I learned a couple of difficult lessons. I learned that no one wants to deal with a clingy ex who can't get a clue. I also learned what being truly anxious meant. I am not sure if people can really understand how difficult living with anxiety can be. I feel like I would be able to conquer the world if I could worry less.
Anxiety is not logical. It isn't reasonable. I can wind myself into a Gordian knot based on my own musings. While I have many solutions that I use to deal with my anxiety (this blog being one of them), the fact is that I have to deal with a bunch of voices in my head telling me that I am doing everything wrong and that people hate me. I deal with those voices every damn day.
One of the reasons I am always ready to retreat and give up is because I never know if I really have any right to occupy my own space. I am absolutely terrified of imposing on people. I am very good at hiding my anxiety because to let people see it would be imposing emotions on them and that's one of my more significant triggers.
The problem with hiding so well is that people believe that I am in control. I have been told that I look like I do not feel anything. It becomes a serious issue when people think I am not being considerate of their emotions. Many people can't see how much control I am exerting to keep myself from having a full blown panic attack. Trust me, I am being considerate of your emotions. I am not screaming or sobbing. I am not catatonic. You won't have to take me to the hospital because I am unconscious and unresponsive to stimuli. Given that all of those things have happened, I know what happens when my anxiety runs the show. I do everything I can to make sure that no one else has to deal with my problems.
If I can't control my anxiety, I stay home.
The break up I described above resulted in some pretty nasty consequences. I have never forgotten them. I backed out of the social group. I have tried to not bother anyone. To this day, I am very careful when I see anyone from that group, because I figure I will always be "Psycho Rachel, the crazy ex".
However, I know that sometimes I have to stand up for myself. A few years after the break up, that ex showed up at a weekly dance event. It was a small venue and we couldn't help but be in each other's space. It was really crowded. The ex made a big deal of avoiding me and acting like I was going to launch myself at him at any moment. I was a teacher and a caller in the community, that sort of behavior was messing up my rhythm (and it was rude). People wanted to remove the ex for being disruptive.
I had to pull him aside and ask him what the hell he was doing. He told me that his behavior was justified, because I had earned it. I think I surprised him when I agreed with him. Yes, his past experiences from years prior suggested that I would do something "crazy". I then pointed out to him that he was in my venue. He chose to show up for an evening. He was aware I would be there. He didn't get to come into my space and fuck with me. I didn't do it to him in his venues (he is a musician). He tried to make excuses and I cut him off. I told him that I had not taken any action toward him in a very long time. He could give me the benefit of the doubt or he could be escorted from the small and crowded venue.
He opted to stay and he relaxed. Things went smoother after our little chat. It was an important moment for me because it was the first time I knew that my right to occupy a space was more important than any past actions. It was the first time that I managed my anxiety regarding a public venue and my space there.
That ex and I are not buddies, but we did manage to successfully manage to share that venue a number of times. I figure that's the best I will ever accomplish. I have never pushed for anything more. After all, no one wants a clingy ex.
If you know me, you know what is coming. Yes, this circles back to DA. If you don't remember, DA stands for Darth Auxiliary. He and I were secondaries. Due to a number of choices, mostly on his part, that has changed. Now we are nothing, he's just somebody I used to know. The reason for the Darth is because our relationship seemed to go from light to dark without reason or notice. It just happened.
I admit, this has been a very difficult and painful break up for me. Everything to do with DA kicks my anxiety into high gear. I have had to do more cogitative behavioral therapy in the past six months than I think I have done since I was in my 30s.
That said, I have tried to be a considerate ex. He has done the same. We haven't had to see each other and since 7/31, we have seen each other twice. I don't know what happened or why our relationship imploded, but why isn't always a question that gets answered in break ups. I have done my best to respect that.
I have tried to be understanding about the Christmas fair. I have tried to set up reasonable boundaries. I have tried to work with him. I realized on Saturday that I couldn't be considerate of DA's feelings and take care of my own needs.
Primary and DA are talking again. DA made sure to inform me that she will be participating at the fair. She will be performing at the stage next to my environment. I don't care if she is there, per say. I don't have a problem with her. However, if she and DA are spending time together, I will have to deal with DA being at the fair and I can look forward to seeing him walking around with Primary. Given her default location, the "it's a big fair" theory stops holding water.
Primary has never done the fair. DA did it for the first time last year. I started participating in 2001. I am teaching workshops. I have been a director. I have participated and worked the fair for 14 years. This is my venue. If DA wants me out of his life, fine. I have done my best to respect that. He doesn't want to tell me why he cut me out of his life or cannot interact with me, fine, I will deal with that too.
