important part of his life; that he would never let me go. I guess I wasn't valued after all. But I don't feel it's because we didn't enjoy intimacy.
However, that doesn't mean that I don't feel like a failure. I do. I thought that I mattered to someone and now I feel like I never did, that it was all just in my head. Anything that contributes to that feeling still can hit me hard. Yesterday was a bad one and yesterday's discussion about sex and limitations triggered some deeply held inadequacies that I didn't see coming.
Emotional processing is a bitch. Thank you for the outpouring of love and support.
Today's song is a pretty obvious choice, in my opinion.
I am going to say this straight out. I don't find giving fellatio enjoyable.
I feel like there is a lot of pressure on women to offer oral sex to their male partners. I know that when I explain why it's not readily on my menu, men seem to be offended. I have been made to feel like I am refusing them something that they can get from others and that it is a lack on my part.
This will probably sound selfish, but due to being HSV+, there are people who don't feel comfortable offering oral sex to me. I have accepted that, but it doesn't motivate me to do something I know won't be reciprocated.
I have had dental issues for over half my life. Fellatio hurts, I couldn't do it for very long without getting a splitting headache. I haven't tried since I got the oral surgery, but my brain has been trained that giving oral sex will result in pain. It is incredibly difficult to get partners to understand why I am reluctant to engage and the amount of trust and effort it takes to engage in an activity that has been thoroughly unpleasant for me in the past.
This issue just came up with KzF. He misinterpreted "I will engage in fellatio with someone when there is sufficient trust." as "Fellatio isn't my favorite thing to do, but it's on the menu." This is somehow my fault, for not explaining carefully enough when I stated that I don't like fellatio, but I do it for a partner that I deeply trust and care for, because I know that they enjoy it.
I just explained to him that after having my confidence and trust utterly destroyed by someone I thought I wouldn't intentionally hurt me, I don't have any trust to offer him. I am sorry to make KzF deal with something broken by someone else, but I don't know what else to do. Not only is there the fear of physical pain, but now there is emotional pain and broken trust on top of it.
KzF and I are currently discussing the matter. I am waiting for him to
cancel our plans. Mostly, I just want to shut down and hide in bed under
the covers. I am sitting at my desk and crying over this and I have the
feeling that there is a lot that just got uncovered and I am dealing
with a raw nerve.
I haven't had this conversation with Keto or Tas and now I am dreading it. GGG is supposed to mean that I will do the typical things and it shouldn't be a big deal. Maybe I should just tell them and accept that they will lose interest.
I am so fucking tired of this. I don't want to be crying over this crap.
The song right now is another one courtesy of the late Tom Petty. I felt like he was singing right to me while I was writing this.
Two people are walking a small dog in the gloaming light of the evening. JT is dressed in cargo pants and a tight black sweater, a Star Wars baseball cap on his head. RACHEL is wearing jeans and an orange sweatshirt. She has hold of the leash. The dog is an adorable puggle. The houses they walk past are well kept. Lighted windows reflecting television news and sports spill out on front lawns. The scene breaks in on the conversation already in progress.
JT
Well, at least DA was good for something.
RACHEL
*shrug* He was good for and at a lot of stuff.
He is also 30, lousy at communication and immature as hell.
JT
Sweetie, you really need to stop making excuses for him.
RACHEL
What I need to do is stop thinking about him. I am so tired of it. It's not like he thinks about me...
JT
Oh honey, why do you think that? Because he never calls, he never writes? You spent three years with the man and you think he doesn't think of you? I would bet dollars to doughnuts that he thinks about you as frequently as you think about him...if not more.
RACHEL
Dollars to doughnuts? Really?
JT
(makes a sour face)
What? It's a perfectly acceptable phrase.
RACHEL
(pauses to allow the dog to sniff at something)
I guess.
JT
Why do you think that he doesn't think about you? Because you have no proof. Because he doesn't write whiny entries in a blog for you to read.
RACHEL
(makes a pained face)
Ouch!
JT
I am just calling a spade a spade, Rae. And trust me, you are digging the wrong hole with yours.
RACHEL
(gently tugs on the leash to get the dog to move along)
I don't want to be so hung up.
JT
Yes, Rachel the perfect emotional specimen who can control her feelings.
