There seems to be some confusion about my cognitive abilities. No, I have not lost them. I am careful about the people I name on this blog because I don't want people to make assumptions. That is the whole point, but people made assumptions. So, to be clear, I am not currently dating or planning to date anyone who attended my high school nor am I interested in some jerk I blocked on LiveJournal because he was an asshole. I am mostly amused, but really people. I understand it's been a long three years, but I didn't take complete leave of my senses.
One thing that is troubling me is that someone has been pinging my blog. The person is not reading any entries. They are just pinging it. Normally the pings would get lost in the traffic of new posts and whatnot, but since I was out of service for over 24 hours and mostly people knew that I would be, there were only a certain number of hits to my blog in a 24 hour period. I was able to confirm some of them with friends who said, "Yep, that was me."
The remainder remain a mystery, although since it was all the same source, I have my suspicions. Regardless, since I can only guess, I suppose I will assume that someone just wanted to see what my next song choice was.
I have been doing a lot of processing and talking with various friends and with my therapist. I was trying to write it out and I realized that this needed to be a dialogue. I don't know why, but it did. So JT is my therapist and a number of friends all combined into one person, relating what I have been told over the past few months. JT is not a real person, although he is based on a dear friend of mine.
EXTERIOR COFFEE SHOP -- SHADED TABLE -- DAY
There are two people at the table, iced lattes in hand, the remains of scones in front of them. RACHEL is in workout clothes, her hair pulled back in a loose pony tail. JT is in cargo shorts and a tech t-shirt for a long defunct product. He is well put together for the silicon valley. The camera focuses in on them in the midst of a conversation. The coffee shop is a chain, but the chairs and tables look out on a marina and there are boats sailing in the water.
JT
So I am glad to hear that things with Keto are progressing, but last time we talked you had been in a relationship with DA. What happened?
RACHEL
(toys with her straw and shrugs her shoulders)
He met someone else and decided that we no longer meant anything. I mean, it's in my blog.
JT
(surprised)
I saw the two of you together. He adores you. Hell, I saw his photographs of you. No one has ever managed to capture that much of your personality.
RACHEL
We both had enough, so we agreed to stop seeing each other. Then four days later, we got into a text argument. DA said "goodbye". I stopped talking to him. He didn't ask to talk to me. Our relationship was always volatile.At least it was quiet for once. I guess DA wants it to stay that way.
JT
(smiling)
Only you would use the word volatile, sweetie. Most people would say fucked up. But ok, so you two weren't the most functional couple. I get that. However, that boy wasn't going to let you walk out of his life. So, did you cut him off?
RACHEL
(proudly)
I didn't contact him for weeks. I didn't contact him until fair looked like it might be an issue. He agreed to meet with me and so we got together on a Saturday morning.
JT
Ok, let me guess, he broke down and you ended up taking care of him and not getting your needs met...again. Rachel, you really have to...
RACHEL
(interrupting)
Secondary broke off the relationship the night before. We had a fucking car wreck of a conversation. He was so self-absorbed he didn't realize that he told me that she was going to be participating in the fair but hadn't told me that they were no longer together.
JT
Yeah, she is as bad as you when it comes to that asshole. I don't know what either of you see in him. So, how long until she relented?
RACHEL
(slowly)
I don't know, however I get the impression that she got to a similar point to me. I think she decided that enough was enough and hasn't gone back to him.
Given that her roommate and one of her best friends can't stand DA, she had more support than I did to cut him out of her life. And I had a lot of support.
JT
About fucking time!
RACHEL
(makes a negative sound)
JT
Look, sweetie, I know that you cared for him. God knows he needed someone to give a damn about him. I mean the poor boy was so lonely when you met him and so fucking desperate for connection. It was sad, really.
And while I don't really get what he saw in Miss Blonde Hippie, at least he wasn't putting all of his needs on you anymore. I know you don't like her, but you see that she was shouldering the burden, yeah?
RACHEL
(nods)
I do now, yes.
JT
So now this new girl, she has him all to herself?
RACHEL
Yeah
JT
(chuckling)
I'd feel sorry for her, but she's only digging her own hole. DA is too thick headed to see what she's doing. Of course, he'll blame her for it, just like he's blaming you, hun.
