We were all in the same guild for Renaissance Fair, so if you want to talk about close quarters, I can't think of worse ones. That year I was playing a leadership role in our guild. One of my jobs was policing the guild yard and making sure it stayed clean and "period" (no anachronisms showing during faire hours). I didn't actively work against my ex or my roommate. However, I got a lesson in what charisma and sway meant. I was making them targets just by radiating my anger and frustration with them.
The way I remember it is that while my ex was mostly left alone, my roommate became the group's pariah. There was one day when a number of the guild-members came to tell me that my ex and my roommate were kissing in the guild yard (which was against guild policies).
I was already dealing with the fallout of being the "crazy" ex and the well-meaning guildmembers sounded so catty and delighted to tell me that my ex and my roommate were canoodling, it set me off. I stormed over to the guild yard in full maelstrom mode. The sun darkened in my path. People followed me to watch what would likely be an epic fight. Birds fled and dogs howled.
I got to the guild yard and called my roommate's name. I then opened up my arms and gave her a big hug and told her how much I missed her. (While I am calling her roommate for the sake of the story, she had since moved out.) Because it was during fair hours, I acted as though she had just returned from a long trip. I slung an arm around her shoulders and gently guided her away from the disappointed spectators. I then quietly reminded her that kissing her boyfriend should be done back stage and wished her a pleasant day.
I don't remember if I apologized to her for making her life miserable at that point or not. I do know that she said something like: (and this was 20 years ago, so I am sure that this is more in my head) Rachel is a wonderful friend, but God help you if you get on her bad side, you will find yourself friendless and alone before you knew she was angry.
It was many years before that roommate and I had another interaction. We mostly avoided each other. We saw each other at a mutual friend's wedding. (The ex was there too.) I ended up dragging her through an Irish dance (she is an incredible dancer and was one of my favorite partners). It was wonderful and while I wouldn't say we are tight and close friends, we are connected on social media and I have learned a lot about how and why things happened the way they did. I am very glad to understand.
I know that I can be a vindictive bitch. I give people my absolute loyalty. I am not particularly kind when I feel betrayed. I also know that I can be influential and have made life miserable for people I am upset with. I often feel it is deserved. I am not sure I would call it a character flaw, but I know my feelings about loyalty and betrayal aren't one of my more endearing traits. I also know that the flip side is what makes me a valued member of social groups, because I can create community networks that feel secure.
I feel that DA betrayed me and my trust. I think he made a number of poor choices. I am angry. I am being a vindictive bitch. I believe that some of my behavior is justified. I also know that I can't see the proverbial forest for the trees.
I am hurt and angry. I feel that I am being immature. I know that this is a process I also have to go through. I have avoided deeply emotional attachments for most of my life (thank you broken and emotionally unavailable parents). I connected with DA in a way that I rarely do with people, much less with a romantic partner. Dealing with the loss has been incredibly challenging and painful.
DA and I had a conversation last night. It was productive, although it did not resolve all of the conflicts between us. We did come to an agreement about the Christmas fair. DA offered to quit the fair. I believe that it was a sincere offer. We discussed some of the challenges we both faced and after some wrangling, we agreed that we can both occupy the venue. It won't be easy, but it will be possible if we both stick to what was agreed.
So here is my guild yard moment: I have said horrible and awful things about DA. I have tried to be truthful. I have tried to say how I am feeling and not put feelings or words into DA's mouth. However, see above about being a vindictive bitch. I have no wish for him to be ostracized or excluded from social groups. We are both grown ups and we will act appropriately in public. I would never ask my friends to choose between us and if I have made you feel like you should, I am very regretful. That was never my intention.
DA made it very clear that he is not asking me to censor what I write, so my mea culpa is not part of our agreement. He has stated that he disagrees with my choice to air my dirty laundry in a public forum. I believe that he is unhappy that said dirty laundry involves him, but he made it clear that it is his problem, not mine. I told him, in the course of our discussion, why I keep this blog. It is important to me and has been very helpful for allowing me to process my feelings and emotions. I believe that this blog is one of the big reasons that my anxiety and depression have been easier to control and cope with.
While there is a part of me that would like to drag DA to his knees, begging and pleading for my forgiveness and asking that we get back together, I believe that we desperately needed to get apart from one another. I think that the relationship was toxic and that I needed to go through the past few months. I am just as responsible for the break up as DA is and if I haven't made that clear, I want to clarify that now.
I think that DA can be a dumbass and he could have been far more considerate about my feelings during our last meeting. I feel that his actions during our in-person meeting in September made things far worse than they had to be. I also know that DA is a master at saying the worst possible thing, in the worst possible way, at the worst possible time. It's uncanny how completely he can fuck up a conversation. I have observed it a number of times. That doesn't make what happened or what was said less painful, but it's not like I don't know that DA is an expert at sticking his foot in his mouth.
My feelings about DA are my own. I appreciate how supportive everyone is being, but I hope everyone knows that there are two sides to any break up. I do not know how to do break ups that hurt like this, so I am soldiering through the best I can. Even if DA told me that he and the new girl were completely over and done with and that he wanted to resume our romantic relationship, I would say no. As much as I miss him, ending the relationship has lifted a huge amount of stress from my shoulders.
My hope is that if DA and I can manage to share the Christmas fair venue and clear up some of the toxic crap that we have built up, we could work on building a healthy relationship when we are both in a position to do so. I'll be happy in the short term if we can get through the fair and both gain something positive.
I am not promising to stop spouting negative stuff about DA. I am worried that it's going to be rough seeing him and that will likely come out here. However, having spoken with him and some other people, I think that it's better if we don't take any extreme actions like either of us quitting. I still feel that part of the problem between us is that we weren't talking. I am hoping that last night's conversation results in more positive interactions and better communication.
Tomorrow I will return you to my usual whinging and kvetching.
Today's song, "Nothing Else Matters" has long been a favorite. It's a waltz I have always enjoyed dancing to. I remember dancing it with the ex, with my roommate and I probably have danced it with DA. So while the lyrics might not be totally appropriate, this version came up on Youtube, so I decided it would be today's song. I miss waltzing.
No comments:
Post a Comment