I am impulsive. I tend to jump into relationships. As I was telling a gal pal last night, I am far more willing to get into physical relationships with people. It's much simpler than messy emotional ones. I thought that is what I was getting into with Keto, a physical play relationship. I seem to be mistaken.
I know I am being very hypocritical that I am respecting Keto's privacy when I haven't done the same for a number of other people. Life is seldom fair and in this regard I can't be either. I have decided that I will try to be more circumspect about sharing things about DA. However, my blog, my rules and I make no promises to be fair.
Anyway, there are a number of reasons that things with Keto are different. In the past few months, I realized that most people didn't learn about being lonely the way I did. I didn't grow up with siblings or close friends. I lived in my own world of imagination. I loathe being alone, so I learned at a very young age how to make sure that I didn't have to be alone unless I want to be.
This is why I am desperately afraid of not being liked. I think this might be why I don't like to share myself emotionally with other people. Provided I am happy and fun Rachel, I will always have people to keep me company. No one wants someone with actual emotions and feelings, so I don't show them.
Obviously that does not always work and people manage to make connections with me, despite my feints and dodges.. My husband and I have an emotional connection. It took years to build and it was not easy, but we have one. There is a reason I married him. My housemate and I share an emotional connection. I have a few friends I would say the same about. However, if I am really honest, I am not sure I can say that I have one with my own children. I love them dearly and they are very important to me. However, the idea of sharing my emotions with them scares me, especially given how they grew up.
Keto lives up on his mountain with his projects and his work. He has chosen to live alone for the past number of years. I thought that is how he wanted his life to be. Why would anyone live that way otherwise?
The warmth and joy he put into the words "My Rachel" rang like a bell. This wasn't an ownership thing, it was "My Rachel" as opposed to the other Rachel who was going to be at the munch. I began to realize that he isn't interested in a play partner, although that is something that attracts him. He wants a friend, a connection, a person in his life. He wants me. Everything I tell him just reinforces that idea. It's not all the things we have in common. We don't have much in common at all. I can keep up with him intellectually. But he skies, I have never even tried. He scuba dives, I can only snorkel and I have never gone. He has always lived in the country, I have always lived in cities and suburbs. He has a hard science degree, I have a BA.
He is interested because he's never met anyone like me. (Does anyone have a copy of the Care and Feeding of Wild Rachels I could loan him?)
I tried to use my usual tactics to avoid the emotional part and well, they haven't worked. I don't have a choice in the matter. Keto has lived alone for a long time. If he wanted a physical partner, he would have one. He wants a connection. He wants a connection with me. He wants an actual, authentic, connection.
I realized that last night or at least it was clarified with me last night. We played for the first time in a couple of weeks at the venue we were at. It was a very simple scene. I was bent over the table in a dress and heels. Keto was using his new leather paddle. I am still marveling at the skill of someone who is exacting and knows precisely what they are doing. The timing, the varying intensity and his awareness of my body language was amazing. I felt myself sinking into that wonderful place where my mind and body surrender and I can let go for a little while. After the stress of the past few days, it was wonderful.
After we finished, I snuggled up next to Keto to get my pets and cuddles. I felt floaty and safe and that was even better. That's when it hit me, that's what an emotional connection with my play partner meant. That is what it could be like every single time.
Keto did this all without talking to me. There is touch. There is the play. There has been communication, but as we noted, we haven't actually had a long conversation about limits, scenes or planning. It's not that things have been spontaneous, it's just that we've developed a connection.
I don't quite know what to make of all of this. I don't know what to do with a person who refuses to let me hide behind my words and diversionary tactics. When I met Keto, I didn't think this would be the outcome. I didn't think I would be someone's Rachel. I just thought I would be a temporary playmate.
I don't know how to feel about this, much less how I feel about it. I guess that is the way it's supposed to be, not having the entire relationship mapped out before you start?
I don't even know who today's song applies to. I am really just not sure how to process anything. I am desperately far out of my wheelhouse. Obviously the big hair of the 80s will have my answer.
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