RACHEL
(confused)
I don't get where you are going...
JT
Rachel, for someone who is so damn intuitive, you can be really dense, you know that.
(puts up his hands)
Hey, hey, if you can't hear this from me, who can you hear it from?
Look, for three years that man didn't choose a pair of shoes or plan a meal without asking you first. From what you are describing, you knew what was happening with this new girl before he went on a second date with her. You didn't suddenly get stupid. You just don't have perspective.
RACHEL
(still confused, slurps at the dregs of her drink)
Ok. What am I missing?
JT
You were a threat, you were eliminated. It's as simple as that. He was always the spineless wonder sub. Now he found an abusive top who will yank his cock and make him talk.
RACHEL
(nearly spit takes)
Wha....?
JT
Look, I don't know, hun. I only met him a couple of times. But if any boy wanted a mommy as much as your ex-husband, it was him. You are a wonderful caretaker, one of the sweetest. You might run at the mouth, but you also care, you help and most importantly, you don't expect to be paid back. And that is your problem. Why should anyone value what you give away for free?
RACHEL
(sighs)
But....
JT
No, you have me wrong. They should value it. They should value you. That asshole got your best and it wasn't good enough for him and that's because he thinks that this new girl is going to do it better.
And hey, who knows, she might. But I'd bet, like I'd bet you drinks for a year, that the reason he won't talk to you on the phone or in person is because she made it clear that he shouldn't. She probably wasn't blunt about it. She probably yanked his dick and put the words into his mouth that you have been getting from him.
You are a force of nature, m'dear. She'd be stupid to let you near her boy while she is away. And from what you tell me, she's not stupid and she likes to win.
You're right, Rachel, he picked her over you. And that's the thing, that should have never been a question. What is it you always say? "Embrace the power of AND"?
RACHEL
(smiling a little)
I appropriated the phrase.
JT
(grins)
Of course you did, see that's you. You always try to give credit where credit is due. That's the thing you don't get. People, at least few people, think like you do. It's makes you fucking awesome.
You have been my friend, my lover, my buddy, and the biggest thorn in my paw for how long? And you know what test I used for every person I have dated?
RACHEL
(shakes her head)
No, what?
JT
(smacks his cup of ice and coffee dregs on the table)
Why, you of course!
If someone didn't understand that you were an important person in my life, then I knew that they weren't right for me. I learned that from [XXXX] and I never forgot that lesson. She didn't like you. Dating her was a mistake and it's because she didn't respect your place in my life.
RACHEL
But that's different...
JT
No, it isn't. You expect the same of the people you date.
RACHEL
No, I mean, we were already, I mean...but sex.
JT
Rachel, I love you. I really do, but I won't sleep with you again, at least not in any world that I want to imagine. I chose a monogamous partner and that's something the two of us agreed to. I was willing to give up our physically intimate relationship for her. However, that didn't mean I could give up an affection friendship with you. In all these years, even when you were monogamous, you never abandoned our friendship.
You and I were together for less time than you and that anal boil, DA. I don't care what you said or what he said. I know you. I can't imagine that you said or did anything to deserve to be treated like a stranger or worse like you weren't one of the most important people in his life.
I am not saying you weren't a bitch. I have been on the receiving end of your temper, more that once. That's the price of your caring nature and your husband, your housemate, your friends, and anyone else with a gram of sense is willing to put up with your storms. They are mighty, but they are usually short lived.
RACHEL
DA and I fought all the time.
JT
I bet you did. I bet that you were fighting because you cared about him and you were trying to help him. You might have been wrong, but I can't imagine you wished him ill.
Look, emotionally, how are you doing?
RACHEL
(with more confidence)
I am pretty damn good. I have time, energy, and I am finally taking care of myself.
JT
So, this chick has done you a favor. You are better off without him in your life. He has been an absolute asshole to you and how did you respond?
RACHEL
Like a doormat
JT
No. You responded like the caring and loving soul that you are. You didn't abandon your friendship with him. Actually, you have been covering for him and enabling him.
Say it with me, Co-De-Pen-Dency
RACHEL
But....
