"Waiting for someone to release me..."

I tried. I really tried to run away and hide. Things with KzF got frustrating and I tried to duck and cover out of the way. The man had the temerity, the gall I tell you, to not let me get away with it. We had a reasonable conversation and managed to come to a resolution. We have tentative plans for Friday night.

He told me that he is quite fond of me. I think I failed my hide and not be sought roll.

Rope Guy (new person) is someone that I have been chatting with for quite a while. We have a number of things in common. He went away to a convention last weekend. He told me that he would be thinking about me. I received a very sweet e-mail from him last night. We are getting together for our first rope class on Thursday. He says he is looking forward to it.

Keto asked about seeing me tomorrow night. We planned to go to the Ren Faire this weekend.

Wait, what? Why do these people want to spend time with me. I am so damn broken.

I am not looking for validation here. I am just flummoxed. How did this happen? I have never been the poly person who has to keep a careful schedule, but now I am. While I don't really believe in hierarchical polyamory (a secondary, a tertiary, etc), I never had to juggle this many people. I never really wanted to. I am to the point now where I have to keep and carefully check a calendar before making plans. I think I am officially overbooked and I am not including two potential flings and the person who wants to get to know me better.

I have been turning people down, although the 23 year old (another potential fling) is someone I can't quite convince myself to dismiss. He's so damn cute.

I went from a miserable and lonely August to, well this.  I simply don't understand why. To paraphrase a movie line, Did I suddenly develop beer flavored nipples?

The problem is that I am anxious. I have been talking a lot with KzF and others about pleasing my partners. I never learned that I am supposed to ask for what I want. I should advocate for it. I need to declare for it.  I am just so used to doing what I think is expected and being resentful. I know that has got to stop and I am at a loss as to how. (I have a book sitting on my kindle that is supposed to help).

KzF wants me to join him at one of *ahem* those sorts of parties this Friday night. I want to go. Keto said it wasn't his cup of tea and I have been paralyzed since. I haven't responded about getting together tomorrow night. I haven't followed up about Saturday. I am just worried that he will disapprove, even though I know a) it isn't Keto's business how I spend my time and b) that if Keto isn't able to deal with a Poly, kinky and yes, let's use the word promiscuous, Rachel, then he won't be happy in any sort of relationship with me.

I have been taught that being open and honest about my sexuality is wrong. I am supposed to be a good girl and make my partner happy. What did being a good girl get me? Oh right...well no need to open that can of worms. I guess I need to learn how to take care of my needs and quit giving a damn if it bothers other people. As I said to a friend recently, I saw someone act like a total ass and hurt people and yet they still have friends and people who defend them. The world is not going to hate me, and the people who do? Why should I care?

Regrettably, I couldn't read a calendar yesterday. The psych appointment is this Thursday. All is not lost, though. I got in a fantastic work out last night and I am gaming tonight. These are both things that help my anxiety. I'll write back to Keto. I will just answer his questions and talk about my concerns in person either tomorrow or more likely on Saturday. If I want to go to the damn party, I will, with fucking bells on.

I love surf style music, so I had to include this as today's song. I don't always like PMJ, but man. can they nail a style.