But why the fuck do I have to deal with him at fair? No, it isn't a as close quarters as the music venue I had to share with the ex I was talking about, but it also isn't one night, it's every weekend for two months. If DA wants me out of his life then e can quit the fair I introduced him to. He can do something else. If he is going to be in my space, I feel that he should be considerate of my feelings, not only prattle on about his own. (He has repeatedly told me that I don't know how he feels and that I won't listen to him. I am really curious if he would have an inkling about how I feel if I didn't provide him with this handy-dandy cheat sheet of a blog.
I have a situation that has spiked my anxiety to unmanageable levels. I don't want to try and deal with the anxiety of teaching new content when I coping with emotional fallout that should have been dealt with in August. I have significant anxiety issues and the past few months have been awful. Regardless, I have been willing to try to overcome them so that DA and I both can participate in the fair. All he has done is drag his feet and make things worse.
I asked him if we could please meet and talk on multiple occasions. DA has postponed, delayed, and outright refused. When I asked this past week, DA suggested that he could ask my director (who is also his roommate) to play chaperone. I specifically told him that I didn't feel it was appropriate to impose our problems on other people. He asked her anyway. So now it's my fault because I felt that putting my friend, my director and his roommate in the middle was inappropriate.
Talking to DA on the phone on Sunday was horrible. I felt like he started out on the offense and nitpicked and debated everything I said. He complained because my tone of voice wasn't calm enough for his taste. I wanted to scream at him that if he thought my tone of voice over the phone was bad, wait until I have to see him in person! My anxiety ratcheted up so high that I had to take a benzodiazepine so I could calm down. To put that into perspective, I get my ativan 5 doses at a time. I only take it when there is no other option. One script (5 pills) can last me for months. I don't need to take them often. Taking one is a last resort.
Monday involved a couple of e-mails. (I know, I know, but old habits die hard.) In one, DA asked me what I hoped to get out of the talk and this is how I responded:
"I was hoping that by talking to you, we could clear up whatever horrible thing poisoned our relationship and made you hate me so much. I thought it was a misunderstanding. I guess it isn’t.
Fine, we’re done and there was nothing between us. I have done my best to accept that.
If that's the case, if DA loathes me so much that he can't give me the benefit of our three year relationship, whatever. Then I feel DA shouldn't participate in the fair. this year. If he wants me out of his life, he can fucking stay out of mine. I told him as much in the e-mail. If he won't talk to me about what made everything so acrimonious, fine. He does not have to. That doesn't mean he gets to walk all over me.
DA knows what this fair means to me. I have given him time and space and have not interfered with his life. It is too damn bad if his feelings are too fragile to work things out with me. If that is the case, he can take his special snowflake ass to a different Christmas fair.
DA probably doesn't see it that way. He will do the fair, because fuck talking to me and fuck how much pain and suffering this has caused. It's my problem, not his.
I had the joy of e-mailing my director (again, the one who is his roommate). I told her that while I would fulfill my workshop obligations, it was unlikely that my body can survive multiple weekends of anxiety. I am simply not strong enough. I did not eat much yesterday and food and I are not on speaking terms today either. I have had trouble sleeping since Sunday. This is exhausting.
I am not wallowing. I went to an exercise class last night. I have done my CBT exercises. I am writing this out. I am barely functioning at work. This has got to stop.
I don't want this. If I could turn my anxiety off, I would. That's the thing that I can't seem to get DA or other people to understand. I know I am not functioning within reality. It does not matter. I am still anxious. I am working with no information, no context and no understanding. In a vacuum, the only thing I can imagine is that DA must hate me. Why else is he being so cruel and vindictive? My anxiety feeds on itself and is increasing exponentially until it swallows me. DA and I have not had a constructive conversation since we broke up. All I know is that I did something terrible and now I am persona non grata.
I know that it is not DA's responsibility to address my anxiety. However, I believe that I am in the right to say that if DA wants to peacefully occupy the same venue, an open and honest dialogue is an acceptable request. Given that DA has repeatedly refused, postponed or otherwise dodged out of such a discussion, it seems it won't happen. He hasn't responded to my last e-mail (it's been over 24 hours).
Someone has checked my blog multiple times in the same period. So, I guess I am expected to explain myself via blog instead of having this conversation with the person concerned, in person. Past experience tells me that I will get nothing but silence. If I push for some sort of resolution, I will be told that I am being unreasonable
I am left to deal with my anxiety on my own. At the moment, I can't and I am fucking tired of it. It makes me feel that my only choice is to opt out of Dickens. I don't think I should have to, nor do I think it's healthy. In fact, I think that what DA is doing is unhealthy for both of us, but what do I know? Oh right, I don't know a bloody thing.
I am very frustrated and angry. I don't know what I did, but I am tired of being treated like the psycho ex by someone who is just as crazy. I don't want to fix anything, I just want things to stop being such a bloody dramafest so I can focus on doing the things I love.
Today's song is one I use when I need to calm down. It sort of helped today.
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