JT
No buts. There was no fucking reason for him to do the fair. He guilted you into letting him go. I am not saying you should have done anything to stop him. I am just saying that you didn't need to make it so easy for him.
RACHEL
Well, I just wanted to be fair. I don't want to be like his ex.
JT
Oh, his ex is a fucking crazy pants. Suggesting that two of you are alike is manipulative and wrong. Crazy pants doesn't care about anyone but his own ego and his cock. You care, Rachel. Don't ever let anyone tell you that it's not the most special thing about you.
RACHEL
(tears slipping down her cheeks)
JT....
JT
(reaches over and grabs her hand)
Look, I know this hurts. What he did was really unfair. Sure, maybe the romantic part of the relationship was over, but why anyone would willfully throw away your friendship is beyond me. DA will probably learn how stupid he is. And if it makes you feel any better, he'll probably regret it for the rest of his life.
RACHEL
You don't think we'll ever be friends?
JT
(shakes his head)
I can't answer that, I'm not as good at predictions as you are. But I have known you for a long time. People rarely understand how quickly you move forward. I remember your ex was stunned that you had a new house, a new job, a new boyfriend, and were happy when he tried to ask you to reconcile six months later. Think about it Rachel, in six months, you had a whole new life that he couldn't even fathom and you were together for seven years.
I wouldn't be surprised if you have already started that process. By the time DA sees you at workshops, you won't be recognizable.
Trust me, this is his loss. You have everything to gain and you will be so much better off without him. Even if he marries this new chick, she will never be what you were and what you could have been. Trust me, I know.
RACHEL
I don't know what to say.
JT
Well, you can accept what I said and not argue with me.
RACHEL
(nods)
Ok
JT
(smiles)
And Rachel...quit covering for him. I read you blog. Stop it. I mean if you don't want to write about him, don't. That's your business. If you want to write about him, for fuck's sake, write about him. You are a writer, you process by writing. So, write!
RACHEL
Covering for him?
JT
Rachel, he dumped you. He was a fucking ass about it. He is using you and your caring nature so that he doesn't have to pay for the consequences. You have been taking blame and trying to make excuses. You. Don't. Owe. Him. Anything!
Who ever ended the relationship doesn't matter. Blame doesn't matter. You don't have to do a goddamned thing for him. You don't have to make sure he can go to fair without dealing with repercussions. If you want to talk to your best friend about how you are hurting, fuck that she is his roommate, tell her. If she doesn't want to hear it, she'll tell you. I know you, Rachel. You won't lie. You won't call him your "abusive ex" or not take ownership for the things you did wrong.
But no one who gave a person what you have given him deserves what he has done to you. You have been nothing but there for him. You have fed him, supported him, loved him, cared for him. That extended to his secondary, that extended to his parents, that extended to his college gf, that even extended to his crazy pants ex.
Anyone who takes his side is an idiot. Frankly, I think that the only person he is going to have is that new chick and given how much work he is, I have the feeling that she is going to regret that she is taking it all on her own. Sure, right now she has "won". She has him right where she wants him and he is her little monkey, dancing to her organ.
Monkeys throw shit and they are horrible pets. She will end up covered in shit with a screeching monkey and she won't have anyone to help her, She will have no one to blame but herself. As much as the two of you disliked each other, DA's secondary and you were able to trade off shit duty and did so more than once.
(whews)
Okay, off my soapbox. I have been wanting to tell you that since July.
RACHEL
(looking stunned)
You are right.
JT
(grins)
Of course I am.
So, write that in your blog. Write the whole damn thing, quote me. Rachel, you are an amazing and special friend. DA should be telling his girl that you are a valued person in his life, not avoiding you or dicking you around. If he's too chicken shit to do that, then he will have no one to blame but himself.
So, blame him, Rachel. He is wrong, you are right. Now, go show Keto that wonderful smile of yours and invest yourself in someone who will appreciate you.
RACHEL AND JT CLEAN UP THEIR TABLE, THROW AWAY THEIR GARBAGE AND WALK AWAY.
So, I have two songs today, because I am embracing the power of AND. I think that why I chose them should be pretty obvious.
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