RACHEL
It's not like that...
JT
Look, I know it's been a long time since you have had your heart truly broken. Trust me, it was about fucking time. You were getting insufferable.
I am not sure what was worse, that you didn't know how fortunate you've been in your love life or that you didn't see how badly that asshole was treating you. Even he admitted he was a shit. How many times did he tell you that you deserved better? I have to wonder if a few more heartbreaks wouldn't have helped you see the relationship for what it was a helluva a lot sooner.
RACHEL
(walks a little faster)
So I am a stupid ass?
JT
Rachel, I hate it when you do this. Quit taking things so damn personally.
Look you are human. You were in a relationship. For whatever reason, you genuinely cared for DA and I guess he cared for you, in his own fucked up way. If I had to guess, and I am only guessing, I imagine that he thinks that you are better off without him and so he is staying away.
RACHEL
(pauses to let the dog do her business)
I thought you said it was because his current girlfriend didn't want him talking to me.
JT
What is it about that man that makes you so bloody binary?
Look, I don't know. For that matter, neither do you. DA doesn't give you a handy, dandy blog to read that tells you about his innermost thoughts and feelings.
Rachel, I don't know why he isn't talking to you. It's probably something that has very little to do with you or how he feels about you. It is probably some thing in his head that he has made into a big fucking deal. He probably thinks it's his only option.
I know telling you to let him go won't help. How many times did you tell me the same thing about M?
RACHEL
That was different. I mean...
JT
No, it isn't different. It is good advice and it is completely useless for most people.
The heart heals in it's own time. You can't make things better through will power. If you see DA, it will hurt. If you don't see him, it will hurt. If you talk to him on the phone or e-mail or text or fucking Morse code, it will hurt. If you have zero communication with him, it will hurt.
RACHEL
So I don't talk to him. I haven't, for weeks. I try not to think about him. I try.
JT
Do you know the worst day of knowing you was? The day you told me, quite happily, that you were pregnant by H2. You don't want to know how much booze our friends poured down my gullet that night. Trust me, it didn't help. I didn't know I could feel so much pain. I think the only thing that could have been worse is if you hadn't wanted to tell me right away. How you could have let that asshole knock you up?
RACHEL
(stopping for a moment and petting the dog)
I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you.
JT
I doubt DA ever wanted to hurt you. That doesn't mean shit when you hurt, dear. I wish that you didn't have to go through this pain with this putz. You may have broken my heart more than once, but overall it's been worth it. You are worth it.
DA is going to get married, have children, and live a life without you. Whatever magical power has allowed you to watch a series of your exes continue life without you while you seemingly don't care, is beyond me. I just hope you haven't lost it because of this jerk.
RACHEL
I care.
JT
(looks at her in askance)
How did H2 find out that your marriage was effectively over?
RACHEL
(blushing and not meeting his eyes)
I spent the weekend in Lake Tahoe with my current husband.
JT
Rachel, did it ever occur to you how devastating that was for him?
RACHEL
(sounding defensive)
He dumped me on instant messenger while he was on a business trip!
JT
(gives her a look)
Your volatile husband, whom you had been with for some seven years, got upset and texted something stupid? Imagine my shock and surprise.
RACHEL
(looking abashed)
Well, when you put it that way. But I was really upset.
JT
Of course you were. I didn't mean you were heartless. I remember how upset you were. You were so upset that you dove right into another relationship, one that has been successful for over a decade. You have a house, a degree, a new career and relationship that works surprisingly well.
(sarcastically)
I can see how you were crushed.
RACHEL
I should have done things differently?
JT
Rachel, you are resilient. You are probably one of the most resilient people I know. And given the shit that life has handed you, I can't imagine you could be any other way. I know that your seeming callousness is hiding a lot of damage done by your family.
So, no I can't imagine you would do things differently. But I would like you to imagine things from DA's point of view, if you could.
RACHEL
(falsetto imitation)
I am happy because I found someone younger, prettier, and who is sparkly and wonderful.
JT
Yeah, it fucking hurts, doesn't it?
Imagine how H2 felt when you found someone younger and more successful. A man who adores and treasures you, who gives you all of the things that H2 still can't.
