"Steal the warm wind tired friend..."

Fifteen years ago, I discovered that there isn't always a tomorrow. While we were not close, B was someone that I always thought would be there. He was a constant and one of the threads that kept me connected to my hometown. His death made me realize that I could not rely on people to maintain connections for me, I had to do it for myself.

I have renewed a lot of friendships since B's death. Some people it's mostly through social media; others I make the effort to see them at least once of month, even though it means driving. It has meant going to memorial services or helping people when they are in trouble. It is remembering that someone is starting a new job and wishing them well. Recently, connections have been listening to people tell me things that I don't wish to hear and appreciating that they care enough to tell me, anyway.

I have been thinking a lot about friendship and connections recently, but this anniversary has brought up some mixed feelings. There are friendships I valued, but for varied reasons I am no longer in touch with the people. Yes, there is DA and that's the obvious one. There is also my best friend growing up who seemed to be more interested in exploiting my friends than being a friend to me. I know that she is going through a rough time and is feeling lost. My mother thinks I should reach out. There are also the people I let go of because of distance or because I am not good at reaching out.

A good friend of mine and I faced this openly when she emigrated to another country. I still consider her my friend, but our contact is very limited. There isn't really a good reason, except that we both admitted that we had trouble keeping up with people who aren't in front of us. Since we both are that way, we let the friendship flounder.

I feel like one of the things I should do on 10/1 of each year is evaluate the relationships in my life. Should I get into better contact? Should I try to make amends? Is it worth reaching out? I wish I had been thinking like this when my friend died when he was a day away from celebrating his 31st birthday.

I also am starting to understand how much of my willingness (although that word is not my first semantic choice, it seems the best one) to let friendships disintegrate is based on my social anxiety. I am happy to say that my anxiety has been under much better control in the past couple of months. I have been willing to do things that intimidate me and do them alone. I have been  able to own my mistakes and admit when I am wrong. I have been better about seeing friends. More importantly I have learned to politely decline invitations with the understanding that the person issuing the invite will understand that it isn't personal. I am getting better about saying, "I want..." and accepting no as an answer.

That said, my social anxiety is still plaguing my feelings. I have not contacted DA. I still miss him. It hit me really hard yesterday, I am not sure why. However, I didn't do anything about it. Any time I want to contact him, I remind myself that DA knows how to get in touch with me. If he wants to rebuild our friendship, it falls to him to make the effort. If he doesn't, then there is nothing I can do but respect his decision and accept it. That is a friendship that I am willing to let go.

There is  another friend that I let go because they hurt me at a time when I was already very vulnerable. I don't believe that they meant to hurt me. In fact, I think that their intention was the exact opposite. However, I still haven't done anything about it. I am just too scared of being rejected.

I might be getting better, but I didn't reach out to B before he died for the same reasons I don't always reach out now. I am afraid of being too clingy, too needy, or just not wanted. I am afraid that I won't be well received and so I stay silent.

Today's song was served up by You Tube and this version made me happy.