"In a world that keeps on pushin' me around..."

I am going to say this straight out. I don't find giving fellatio enjoyable.

I feel like there is a lot of pressure on women to offer oral sex to their male partners. I know that when I explain why it's not readily on my menu, men seem to be offended. I have been made to feel like I am refusing them something that they can get from others and that it is a lack on my part.

This will probably sound selfish, but due to being HSV+, there are people who don't feel comfortable offering oral sex to me. I have accepted that, but it doesn't motivate me to do something I know won't be reciprocated.

I have had dental issues for over half my life. Fellatio hurts, I couldn't do it for very long without getting a splitting headache. I haven't tried since I got the oral surgery, but my brain has been trained that giving oral sex will result in pain. It is incredibly difficult to get partners to understand why I am reluctant to engage and the amount of trust and effort it takes to engage in an activity that has been thoroughly unpleasant for me in the past.

This issue just came up with KzF. He misinterpreted "I will engage in fellatio with someone when there is sufficient trust." as "Fellatio isn't my favorite thing to do, but it's on the menu."  This is somehow my fault, for not explaining carefully enough when I stated that I don't like fellatio, but I do it for a partner that I deeply trust and care for, because I know that they enjoy it.

I just explained to him that after having my confidence and trust utterly destroyed by someone I thought I wouldn't intentionally hurt me, I don't have any trust to offer him. I am sorry to make KzF deal with something broken by someone else, but I don't know what else to do. Not only is there the fear of physical pain, but now there is emotional pain and broken trust on top of it.

KzF and I are currently discussing the matter. I am waiting for him to cancel our plans. Mostly, I just want to shut down and hide in bed under the covers. I am sitting at my desk and crying over this and I have the feeling that there is a lot that just got uncovered and I am dealing with a raw nerve.

I haven't had this conversation with Keto or Tas and now I am dreading it. GGG is supposed to mean that I will do the typical things and it shouldn't be a big deal. Maybe I should just tell them and accept that they will lose interest.

I am so fucking tired of this. I don't want to be crying over this crap.

The song right now is another one courtesy of the late Tom Petty. I felt like he was singing right to me while I was writing this.