I don't know DA feels. If I were him and saw the way you were snapping back, I wouldn't want to talk to you either. I would feel like a schmuck. Further, a man who you dated for three volatile years texts something stupid in anger and frustration and it cost him his entire relationship?
And while yes, he can read (if he chooses) your processing and frustration, when you have you stated that you were sorry, that you wanted him back and that you would do anything to fix things? Not bitching on your blog, but told him to his face that you were really sorry and that you wanted things to be different?
RACHEL
(stopping the walk)
Why would I say that?
JT (smacks his forehead)
And you wonder why the man doesn't want to talk to you?
RACHEL
JT, he dumped me! He chose her over me. He ended the relationship. All I did was say the damn words!
JT (holding up his hands)
I know, I know. For whatever reason, the relationship ended. And you aren't the type of person to throw yourself on your knees and beg. You never have been. Did it ever occur to you to walk it back? Did it ever occur to you to ask if there was something you could do to fix it?
Rachel, do you understand that you never asked DA to give your relationship another chance? You refused his friendship.
(shakes his head)
No, no, no, I read the transcript. He said maybe and he offered you his sincere friendship. You told him off and refused him outright. That was when he told you goodbye.
RACHEL (tugs on the leash, walking away quickly)
I didn't ask to be hurt. Do you understand what that ass did to me?
JT (following after RACHEL)
Yes, I know what he did. He did what people do to each other when they care about each other. They hurt each other. DA and you had been hurting each other for a long time. You were both responsible and neither of you were doing anything about it except causing each other more pain. I can't say for him, but I know, as much as you don't like to admit it, that you are relieved that it's over.
RACHEL (gasping sound)
JT
Yes, you say all the right words. I should say you write them. That's your problem, honey. You write the correct words, not what you feel. You are so busy writing the things that you should be, hoping that DA and anyone else will see how over him you are that you aren't actually writing how you feel.
And then you are angry that DA, who has never seemed to understand what anyone else is feeling, isn't able to understand what you really mean.
And given that his usual strategy is to retreat and hide when he has to deal with conflict, I can't imagine why he is avoiding you like the Red Death.
RACHEL (slows down, half smiling)
Must you make Poe references? That's a DA thing.
JT (shrugs)
Old Edgar Allan wasn't resilient, was he? He drank and used opium. He hid from his problems, his feelings and avoided conflict until it killed him. It seems to me that DA has a lot in common with the man.
RACHEL (stopping to allow the dog to sniff another tree)
What should I do?
JT
About DA? Well, you can keep on doing nothing and whining in your blog.
RACHEL
Hey!
JT
Calling it like I see it. You are whining. You are hoping that DA will suddenly grow a spine and decide to initiate some sort of action if you just write something properly inspirational.
I'll owe you a fancy dinner with all the wine pairings if that happens.
If you want to talk to DA, by all means, contact him. That is what it will take. You will have to put your cards on the table and give him all the power. He won't talk to you any other way. He never has and there is no reason for him to change. He is better at waiting than you will ever be.
RACHEL (walking forward again)
I don't want to give him all the power. I hate it. I hated it.
JT
Then you have given up on the relationship.
RACHEL
No, wait. Why do I have to be the one? Are you saying that DA has no interest in friendship? That I should just give up.
(pointing in the dimming light)
There's the park up ahead.
JT
I don't honestly know. I only know what you have told me. I understand why you still care about the guy. I wish you didn't, but who am I to talk? But I have no idea what he feels. I think that DA doesn't know how he feels.
Based on my own experience, I think DA misses you desperately. I imagine that he has thought about contacting you multiple times. If I were him, I would be paging through your blog and arguing with myself. Then I would imagine all the awful (and mostly true) things you could say to me and that would stay my hand. I know it stopped me back when.
Rachel, I love you, but not only are you a bitch, but you are an intimidating one. I don't know why you don't get that.
RACHEL (sitting on the park bench)
I'm not mean. At least I don't intend to be. I just get...
so you think DA wants me to contact him?
JT (sighs and sits down next to RACHEL)
Rachel, the only person who can answer that for you is DA. The only way is to ask him directly.
And no, I don't think you should. I think that if he cared enough about you, he would have never let you go. Whatever this other woman means to him, he invested just as much in you as you did in him. You should never feel like you have to remind him that you are worthy. You are worthy just by being your awesome self.
