"...hide the things that we don't like about ourselves..."

So, this came up in my Facebook memories today. It was the only posting for today's date. I wouldn't say seeing the picture hit me like a truck. It was just first thing in the morning and it was unexpected. The photo was from Disney Halloween a couple of years ago. It wasn't the best Disneyland trip (which was mostly my fault), but I think we had fun. We look so happy in that picture. It is one of the very few photos of DA and me together.

The picture got me thinking about how I feel about myself. I have never really liked the way I looked. It was not until I started dating Jack that anyone told me that I was really lovely and then explained why. I had certainly been called pretty before. I was used to people telling me how much my personality sparkled and how much fun I was. How I light up when I am "on". However, just basic looks, I figured I was about a 4/10. I thought I was getting by on personality.

Jack, who is more visually oriented than I am, noted that my basic structure made for a solid foundation. He explained how I am really fortunate because my right and left sides match up fairly well. My figure stays mostly hourglass and while my eyes are too small, overall my face lines up on the golden ratio. In the realm of symmetry, I mostly lucked out. Jack always told me that I was much prettier than I realized and it made dealing with me really frustrating. He had no use for false modesty. It took a while before he realized I was sincere when I said I didn't think I was attractive.

I have come a long way since then. DA certainly contributed to making feel a lot more attractive. He  convinced me to consider my clothes from a different perspective and be more expressive and colorful with what I wear. I am wearing shoes he helped me choose. In fact I it's been frustrating at how many pairs of shoes I have I bought with his input. When I left my H2, things I used daily didn't remind me of him. It was easy to box up things and forget that we had lived together. There are still boxes that I haven't unpacked because I still don't want to deal with the emotions that go with them.

This time I am reminded daily of the part that DA has played in my life. The shoes and the shirt I am wearing today were both purchases he helped with. (I didn't realize this fact until I started writing.) As much as I would like to put the shoes and clothes all away, frankly they look good. DA has good taste and I benefited from it.

I should note, that DA didn't actually like today's shoes, but he agreed that they were very me and that I should get them. They are really comfortable and yes, they are very me. (I am wearing gray socks with them, black pants and a colorful shirt that reflects the same color palette as the shoes.

I wasn't planning on discussing DA today. I really wasn't. What I wanted to discuss is that when I saw the picture on Facebook, I didn't like the way I looked. In contrast, Keto took a picture of me at Folsom Street Fair a couple of days ago and I was stunned at how much I've changed in a very short period of time. I think seeing that old picture of DA and me, as hard as it was to see this morning, reminded me that I am making some significant progress.

I love the way I look here. I am nearly 40 lbs. less in this picture than in the one above. I am in much better shape. Pilates is a physical activity I am happy to do on a regular basis, so I have been exercising more consistently. I am also eating healthy and taking better care of myself. When I bought this corset it had a respectable gap. Keto had to close it on Sunday to get it to fit and if you know corseting, you know it's still a bit loose.

Admittedly, this was a really tame outfit for Folsom, but I still felt comfortable in a way that I have never felt before. While some people complimented me, I didn't get stopped for pictures or get a lot of notice. I didn't feel like I was ugly or unattractive. I felt like I was a participant and that I fit in. I think it helped that Keto has been a part of the community for a very long time and hosts events. It was odd having people doing exhibitions and displays go out of their way to greet us and ask us "How is your Folsom?" Keto dressed (by his own admission) like a tourist. I don't think we stood out. It was interesting to see people around us looking and trying to figure out who the hell we were that our presence would stop an ongoing scene or demo to be greeted. Keto is an introvert and he doesn't make a lot of fuss. I think that lends a level of gravitas that commands respect. I imagine the fact that he has been a part of the scene for so long is also a contributing factor.

Obviously spending time with Keto is very different than being with DA. However, that isn't what struck me about the difference about the two pictures. I am corseted in both. It's just how differently I am holding myself. I love how relaxed and comfortable in my skin I think I look in the more recent one.

I don't think this feeling is because DA and I ended our relationship.  There are a lot of things that have changed (mostly for the better) since my relationship with DA ended. But I don't think the end of the relationship is responsible for the change in my demeanor.

I would like to give credit where credit is due. Jack got me to see myself as attractive. DA convinced me to dress with color and style. I have artifacts from both of those relationships that are meaningful to me. I just wish I didn't have to wear reminders of my relationship with DA when there is so much hurt associated with the relationship. Don't get me wrong, I have accepted the end of our romantic entanglement. I think that we both handled the ending poorly. I regret that ending our romantic association seems to have ended our friendship as well.

I was reminded yesterday I could do something about trying to rebuild our friendship. There is nothing stopping me from texting or e-mailing him. He never told me not to contact him. I am tired of being rejected and pushed away. If DA wanted to salvage our friendship, he did a piss poor job of showing me. My heart and ego is too bruised to risk another rejection right now.

So I am wearing the damn shoes and shirt that DA helped me pick. I keep receiving compliments on how good I look. It's bittersweet, but at least I believe that I actually look attractive. I suppose that's an overall positive. If nothing else, DA never suggested I pair the shirt and the shoes, so I got down  my own unique fashion self.

I think the most personally challenging thing about the ending of my relationship with DA is that it was hard not to feel that if I were younger, prettier, or something different than who I am, maybe he wouldn't have left. I know that it isn't true, but old habits die hard. I have too many years of thinking that I am just not pretty and that people will abandon me because I did something wrong.

So that's the song, today. I am just me and that's all I ever have to be. Nothing I did could have rescued the relationship or prevented it from crashing and burning; that's just the way of things.