When I explained things to KzF, he was frustrated. However, he was frustrated because he misunderstood what I meant. He had wanted to have fellatio be a part of an upcoming scene and didn't realize that he was suggesting something so triggering. I mistook his frustration with his own lack of understanding for anger with me. He was a sweetheart yesterday and not only made sure to clear things up with me. He checked in with me a couple of hours later and made sure that I was still doing all right. He was worried about me. A person who considers my feelings and isn't a selfish ass, that's a nice change.
In fact, the whole situation ended up spurring a needed conversation. I found out he was feeling jealous of Keto. KzF is as non-monogamous as they come. I jokingly refer to his stable when discussing his roster of partners. I couldn't understand why he would be upset that I was seeing someone else.
He explained last night that he didn't only want to be a now and again play partner. He would like to build some sort of relationship (whatever works for us). He didn't pursue things a couple of months ago; the foolish man wanted to give me times to emotionally recover from my recent break from DA. (Actually, I think it was very thoughtful of him and not foolish at all. I just didn't understand his reticence at the time.)
I don't know what I am up for emotionally, but it is nice to be desired. I told this to KzF. He appreciated that I was honest about my feelings and my limits.
I know that I am allowed to have boundaries and enforce them. I agree with what everyone commented. However, that doesn't change the feeling that there is something wrong with me. I have grown up with the narrative that women are supposed to get a sense of empowerment from giving blow jobs. That oral sex is transactional and that in order to get it, I have to give it.
Adult movies show women going at fellatio with gusto and pleasure. While my brain knows that it's no more real than their bodies or the scenarios they play in, I am a product of my upbringing. The same narrative that convinced me that my body isn't good enough, that I am not pretty enough and that I will never be good enough to attract men also taught me that if I want to keep a guy, I better be accommodating of his desires.
I know that my relationship with DA did not end because of sexual favors I did or did not give. While my brain has imagined all sorts of scenarios where DA's new partner is the most amazing sex he has ever had, I don't actually believe it. My assumption has always been that our relationship ended because of emotions. I remember how I felt when I met H2. My emotional connection to every other person I was dating ended abruptly. I just lost interest, seemingly overnight. I don't know if that was the case with DA, but my own experience gave me a story that worked to explain the end of my relationship with him. When I met H2, I had met the man I was going to marry. Why would I continue to date anyone else? In retrospect, that should have been a huge red flag, but H2 seemed perfect when I met him and I couldn't have been happier.
I believe that I have said my biggest problem with DA is that instead of communicating his emotions honestly, he was a schmuck who ended up hurting Primary and me because he was too fucking scared. (I do not know if this is actually true or if this is what ended his relationship with Primary or if they are still not spending time together.) My version of the story allows me to believe that I can't change that I am 47, inappropriate for marriage and unable to start another family.
I anticipated this day would come. DA and I discussed the likely possibility. He told me, repeatedly, that I was an important part of his life; that he would never let me go. I guess I wasn't valued after all. But I don't feel it's because we didn't enjoy intimacy.
However, that doesn't mean that I don't feel like a failure. I do. I thought that I mattered to someone and now I feel like I never did, that it was all just in my head. Anything that contributes to that feeling still can hit me hard. Yesterday was a bad one and yesterday's discussion about sex and limitations triggered some deeply held inadequacies that I didn't see coming.
Emotional processing is a bitch. Thank you for the outpouring of love and support.
Today's song is a pretty obvious choice, in my opinion.
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