You know how I know that? Because you have friends who rushed to support you before the break up was finalized. You have Keto, KzF, Tas, all begging to give you their attention. More importantly you have your husband who has put up with all of this shit and still loves you. You have five talents and you are very good at making them pay off.
DA is a man who is clinging to one talent and hoping it pays off by burying it. Maybe it will, but there are very few men who have let you go and been better off for it. I don't mean the men who transition to friendship. Dating you kind of sucks, you really are a pain in the ass. I don't blame anyone, even DA, who decides that they can't date you.
RACHEL (hits JT on the shoulder)
Hey now!
JT (smiling)
I'm kidding, really.
But, Rachel. You don't need DA. You might want him. He showed up at a time in your life when you were pretty low and I will grant that he was helpful through some rough patches. But when you realized that he couldn't provide you with what you needed you started reaching out to other people and expanding your social network. There is a reason that you were able to hit the ground running back in July, you know before the relationship ended.
DA needed you. I think he still does. He might not want to. I bet it's dreadfully inconvenient, especially if this other gal expects his total devotion. But I don't think you see how much he depended on you.
If you come to him, begging and pleading for his friendship, then he gets what he needs and doesn't have to give you anything. He gets a return on his talent by taking them from you, which he is damn good at. He stays safe. He gets to keep the talent given to him and keep it buried.
See that's the thing, Rachel. I don't think you have buried a talent in your entire life. Maybe that's why you always seem to land on your feet, like some damn cat. You are constantly getting talents in return.
RACHEL (oofs when the dog jumps into her lap) So you are saying that I can go back to the way things were, where I am being used and am begging for something in return?
JT (reaches over and scritches the dog between the ears)
Yeah, I think that you'd find that things are going to be about the same if you contact him and offer him any sort of friendship. He already got you to smooth things for him at the Christmas fair just by dragging his feet.
RACHEL (hugging the dog in her arms)
So I should just keep doing what I am doing?
JT
No, I think you should stop hoping that DA reads your blog. I think you should stop caring. Stop giving him anything, Rachel. Don't let him live rent free in your head.
You need to talk about him with me or on your blog or whatever, go right on ahead. You suck at processing strong emotions and for whatever reason, you have strong feelings for that asshole. Feelings I have rarely seen from you. He should fucking bottle whatever he did to you, I know people who would pay cash money for your devotion.
RACHEL
Am I that bad?
JT
No, but I wish you would do things for yourself.
Process, don't lie. Process, don't try to write the thing that will get him to pay attention. He won't pay. He has too many years of getting you at no cost. When you demanded anything from him, he just retreated into his selfish hole and refused you. You always came to him, offering something in compensation for his trouble.
Process for you, Rachel. You can't change anything about him. You never could. You will never be what he thinks he needs.
Sadiya was good enough until Kevin took over. Kevin was acceptable until you came along. You were good enough until Primary stepped up. The two of you were good enough until this new girl came along. Who knows, maybe he'll dump her when he finds someone he thinks is better. Hopefully she will dump him when she finds someone better, it would serve him right.
Maybe he will grow up, sweetie. Maybe he will approach you, talent in hand, and ask you to help him share it with the world. Until he does, let him bury it in the darkness while he watches you shine. If he wants to torture himself by reading your blog, then who cares. If he isn't reading your blog, who the fuck cares?
So, write this out and then any time you want to write an entry that you think might speak to him, don't publish it. Don't waste your time. Figure out what you need, not what you can give him.
And the last thing, welcome to the world. You really should think a moment about how it feels to watch you bounce along like you feel nothing as you move on with your life, without seemingly looking back.
I know you feel, but damn if it just looks like you drop people and move on the exact same way that DA did to you. If you feel hurt, good, because maybe you'll be more careful of those of us who can't help but love you, even knowing it will break our hearts.
RACHEL (letting the dog jump down)
Is it really that awful? I am sorry, JT.
JT
If you weren't worth it, you wouldn't be so blessed, Rachel. Just don't forget how you came by the many talents you have.
Let's head back to the house and see if we can dig up the book about talents. Now, I want to read it again.
RACHEL and JT stand up from the bench and walk into the darkness, lit by pools of streetlamps. They talk as they walk away from the camera, their voices fading.
