"Grab my glasses, I'm out the door; I'm gonna hit this city..."

A (partial) morning in the life of someone with anxiety disorder.

Wake up

0313 - wake up from sleep. Check my phone out of habit. Realize it’s the middle of the night.

• See the notification that arrived 4 hours earlier about an email that I have been dreading. 
• Read email.
• Breathe.
• Try not to swear because the email required emotional bandwidth I don’t have. 
• Feel my heart pound.
• Accept sleep is no longer on the table. 
• Respond to email.
• Edit response
• Edit response again
• Edit response another time
• Try to take out anything emotionally triggering or incendiary.
• Rewrite email so that it makes sense.
• Admit that I've spent way too long on the email and send it.
• Get up

Function in Sleep Deprived Mode

0600 - Shower, try not to think about anything. Fail, think about e-mail

• Read sent email, agonize over typos and grammar errors.
• Get dressed in clothes I set out the night before.

0620 - Read work email that tells me to support teachers by wearing blue. Realize that I am wearing pink and it’s too late to come up with an appropriate blue outfit.

• agonize about the wrong clothes
• Check outfit. Realize that intended shoes aren’t where I thought. Choose other shoes, find socks.
• Check outfit again. Roll cuffs on pants. 
• reroll cuffs, fuss some more.

0630 - Feed the animals. Worry that I am neglecting them.

• Pack up lunch and grab everything by the door and head to work. 

Work Day

0700 - Due to testing schedule, I had to be at work by 0740. Due to anxiety, I arrived early.

• Check over classroom to make sure that it will pass an audit.

0710 - Read email again.

• Realize that something could be misconstrued and write addendum.
• Edit addendum
• Edit addendum again.
• Edit addendum a third time. State time and availability.
• Realize that I will be late to picking up tests,  send addendum as is because I won’t be able to look at a computer for a long while and it’s better sent than pending.

0745 - pick up tests

• Testing coordinator tells me that I am one of his best proctors as he hands me the materials. Try not to obsess about screwing up all the way back to my classroom.

0800 - Check students in for test. Agonize about every name I can’t remember. Try to maintain calm presence in front of students, some of whom I've just met.

• Carefully go through detailed and exacting test procedure trying to maintain patience and humor. 
• Deal with questions from anxious students worried about their results.
• Begin test
• Make first cup of coffee

I could keep going, but you get the idea. When my anxiety is bad, it's really bad.

I was at a gaming convention this past weekend. Usually I feel fairly relaxed at conventions, gamers are not known for their advanced social skills. It didn't matter. I just felt like I was always saying the wrong things, being an insensitive ass and overall being that privileged white girl. I know it was not reasonable or rational, but as I have noted, my anxiety is rarely rational.

I am due to see my psychiatrist today, so I plan to discuss my anxiety with her. I am worried that her answer is going to be upping my anxiety medication, which I am afraid will mess with my creativity or my engagement with the world.

Today's song isn't really appropriate, but it's what has been going on in my head all morning.